Saturday, December 31, 2016

Yummy Mummy 2017: The Story of How I Became A Mother This Year

As you all may have read from my previous post… I'm going to be a mom.
I'm going to be a mother. I have to say it a few times because to be honest it's not really sinking in. It hasn't even though I've known since October. I've just been floating through the weeks kind of feeling like I'm in this daze. So, before I get into the now, let me tell you how this all got started.

Back in September, around the last week or so, I started talking to an old "friend" who I'd met from community college. He had always been handsome to me but at the time of our initial meeting, I was only 17 years old and I was a virgin. His name is Eric and he was a solider. I'm not sure what he was studying at the school or even what his last name was but I was flirting with his friend Brian at the time and Brian introduced us. Eric was sly, giving me his number when Brian wasn't looking but back then I thought being a sly piece of shit was code for being a hot ass bad boy. Time went on and I stopped attending university and stopped speaking to Brian but Eric and I stayed in touch. We would try and hang out and sometimes sent each other racy pics but it was never anything too serious. One night my sister and her then-boyfriend Daniel invited me to Cowboys Dancehall for a halloween night and the two suggested I bring someone. I invited Eric. We had fun, Eric danced well and showed me how to Texas Two Step. I felt embarrassed and I hadn't had the chance to file down my fake nails so they were long and witchy and I felt self-conscious that I was stabbing Eric's hand the whole night but he was totally polite. He offered to be me a drink because I was now only 18 and he was 24 or something. I declined and later into the night after a few steamy french kisses, he asked to sneak into my room that night. I agreed to let him sneak but after a few hours of being home and a handful of bowls of pot, I wasn't really in my same mood. Eric snuck in and I was totally in my own feelings. I quickly made excuses not to let him stay and I rushed him out almost as soon as he came in. 
Eric was upset, called me a tease and left but the next morning he said everything was fine and he wasn't mad and that if I wasn't ready to have sex or whatever that was okay. So, Eric and I remained civil but evidentially my unwillingness to have sex and his veracious libido clashed and we ended up distancing ourselves entirely. Fast forward 3 years later to 2016 and Eric and I crossed paths again. I had him on the Social Media app called SnapChat and we started chatting a little there but nothing routine. I noticed early on, around the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016, that Eric had a new lady in his life. I was happy for him, didn't really comment on it because he and I were nothing more than acquaintances that passed by every blue moon. Eventually, however, the girl on Eric's SnapChat abruptly disappeared and for a handful of months I didn't see her anymore. I assumed the two had broken up but again, I didn't even know who she was or what Eric was doing in life anymore so I didn't care badly enough to investigate. Now, insert body-conscious me. Months went by and I was posting Snap after Snap of my body, the progress I was getting from exhausting that Gold's Gym membership to no end and the ever-glossy fullness of my lips. I was posting pictures in my bikini after a steamy sauna-session, from the back in a pair of tight-fitting high-waist jeans and in cheeky mini skirts. I was eating the attention with a spoon and every day was like a dream with continuous responses from girls and guys telling me I looked like a goddess. It was all I could do not to obsess over my phone, and it came to the point that I was looking at my phone more than anything else. It was religious and unhealthy and completely childish, but try telling that to my swollen head. After a couple months of these sex-kitten posts Eric, amongst many of my male SnapChat friends popped his little beaver head up into my rearview. It all led up to him Snapping me one night saying "When will you let me in." I had lost my virginity by this point (2015 to be exact) and so rather than feeling an excited ache of worry in my stomach from something like this I felt a hot wave of desire. I knew I was hot shit (Or at least I convinced myself of that) and the validation from "so many guys" *cough cough like 15* was too much for me to handle. Eric's sexy message made me feel so wanted that I decided to go along with his words. We went back and forth for about a day or so and I eventually agreed to come to his place. The night before I arrived Eric disclosed that he and that girl I used to see on his SnapChat were thinking of getting together, but that he had broken up with her because "Even though I love her and she's great we just have absolutely no connection. Mentally or sexually and I don't think we ever did". He went on to explain "I was right about to dump her but we decided to just take a break instead and now she's in Houston with her mom and her baby". Through this message I got that Eric fooled around with some Thotty that he couldn't shake now because clearly the female was needy. He liked sex so he kept her around but now that the sex is mediocre he was ready to dump her. She's clearly a low 4 on the 1-10 scale because she has a kid (which LMAO that's what I get for judging but…) and now he's rid himself of her at least for the time being. Whatever ways I was justifying the situation I mainly decided I was going to sleep with him because I was 1) Horny asf 2) Extremely sexy and wanted to show how good of a lay I was 3) Had already had sexy 6 different times and each time lasted 4 1/2 minutes tops and was utterly disappointing and 4) I just really didn't care about anything but myself and pleasure. I didn't think about this girl he claimed he was working things out with, I didn't think about my parents who raised me to have morals and respect God and myself and wait for a Godly man who will cherish me and marry me. I didn't think about all the people's lives who could possibly be affected by a decision I would soon make like my little brother and sister and my friends. There were so many things I didn't or chose not to think about but mainly, I really really really did not believe I would get pregnant. I had had unprotected sex every time I've ever done it and even though 6 times isn't a lot, it's enough times that I could've been pregnant. I have never had a problem before so I just explained to myself that if something happened I would simply take Plan B like I had done before or, if it ever really came to it I would just get an abortion. So, after a few more chats I show up all sexy-fied at Eric's shabby ass apartment looking to get laid. The setting couldn't have been sexier; there was a flash flood just outside so when you stood on the balcony of his spot there was rain flooding the little ravine of grass down below. There was crashing thunder and a constant soothing pour of heavy rain. It was dark and the winds were calm so it was a warm little breeze, and the awning over his balcony kept us from getting wet. Eric, who's a bartender, mixed us up some strange blue coconut concoction in a tumbler and poured us big glasses full of the elixir. I, did my best to down it but I don't drink so I was taking girlish sips. The liquid tasted bad but I wanted to finish it, sort of like that whole night, so I kept on until everything around me was a warm, slow haze. Eric brought out a bluetooth speaker and I connected my phone and played a playlist I had created specially for steamy nights called Netflix & Chill. The devil in me really ran wild that night and I felt like everything was so perfect even though it was really just wrong and horrible. The music belted softly from the speakers and I looked out over the wrought-iron railing into the tiny opening of Eric's neighbor's dwellings. The people right below us had plants and trinkets everywhere, hundreds of them and I knew they were all special to the renter. I could just tell. The cool breeze the rain created kissed across my face and all I could feel was my marijuana-high reaching it's peak as the buzz of Eric's Elixir flowed through my bloodstream. I watched as the rain mercilessly beat on the trees and rooftops of the complex, feeling total bliss when suddenly Eric's tall, large frame hovered in behind me. He smelled like alcohol and cologne--or maybe it was his aftershave or his hair gel. I wasn't sure I just knew I was intoxicated by it. I smelled like the candy-floral perfume I had doused on myself before I'd gone in and our scents smelled so good together. The smell of rain quickly faded and the coconut residue in Eric's mouth was suddenly the most vivid thing around me. He put his hands on me and lifted me onto the railing I was just leaning on. We kissed and kissed more and suddenly nostalgic memories of the dorky, awkward night when I frenched him at 17 years old outside of Cowboy's Dancehall flooded in. I wrapped my arms around him and the rest of the night was extremely passionate. I don't want to get too into detail, considering my family could see this eventually but let's just say we sinned repeatedly until we fell asleep and woke up around 9a the next morning. I must say as wonderful as an experience as that was it wasn't magical like I'd be hunting for. It wasn't tears-worthy like my friends claim they've experienced. It didn't make me quiver or shake or feel a sense of love for Eric. It just felt better than what I'd had so I built it up to be this grandeur experience and it really wasn't. All in all, I would say, with all bitterness for the current situation aside, it really wasn't great. It was alright but I didn't experience some head-to-toe pleasure that made me crave it, it was just good I guess. If I had to be 100% truthful though, the experience--as steamy-novel-worthy as it was--it was ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT POSITIVELY NOT worth getting pregnant over. If I could rewind time and never ever experience it again I absolutely would, no hesitation. 
So anyway, since there are no time machines or Tardis' available at this present time, let's move on to what happens next. So the next day Eric slept like a hibachi and wouldn't budge so his plan to get me the morning after pill "in the morning" ultimately failed, because I had to get back home (because I'd snuck out) and he was basically dead. He was too much of a loser to come by later that day and evidentially so was I because I didn't have a job during this time so I had no money and thus no way to buy the pill myself. As awful as it sounds, by this point I really didn't feel concerned because I just thought, meh whenever I get the pill I'll take it and I'll be fine! HAAH WHAT A DUMB MISTAKE. Anyway, Eric came by that night pretending he had the pill. We slept together again and then he admitted he was unable to obtain it because the pharmacy was closed. Finally the next day, 2 and half days after our first night of unprotected sex and 1 day after the other night of it, Eric provides me with the pill but convinces me I shouldn't take it before we do it one last time. I really didn't want to do it, I came unshowered wearing sweats and a hoodie because I was really hoping to repel his unhinged desire for sex but it didn't work. I won't sound like a rape victim here, I could've said no, but I just figured it'd be easier to do it one last time and take my pill than to argue and possibly have him withhold it from me or be upset or whatever. So, finally I take this pill and it's like I don't really know what exactly I was expecting from this thing. The package says like 90 times that it basically only works after a day and it also says it's NOT an ABORTION PILL and it WILL NOT KILL A CURRENT PREGNANCY. But foolish, arrogant, pride-filled me continued to proclaim that there was NOOO Posssible way I could be pregnant! I mean we only had unprotected sex like 18 times! How could I be?? Lmao, God I was an ignorant tramp. Anyway, the last night we did it I woke up the next morning, went to a job interview (which was at my current place of employment lol) and afterwards went and bought another Plan B. The pills were obviously passing through my urine because they didn't do SHIT. Probably because unbeknownst to me, I was already preggers! So, Eric ends up telling me that he wants to get back with his ex and that "her baby" is actually THEIR BABY the night before our last night of irresponsibility. Honestly, hearing all that should've stopped me but I wasn't thinking rationally. I wasn't think "Oh what kind of guy tries to get back with his ex and lies about having a baby with her? I should NOT sleep with him!" I was only thinking of my body and my desires. I was thinking "Oh well glad I'm not the loser girlfriend who thinks this guy is some outstanding citizen" and "Don't care about the rest, I'm not trying to shack up with the loser I'm just on a quest for great sex". Yup. Those were the childish shallow thoughts floating in my feather head and they landed me in this very predicament. Anyway, Eric and I stopped talking after our last time because the tiny slither of godliness in me began to shine through--you know, 18 times after I'd already done the wrong thing--and I began to feel sick about the whole idea of him having a newborn daughter who thinks her daddy loves mommy when in reality daddy is banging his old college friend while me and mommy are visiting grandma. I realized that even though he allegedly wasn't with her I was still sort of home-wrecking and I should just sever the relationship now. Let it be another hit&quit. But as the days passed on my assured spirit dwindled and I grew increasingly nervous. I text Eric here and there but he seemed to grow irritated with me, replying with short 2 word sentences and ignoring my messages for hours. I chalked it up to him not wanting his girlfriend to know what he'd been up to while she was away and I was right. After about a week of my period not arriving I started to feel horribly scared. I was panicky but Eric assured me that the pill screws with your cycle and that it was normal for my period to be late. I believed him, rather than just knowing the truth because I didn't want to accept the truth. After a couple more days the symptoms of my period came, big boobs, bloating and I got a small sense of relief. I felt mild cramping in my lower parts which was what always happened the days leading up to my period so I was ecstatic. I wasn't even thinking of the possibility of pregnancy anymore I was just biding my time before my little friend came to visit. By this time I had nearly been working at my new job for a month and I was making money, treating my family to nice things again and feeling great. It was all going my way, my dirty secrets were swept under the rug and I was free to attend church and praise God and pretend I hadn't ever done such horrible things on those nights. Suddenly, like a slap to the face, I woke up for work one morning and I felt kind of sick. I felt a little weak and fatigue sort of like the first day before the flu hits you hard and so I assumed, because the season was around that time I must have contracted it. I noticed that no other signs were apparent though, no sneezing or throat issues or anything, just literally felt exhausted. Then as the day went on I realized I felt nauseous. It was subtle sort of like when you haven't eaten all day and you just feel a heavy pit in your stomach. I tried to eat but certain things made me feel more nauseous so I just drank water and ate crackers. I'm not sure why I didn't once assume these were early pregnancy signs but it had just come on so quickly that I didn't think that's what it was. I had been out with friends the night before so I kinda thought I just got sick from not washing my hands or something. I missed work for two days with these symptoms and on the third day I realized my boss was getting annoyed. He wasn't mad but he had just hired me to help the team and now I was out for 2 days with a sickness I wasn't really sure how to label. So, that morning I came in feeling ass-like still but I soldiered on. I skipped my usual cup of coffee because suddenly the thought of tasting vanilla coffee made me want to throw up. AJ came into the room with Luigi and I and started asking about what I thought might be wrong. I told her some of my symptoms and that's when Luigi piped in and said "Maybe you're pregnant, I mean you're acting pretty moody". AJ laughed it off and was like Oh Lord! but deep down a fear washed over me. I hadn't given the thought any attention because I was afraid of it but now know it'd been nearly two weeks with no period, I had to accept that this could be true. AJ looked at me pointedly with her mouth a small line. Her brows furrowed and she asked in a gasp "You're not pregnant are you?" I covered my face with my hands and laughed nervously but deep down I was crying and feeling so afraid and so disappointed. AJ convinced me to buy a test during lunch break and see what the results were. I was so afraid to buy I test that I hesitated at first, but I eventually caved and during my lunch break I drove to the grocery store and bought a pack of ClearBlue tests. The kind man at the register politely whispered "I hope you get the answer you want. Whatever it is." I hope so too I breathed timidly and I solemnly walked out to my car holding the test tightly in a garbled up plastic bag. When I got back to work I threw my crap at my desk and hurried to the restroom. I locked the door and sat on the toilet with my panties around my knees. I stared blankly at the test instructions reading how if two lines appear you're pregnant. It said no matter what, whether both lines are dark or one is dark and one is faded, if there are visibly two lines you're pregnant. I prayed a stupid evil prayer that God somehow murder the seed that was more than likely already blossoming inside me so that I could go back to being an irresponsible slut just this time, but the prayer shot up and straight down when I peed on the stick and almost immediately the two lines appeared. I wanted to cry and I started to but no tears would manifest. I was squeezing my eyes but it was almost like I heard God say "Why are you crying? You did this. Your parents read the sex books to you when you were like three. You know exactly where babies come from and how they are made. Did you think letting him release his seed into you would somehow Not make a child??" I felt angry and scared but I couldn't feel any sadness. For what? I did this and now for once in my life I'm going to have to be responsible. It's not another speeding ticket my parents can foot the bill for. It's not a school issue my parents can come and defend me over. It's me. It's my stupid decision that I will now have to handle for the rest of my life. All in all the whole thing was better than an STD but it was still really awful at the time. So anyway, immediately I began to panic. The coward in me took full control and I began to devise my plan on the path of abortion. I told myself I'd never get one, I said I just wasn't the kind of girl who could go forward with something like that. Yet here I was, hovering over a toilet at work decided to sweep my consequence under the rug again. I told myself that because it's so early the baby is practically a needle point and it'll be no big deal. I told myself that I'll never tell anyone, Eric will pay for it and life will resume it's normal functions, but deep down I just kept hearing God ask me disappointedly "Really, Erica?'. Of course I brushed it off, shoving that same voice of righteousness that tried to stop me from even having sex in the first place down into a ditch like always. Burying it with the dirt of my evil desires, but something started to happen. I would spend these quiet times alone with me and God and my little unborn angel and I would just cry. It would start with me recording myself on my phone. I would talk to myself about why I needed to have this abortion and why I needed to do this for my future. I would make all these points that would make me feel okay again, but suddenly my real feelings would seep in and break down the wall I tried so hard to build up. I would think abut the baby's tiny seahorse-looking body, swimming around inside me just waiting to grow its head and its fingers and toes. I thought about seeing clots of it in my underwear after taking an abortion pill. I thought about how he or she would become my closest friend and even though they would hate me at some point like all kids do, they would still love me as hard as I love my parents even though I disappointed them so greatly. I thought about how my child would play with my lips and poke my cheeks and tell me stories of what grandma taught them. How grandpa showed them how to paint or bait a fishing pole and how uncle Roger played basketball with them. I thought of how I was deciding to dissolve their life before they even had the chance to prove what a magnificent human being God was forming them to be right now, inside me. I thought about the fact that they'd never have a chance to play games or feel joy, or experience friendship, and how they'd go back to Heaven never living on this wonderful planet God made for them. And instantly, just like right now as I type this, tears poured from my eyes. The tears that were no where to be found when I was upset at my outcome from the pregnancy tests was suddenly here, when I thought about taking the life of my baby. I thought about all the wonderful people I've met over my 21 years of life and how awful it would've been if their parents were too scared, or selfish and stupid to let them live. Even AJ at work had told me that her dad was a loser who didn't want her and her mom had her any way and she grew up to be a wonderful lady (well sorta…we'll get back to that later) but I just had all these signs telling me not to end the pregnancy. These private back-and-forths with myself happened on and off and then one day, about 3 days before my scheduled abortion-pill consumption, my parents were randomly--and by randomly I mean totally orchestrated by God--watching this documentary on this guy Louis Farrakhan. The election was coming up and my parents wanted to vote Trump but they were a little skeptical mainly because of the bullshit hype the media was trying to force everyone to believe about how worthless he was and how Hilldabeast Clinton was somehow righteous. Anyway, Louis is this preacher guy and my parents weren't totally agree with the guy but he was making excellent points about the politicians and I was completely intrigued by this 2-hr documentary. The wise man went on to talk about awful things about our government that they don't want to admit to doing when all of sudden he brings up abortion. If I didn't know God I'd wonder why or how on earth this could be playing at this moment when I'm just shy of getting my own abortion. No other time in history have my parents ever played anything about this man and they haven't ever since, so I knew God was pulling the strings, making this happen at this very moment. I was retightening my moms SisterLocks when Rev. Farrakhan begins discuss how his mother was going to abort him and attempted to twice. He explained that she was afraid and unsure and didn't want him to be born and so she took a hanger and attempt to kill him inside herself. The hormones I had mixed with the millions of thoughts running around my head and suddenly those same tears that always came when I thought of killing my own baby weld up in the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip hard forcing myself to keep from crying so hard my chest heaved because my mom didn't know at this time and I didn't want her to find out. The man went on to say how he begs mothers-to-be that they hang in there and not make a decision that will be so absolutely awful in the long run. He explained how he is an example of a would-be abortion and how he has influenced and helped the lives of so many people, which he never would've done had his mother aborted him. He listed more powerful influences that had nearly been aborted and said that when he speaks to expectant mothers at seminars, he asks them to lay a hand over their baby inside them now and feel peace, and know that God has a plan for their lives and the lives of their unborn children. I felt so impacted by his speech but still somehow I managed to convince myself that 'That was great but, I can't be a mom. I can't tell my parents what I've done. I just can't" and so I went on to ignore Farrakhan's--and God's, to be honest---words and I proceeded with the scheduled abortion. The next day, I spoke with my sister and told her what I'd planned do but I spun it like I had already done it. She told me that it was going to be okay but she explained how she really wished I had talked to her before going through with it. Deep down I just realized all these people, friends, family randoms on TV were all saying Do Not get this abortion but still somehow I just felt like I was NOT going to be able to go through with a pregnancy. I think the real issue was that I really just felt afraid and inconvenienced. I was ashamed that my bad decisions were going to be aired out for everyone to see and I was scared that for the rest of my life I would now have to provide for another person. I wanted to just go back to before I ever slept with Eric but it was too late. I was now facing two extremely hard choices. Do I keep the baby and deal with the disappointment and disgust of friends and family, raise a child with no father and set aside my goals for the sake of my baby? Or do I get an abortion, live with knowing that I could've had a wonderful child but I'll never know now because I killed it, go on living like a stupid whore with no morals and has now added abortion to her list of horrible choices and then have kids one day with a man and accept that I basically said these kids are worthy of receiving life because they were planned but not my first born? So, I contemplated for hours on end and the next day I spilled the truth to my sister. I told her that  everything I'd said about getting an abortion was a lie. I told her I was still thinking about it and how afraid I was to tell our parents. My sister told me first of all to stop lying and second, very bluntly, she said deal with it. Those were literally her words. I was upset but really I knew she was right. She continued on to say "Who cares if you're scared? You weren't scared to sneak out and lay down under homeboy, you weren't scared to not take the pill for 3 days, now you want to be scared? Why?" I started to let this ponder. My sister, Wesley, went on saying "Look, I realize you've done something bad but you don't have to make it worse by taking this kid's life. Things will be fine. How? I don't know, and I don't know how soon either, but in the end God will plan everything out the way it was supposed to go". I wanted to cry at this revelation. I knew all her words were truth. So, that weekend, since my sister had planned to come down and stay with us anyway, I decided would be a great time to tell my parents. I called Planned Parenthood the next day and cancelled my appointment and then I told Eric that I wasn't going to kill his problems for him. He was angry but mostly the childish immaturity brooding deeply inside him began to surface and his fear of being caught started to run rampant. I could tell more than angry he was just scared that now his girlfriend would know what he'd been up to while she and their baby were away. I really couldn't care less about his feelings at this point. My anger for his burning desire to murder my child was infuriating and the insult to injury was doubled when he expressed his total lack of desire to ever meet his son or daughter. "I already have a kid. I don't want to be a father to anyone else" he text me. Well that's too frickin' bad ain't it asshole? I felt so disgusted especially in myself for ever having sex with such a bottom feeder. I felt unclean and evil and thinking of how I let him touch me and kiss me made me sick to my stomach. So, anyway.
Later on I broke the news to my parents. First to my mother who semi-cried and seemed extremely disgusted in me. She whined and begged me to be joking but sadly it was all the truth. My sister piped in over-enthusiastically saying how God gives life and this is happening for a good reason so don't judge her! But I realized this was not a good time for truth serum and that maybe we should just let my mom be hurt and angry for a while. To this day my mom still seems upset by the idea. She was honestly questioning me on why I didn't get the abortion when I first told her and that hurt me really bad. I thought for sure Mother Teresa would be upset but would never suggest I get an abortion but there she was, asking if it was too late to get one. I just brushed off her negativity, but the thought has always lingered in my mind: Am I doing the best thing for myself and everyone else? Should I do it? But as the months roll by, the baby grows and grows and the more the idea of abortion sounds wicked and traumatizing. Not to mention the fact that my sister is right, God really does give life and there's a reason my baby is on it's way. So I ignore my mom every time she sighs or looks at me in disbelief. Yes mom, I did the wrong thing. I had sex and I wasn't married, I wasn't even dating the guy. Yes, he's a loser that wants nothing to do with his child. I'm sorry that I have done such a stupid thing but I can't do anything to change it now. All I can do now is trust that God has a plan to help me and this baby and move forward. I told my Dad a few days after my Mom. My heart was racing and I wanted to wait a little longer but my Mom was basically forcing me into it. She would mouth "TELL HIM" right as he would turn around and he knew something was up. I kind of hated my Mom for doing that to me, but I realized I would have to spill the beans eventually so I quietly started to confess. "Dad…" I breathed. "Listen. I know you taught me to wait until marriage to have sex but I didn't ok. I had sex and… I had sex and I got pregnant." My Dad stared at me blankly, worry slightly in the middle of his eyebrows.
"I know I've done a horrible thing but Wesley says I can move in with her and Daniel if I need a place to stay. I just want you to know I won't be burdening you with this baby. I'm going to provide for it and take care of it and I won't make you pay for a thing." My Dad sighed and shook his head. He held it down for a few beats and for a minute the heavy pull of tears gathered in my throat. I fought the urge to beg for his forgiveness and suddenly my Dad looked up. "Well, I'm a little hurt, actually a lot hurt that everything your mother and I taught you you just completely crapped on but… I'm proud of you for not getting an abortion. You did the right thing." I suddenly felt a glimmer of hope. "You're not going to get kicked out. Your mother and I will be there to help you through this, but you're damn right about providing for your baby. We won't be this child's parents you will be. You will be concerning yourself with this child, so forget parties, and sleepovers and weekends in Austin, you'll be right here everyday with this baby until they're old enough to go to college." I didn't care if my Dad yelled at me or wouldn't let me say anything. His response was so assuring and so comforting that all I could do was hide a smile. I didn't want him to think I was being smug so I just stayed silent but I was so ecstatic that he wasn't trying to disown me. I was surprised he didn't react like my mom. He was calm and I could tell he was hurt and angry but he wasn't mad, he was just lost. My mom was acting disgusted in me even though she knew I wasn't even a virgin. My dad who thought this whole time that I was was acting totally collected and accepting. My Dad showed me that everything would be alright and that's how I've felt ever since. The devil definitely wants to scare me every now and then and coerce me into believing that I'm going to fail, that I won't be able to support this baby and that they will probably hate me since I conceived them out of lust and arrogance rather than out of love and commitment like other parents. But I drown out those thoughts with the Word of God and with the positivity of my friends and family. My mom is coming around and she's been helpful giving me books on pregnancy and telling me I can do all things but I know she still kind of hates me deep down, or at least hates my decisions.
So, now it's been 3 months since everything happened. I am totally at peace with my decision and I even bought an adorable antique crib for the baby. I bought a smaller bed for my room so that I have more room for a rocking chair and a changing table and I'm deciding on new color choices for my room. The baby is the size of an Apple right now and I'm so happy they're doing alright. I've enrolled for school and I'll be a full time student come January 17th. I have a long list of names for both a boy and a girl and I can't really decide on any of them. I haven't had any issues with food or keeping it down. The baby eats whatever I want and doesn't reject it at all. It's not a big fan of sweets though because my beloved KitKats and Twix are so repulsive right now. The baby mainly likes salt and vinegar foods. Anything with garlic and onion or cheese. It doesn't like citrus but it's in love with my mother's garden salads. I feel so blessed to be carrying this baby and I'm so excited to see what they will look like. I don't mind if they look like Eric, he's pretty handsome after all. I hope if it's a girl she gets my lips and Eric's dimple. I hope her hair is raven colored like Eric's but I hope her eyes are huge like mine. If it's a boy I hope he gets my family's athletic build. I hope his hair is either like Eric's or a mixture of both of our hair. I hope he gets Eric's lips because when he smiles his lips fold downward a bit and it's the sweetest thing you'll ever see. I hope he's smarter than both of us. God I pray for that. Neither Eric nor I deserve a Gold Star and I hope this baby is smarter than the two of us combined.
I have 6 months until I give birth and I'm completely nervous, anxious and excited all wrapped in one. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone but I'm not entirely concerned about it. I know this baby will be my biggest accomplishment in life and I'm just excited to do my best at giving it a happy life with God as my guide. Anyway guys, I'm going to go return some shoes and get my nails done. I hope you all enjoyed this 6-hour story of how I fell pregnant at 21 and my journey through it all. I think I finally have something to talk about on youtube. Lol. Until the next time…

Please, Pink Responsibly. 

Friday, December 30, 2016



I’m gonna continue to fake type for a few more minutes and make my boss think I’m actually working lmao. I’m so bored dude and I keep trying to remind myself that I’ve only got like 3 hours left but I wanna cry tbh I’m like someone kill me x’C It’s so dead right now and I wish the bosses wife had gone to costa rica with him because she’s just sitting in her office behind me doing practically nothing. I’m like omg GO HOME there’s literally no one here, no one is coming in today like I don’t understand why you need to be here. Just let me answer the phones and draw and eat my apple until 5:30p rolls around and I can lock this place up and go home! The other bummer is I have to wait ‘til 6:30p. Yea in theory I’d be locking this place up at 5:30 but, in reality, I need to pick my mom up from UTSA at 7:15 so I have to kill time somewhere and I guess why not do it here yknow? There’s food and a couch so if Anya would gtfh I can kick my feet up and watch some Netflix on my laptop until 6:30 rolls around and then I’ll head out to get my mom. Every time I get there she’s literally still not out of the building and I end up parking in some awkward spot right in front of the building while everyone walks past my car awkwardly acting as if I’m about to run them over. I’m like bro calm down. LMAO.

*UPDATE* 12/30/2016
So guys, LOT has happened since we last spoke and there's something I never told you…
 I’m having a baby in July. I know. I know WHAT THE ACTUAL F. Me, Sister Christian, always preaching about waiting until marriage and doing what God calls you to do went and got herself knocked up. Yup. I laid my morals down *pun completely intended* and I slept with an old "friend" from my Dual-Credits days back at community college. I KNOW. Cue the ironic laughter. And, yknow, if that weren’t enough frosting for you, get this; homeboy’s a total deadbeat that doesn’t want to have anything to do with me or the baby. Maybe it’s because he knows he can’t afford it, or MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE HAS A 3-MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Yea. He cheated on his section-8 girlfriend and the poor soul decided to defend him even after finding out he denied her and their daughter's existence. Cliché as fuck or what. LOL Yup turns out the “ex-girlfriend” he “broke up with and had nothing in common with anymore” is actually his current girlfriend who was just out of town visiting her mom. Turns out also that “her baby” is actually THEIR BABY. The guy is a total liar and I don’t want my future son or daughter knowing anything about him. If they ask I’ll confess of course but if I can help it I’ll never mention this guy so long as I live. The main garbage thing about all this is that it all could’ve been prevented. He wouldn’t buy me the pill until like 3 days after we’d had a ton of unprotected sex and then when I found out I was pregnant he tried to force me into abortion. 

Anyway, I think I'll make a post right after I finish this explaining the long story that has been the last couple of months since I found out I was expecting but until then let me just say, life has been wild.
It's 2017 in two days and I never thought I'd turn 22 as a mom. I never thought I'd let my foolish irresponsibility get me to a point where I'd be responsible for the life of someone else for the rest of my existence but guys I'm actually so so excited. I am nervous and anxious and I have no idea how the next 18 years of life are going to be but I am so excited to meet my precious angel. I think about this baby so often and I've already bought an adorable antique crib for them. It's been 3 months now and the baby is growing strong inside of me. They love pickles and french fries and they haven't given me a single problem the whole time. I've experienced absolutely no morning sickness, pain, fatigue nothing. Just a happy experience while I grow God's little seed. Anyway guys, I think I'll write that separate post now. I hope you all are having a wonderful end of the year and I hope there are many wonderful things to come in the new year for you! Until next time…

Please, pink responsibly. 

Thursday, October 6, 2016


Awwh hey you!

   So, just last week I finished one of my all time favorite pieces; #twinning.

Lately I've been on this huge anime stint because the more I practice the better I get and I've always had a huge fan-girl relationship with anime. To be completely honest, I don't like anime cartoons. Other than super girly ones like Squid Girl and Sailor Moon, I never enjoyed the plots of anime.
I've also just never been really interested in cartoons, because I always felt they were so childish and even though I love drawing cartoon-style pieces, watching an actual cartoon has never been fun for me. In fact I think I can list my top favorite cartoons on one hand and I didn't watch every episode of these shows, only when there was nothing else on. In any matter, back to this piece. I started my obsession with learning to draw anime when I first did DesuDesu. She went SO well that I figured I could really get into drawing some more pieces like this. If you read the post on DesuDesu you'll see that I used clothing I actually want to buy someday and incorporated that into the picture. Using that same method, I decided I would create two girls and I would dress them up in cute clothing that I got the inspiration from via my top rated clothing stores. I started out first with the base of the girls. I drew one girl a little closer the left of the page and then, using a ruler, I draw a few long lines to the right side. With these lines as a guide I started to draw the second girl. Usually it takes a little time perfecting the length of the legs and torso, and the size of the head but once I've got it down, creating a second body is cake. Really the second body (if I'm drawing one) is just a copy of the first, that I end up touching up a bit to make it its own. 

Next I tried to think of a way to connect the girls and have them sort of be sisters; especially because I knew the title early on would be called Twinning or SisterSister or something and I wanted them to be connected without making them look exactly alike. That's how I came up with Cream the Cat. I thought to myself, *hmm* what if I drew a kawaii & fluffy little animal that the two girls could be holding and it could be like the two sisters shared this cute pet! I realized that a kitty was the best choice but the cat couldn't be skinny. Because y'know a fat pudgy cat is definitely cuter. I redrew the cat like 3 times before I had his adorable little fat body down perfect and once that was complete I gave him a swirly little tail to mimic a cream swirl (hence the name Cream) and the drawing was ready for the next step! After the body outline was complete I moved on to the clothing and hair. That was not only the easiest part but also the most fun! I gave Mika (right) straight hair and low bangs. All I could think of when drawing her hair was the color choices I'd have and that made me so overly excited I just want to get started before it was even ready. Keena (left) was given wavy hair, because like I said the two girls are twins but I didn't want them to be identical, and what better way to differentiate these two than with their hair? After that came wardrobe. I love putting cute clothes on my girls because it's like playing fashion designer. I may not have the cash at the moment to buy a bunch of new clothes but I can certainly glam up my drawings by drawing out my dream get-ups on them! I started with Keena's look. I knew I wanted to make her the sexier sister considering she had the most innocent looking face. Mika looked sexier in the face which is why I gave her a more baby-doll ensemble. I didn't want to make it obvious by giving Keena a sweet outfit and face and then Mika sexy & sexy, so I switched it up. I started by giving Mika a sweet fuzzy crop sweater. I got the idea from a little top I saw on Romwe and I made it pink because duh you can never have too much pink. I used light squiggly strokes of my Prismacolor Marker to make the fuzzy texture and it actually ended up looking really legit. Then I gave her an adorable crop top adorned with little hearts. After that I picked a pair of jeans because I debated a skirt for a while but I knew Keena would be wearing a skirt and I just really didn't want two skirts. I liked the idea of variety and even though I could've done like a tennis skirt which is flowy, I really felt like I should do jeans. I contemplated high waist but Mika's tummy was so cute and I wanted to give her a belly ring so I gave her regular-waist jeans. In real life I would NEVER wear or condone the wearing of a pair of regular-waist jeans but it worked well for the picture. Seriously, can I stress this? I hate regular jeans. 

No, scratch hate--loathe. There's something wrong with them, actually everything's wrong with them, they're so ugly. They don't flatter the female body whatsoever and they just make the legs look short and the torso abnormally long. My distain started around age 16 and I thought it was because I was kinda short (5'6") but then I looked at them on tall girls and I was like nope, no they're just hideous. Anyway I never imagined I would disgrace one of my pieces with a pair or regular-waist jeans but it kinda worked here. So, anyway, the outfits were for sure a success. I was excited to add detail also, so rather than just a skirt I wanted to do the lace up style. I thought the top might be a little too conservative so I added some cutouts and a little side-boob and I think that Really did it. With Keena's look out of the way it was just about adding detail to Mika. I gave her jeans little heart cut-outs at the knees that had bullets punched out all around it. Then her shoes were just going to be strappy sandals but because Keena had on the gladiator type shoes, I didn't wanna mimic that look, so I gave her little pompom tassels instead.

 I decided I'd use the same method I used on her fuzzy sweater to add detail to the shoes' pompoms! 
Keena's knee was never
intended to be this lumpy
and long. She looks like
she has some muscle
disorder but…
Alright, now that the final touches were finished I was ready to start outlining. I used my Micron Pens to do that. I believe I used Micron #05 #08 and #03 to do this piece. The numbers represent the tip sizes, and the higher the number the thicker the tip. I usually use 8 to outline the entire thing like the outer rims of the body and hair etc. then I use the smaller sizes to detail the accessories or the eyes or any other are that's very small and intricate. In this instance I also used a Micron #02 to detail Keena's Thigh tattoo. Outlining is almost my favorite part because it really makes me feel like the whole thing is coming together. The only thing I don't like about outlining, however, is that fact that sometimes I screw it up and the drawing doesn't look as good as a result. Wether it's a result of a shaky hand or lack of focus, a lot of the times when I outline with pen I draw a line too long, or lopsided or crooked or whatever. You can actually see here in this closeup of the final image that I really screwed up Keena's knee. A lot of people think the picture is still fantastic and usually--unless I point it out--they don't even notice it. I do, though and it's almost always such a blaring mistake that it makes me so mad I seriously wanna dramatically overreact and tear up the whole thing. It's really sucky because it's like I'm spending anywhere from 2-5 hours sketching out this perfect image, erasing and redrawing hoping to make something spectacular that not a lot of people have seen or can do or whatever and I end up actually accomplishing that but then I go to draw over it with my ink and it get's f*cked up and I'm like
 WHAT THE FUUUUUUHHH ୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭ ?!?!!?
It's definitely horrible and it can really be discouraging but I try to solider on and just do the best I can with what I have. So anyway yea, the outlining didn't go as well as hoped and to be honest I think I just need to start going at it a little slower (no naughtiness intended) and taking my time and focusing more. I think I get so excited about the piece that I'm like "I got this & it's about to look so mathematical!" and I end up getting ahead of myself and screwing it up. I guess it's not so bad though because most of the time people are like "Dude I don't see anything wrong with it" and that makes me feel a lot better. Are they lying to me? Are they really vomiting on the inside from the amount of ugly? Only God knows. But I'd like to believe that they really don't see a flaw and that the mistake is only visible to me.

In any matter, after the outline was complete it was time for color. I know I know, hold your applause, but it truly is my all-time favorite aspect of art. In fact if you Visit my Artist's Page you'll see that 99.9% of my art is colorful. I loved color because it tells a story beyond the drawing itself. Picking the right colors not only makes your piece pop but it also helps the viewer get a little understanding of why you did it or what you meant by it. Now don't get me wrong please. I'm not a fussy art snob who looks at some cliche painting of obligatory shapes & streaks and thinks *insert snobby Euro accent* "Why yes, yes I truly see that this piece is a blatant representation of the bludgeoning of our middle class society". 
I don't look at a piece of work and always assume that the artist had some deep meaning behind why they created the image the way they did and word of advice: you shouldn't either. Lemme let you in on a lil' secret… sometimes we artists just paint something 'cause we can. Or 'cause we're bored, or 'cause we something similar on TV or something that inspired something else etc. It's not always about some underlying hidden message sometimes it's from sheer boredom or random creativity. Not saying all artists are painting off the top of their head like I usually do, just saying a lot of the time that's what's happening. So, when I'm telling you the colors I used represented something I don't mean in a way that means like; I gave her a red skirt because when I was kid my mom bought me a red skirt, I mean I pick the colors in a way that's going to *hopefully* fascinate and intrigue people. Keena, I gave blonde hair because it seemed the most beautiful. I began with the idea of black, but after I decided I wanted her to be wearing a black top (which was originally going to be red actually) I realized I didn't want the two to blend so I knew that was out of the question. Then I thought about red, but after realizing the skirt would be a blood-red (which I had presumed I would make Navy Blue or Hunter Green) I knew that would look way too matchy-matchy as well. Brown seemed like an OK idea but I had already been really set on making Mika's hair brown and even though they're twins I didn't want to give her something to make them look the same as her sister so I knew I couldn't do that either. That's when I realized I would do blonde. I looked at my options and I figured yellow blonde was the most vibrant way to go. I left a few spaces blank to give the appearance of light reflection and voila! The hair was ready to go. Keena's skirt, like I mentioned earlier ended up being blood red. I liked blue and green but because her shirt was black I didn't want to go too dark with the rest of the outfit. I made her gladiator sandals black to match the top and accented it with gold buckles. Finally I gave Keena blue eyes because I had to go classic with her blonde hair. Next came Mika's final color choices. I knew right off the bat I wanted Mika to be wearing pink. The image sort of depicts two sister who're not entirely alike but are still twins. Mika is the sweet-but-really-naughty sister and Keena is the sexy-but-really-shy sister. So I needed to make the outfits and the facial expressions sort of tell that story. Mika's fuzzy sweater in pink was easy to do and, as I said before, I just used light squiggly strokes to mimic fuzz coming off. I made the heart pattern on her top pastel shades of purple and pink and then I gave her light-wash denim for her jeans. I also gave her a naughty little cherry tattoo that reads 'Lucky' to kind of continue the theme of naughty-or-nice? girl and I think it really worked. Lastly, I gave Mika pink&purple fuzz balls on her sandals to continue the look of the top going throughout the whole ensemble (sort of like I did for Keena). Once the two looks felt good and ready I accented Mika with a little bean sprout in the top of her head, sort of making her look like an alien but without being too convincing. After that was all done I began to color Cream the Cat. Cream was quick and easy. He needed to be Frosting related 1) because of his name & 2) because he just looked like a squishy pile of pudding. I actually thought of brown, like pudding, but then I started to feel like that might make him look like poop. With that terrible idea out of my head I started to think about what I would name him just based off the way he looked. I thought of Icing, Frosting (obvi, like my blog), Yogurt, and Pudding but by this point I was more hungry than I was closer to finding a good name. Cake seemed cool but that was the character from Adventure Time and I didn't wanna be a copycat so I continued to brainstorm. Finally, after a few minutes of steaming from the ears, I came up with Cream. I don't know that it's terribly creative but it seemed cool enough and it went well with the way he was drawn. His last  name is officially Swirl (on account of his swirly tail) so his official name is Cream Swirl the Cat. I figured by naming the characters I'd be able to do multiple drawings of them just in different scenarios! I think that if people see a reoccurring character in someone's art they really start to grow accustom to it and they wanna see it more and more. I chose the Prismacolor Marker that was actually titled Cream to color Cream. I also used a soft pink called Blush Pink to give his little swirl some character. He might look like a girl but Cream the Cat is definitely a boy and he loves Keena & Mika the most. So, yes. After all was said and done and everything had it's color, my piece was basically perfect. My dad came in behind me and suggested I draw a cool shape or something behind the girls to give them basically a background to sit in front. I didn't know how to go about executing this so my dad--using a plate, a dipping-bowl and a ruler--drew a cool box shape behind the girls. It definitely looked great and I was so happy with it that I'm glad my dad was actually able to contribute something positive for once! I later used photoshop to fill in the background with a sparkly pastel gradient I found on Google!
 The final product turned out so well you guise I could scream! I am so happy with all the input my family gave me in the final decision making for color and hair and the background my dad drew. I hope to do many more pieces like these and I hope you all love it! Let me know what you think by commenting below!

Until next time!

*Please, Pink Responsibly.

Monday, October 3, 2016

UNIVERSITY ( ᵕ̤ ‧̫̮ ᵕ̤ )

Greetings all!

        I think I'm going back to school! I know, what?! 
After almost 4 years of being freed from the institution of hell I'm diving--or, perhaps plummeting--face first right back in! Am I excited? Well let's get into that. On the one hand, certainly. I miss the camaraderie of the school environment; the friendships that didn't last outside of school but were tons of fun during the semester, the multiplied chances of meeting a hot guy and getting to go on classy Tumblr-worthy dates and especially the fun of actually being good at a subject and really wanting to give it your all. College can offer a lot of perks when it comes to your social life but it also helps advance you quickly and helps round out what exactly you want to do in your life. On the other hand, college is so predictable that it almost hurts my stomach. A lot of the people there--students and teachers alike--are like overgrown middle schoolers and there can still be drama and petty people no matter how hard you try to avoid it. If that weren't enough to make me run for the hills (because I really actually really hate confrontation) the stress of trying to find scholarships or get accepted for Financial Aid, or otherwise pay thousands of dollars in loans is wayyy too much stupid for me to handle. That's really why I don't feel v motivated to attend uni again. I mean when I was seventeen it was alright because I was young and just becoming attractive and I was overly zealous about the attention I would get from my peers, but now I'm 21 and the appeal of being the center of attention has nearly completely lost its luster. Don't get a nigga wrong, I love dressing well and keeping my body healthy and my skin clear but to be honest, the whole flirting with all these guys and acting like a queen B for the girls is so cliche at this point that I feel overwhelmingly tepid about the entire idea. I don't really like people I've discovered, and it feels like a mixture of social anxiety mixed with a short-patience span. I don't like being told what to do and I certainly don't like people who pretend for me. If you don't like me, let's talk. If you do, cool. Otherwise stay out of my way. It's not very Christian of me but thank God I'm forgiven for my commonly shitty attitude. 

In any matter, 
I don't feel like completely draining your day of joy so let's move on from this discussion shall we? 
University doesn't sound great but the whole reason behind me going is actually so that I can take theater, and major in the arts. I want to be an actress which isn't something I've told a lot of people just yet. Basically around 13 when I was labeled class-clown and funny man (er, woman) I realized I really wouldn't mind a life in showbiz. I thought about hosting my own show like an interview type show like Oprah has or maybe a comedic thing like Jimmy Kimmel. I wasn't entirely sure I just knew I really would love to be in front of the camera. This little dream of mine was diluted after awhile because I didn't think the reality of me actually becoming famous could happen, so I moved on to what I knew and something I was confident I knew how to do well; draw. I love art, don't get it twisted. It's something that helps free my mind and honestly, drawing something from scratch that came purely from my imagination right onto a piece of paper feels so magnificent that I can't explain it. That said, art isn't what I love. It's just not. I love having the talent to draw great pieces, I love the amazement I see in peoples eye's after viewing what I've done but being an artist really isn't what I want to do with my life.  I want to act. I want to preform on stage, film, television, anything! The idea of not only being an A-lister in Hollywood but also portraying an array of different complex characters makes me so excited I feel it in the tips of my hair. Sometimes, when I'm sitting out here in the sunroom typing here on Mm! Frosting I close my eyes and I picture myself learning new stunts for an upcoming action thriller with Tom Cruise or practicing my lines with Channing Tatum for a new feel good comedy debuting the following year and I actually scream. I am so so ready for all this and more and going to school seems like a pretty good first step for me. It can't hurt, to be on the road to having a degree which just makes my resume look more prestigious all while secretly checking off goals on my list to becoming an actress. I absolutely have confidence that I have what it takes to be successful in Hollywood and now it's just a matter of figuring out what path to take to get there. I haven't told a lot of people this dream, like I mentioned earlier, mainly because I've done that sort of thing before and it makes me look bad. You know, you have this off the handle idea and you really think you'll make a go of it and suddenly you aren't anywhere near the goals you'd set and it's already been a year and a half and everyone's looking at you like "bruh, weren't you going to do/be blah blah blah" and you're awkwardly smiling trying to pretend you're still making moves when you've secretly abandoned the idea entirely and just haven't told anyone yet. Yeah, that was me literally 2 years ago. I was on this huge fashion stunt where I convinced myself I would be a clothing designer, but after realizing how boring and tedious sewing could be and how teeth-clenchingly costly the startup of a business was, I timidly backed out of the position. Now I'm still having to answer questions asked by old friends on "What ever happened to that clothing thing you were doing" and "How's the clothing line coming". It's so awkward because I even asked a few local girls I knew if they would be interested in modeling for the brand and they were like OMG YES and now if I ever see them I kinda do this thing where I duck my head and hope to God they don't see me. Of course, when they do--and they always do--I'm stuck giving half-assed basically-a-lie answers like "Girl, production is just running so slow, but hopefully things will be up again soon" or "The creative director (aka my best friend) and I have been having a lot of differences and right now the startup is on hold." or something to that effect. The latter of which is true, Kara and I did have disagreements mainly because she didn't really want to do anything she just wanted to be able to say she was co-owner of a company. I can't blame her though, the whole idea was mine to begin with and I sort of sucked her into it because she was my bff and she had to LOL. Now that that fantasy has died I really don't want to go at it again with this new acting career. Of course, acting is nothing like  the fashion designer gig; I'm actually passionate about becoming an actress. I know it's not something I'll easily give up on or find too difficult to accomplish. In fact, whatever it takes I'm willing to do (besides sell my soul/self obviously) because I really really want/need this for my life. I'm the kind of female with rather expensive taste and I know that the lifestyle of a movie starlet is so lucrative that I'll be able to afford the exact kind of life I see myself having and then some. I'll be able to finally give freely to charities and my church and other churches and maybe even get to do some missionary work on my down time! I'm mostly excited about giving money to my mom and my siblings and helping increase their lives tremendously but mainly I'm just so over-the-moon excited about movie premieres and red carpet events. My whole social calendar will be filled and I'll be signing autographs and taking pictures with thousands of people who don't really know me but somehow still love me, or at least the characters I portray. I think that being a pretty-small-town girl for 21 years is going to help me because I'm really going to appreciate all the glitz and glamour that come with this career. I feel like a lot of actors/actresses are totally burned out from all the years and years of being in showbiz, because a huge majority of them have been doing it since they were kids. With me, though, I've always lived a paycheck to paycheck life. My parents rarely had to say no to things I wanted but it was because they either put it on a credit card or worked like dogs to get it. Even now, as I write this my parents, who're in their 50s, are struggling to make ends meet, and even with their military/disability checks they still don't have jobs and don't have more than what it takes to cover our bills. I don't want that for myself. I want so much more than that. I want to pull my family from these trenches and more than anything I want to ensure that I myself and my future children never ever have to live that way. I never want to worry about school tuition, food, mortgage, taxes, health insurance any of it. I never want to argue every day with my spouse like my mom does because we have practically no money and it's draining our relationship and putting us at odds with one another. I never ever want to hate my life and my situation and trust me, I know first hand that having no money will do absolutely that. I refuse to be average or below it. I want millions, I'm worth millions and I deserve millions. Hell, if anyone deserves it it's me. So I'm done complaining, wallowing, pacing and staying stagnant. I'm going to school, I'm getting a job and I'm making moves to be everything I know I can and will be. & like I said earlier y'know, it's just a matter of time before this girl here is on the cover of your favorite magazines and headlining in your favorite new films. & I'll say it again,when they make my Wikipedia page; I hope they use a picture I like…

until the next time

*Please, pink responsibly.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Happy Belated October 1st

Greetings all °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

   Scratch that earlier remark I made about feeling less pessimistic. 
The job interview went well like I mentioned in my previous post, DesuDesu, but evidentially not well enough considering I didn't get the job. Yes it's October, my absolute favorite month of year--partly because it's Halloween and my mom's Birth month but Mainly because of the magical weather.
Unfortunately, I'm not totally enjoying myself because I'm still unemployed. I'm at this utterly vexing crossroads in my life where I feel physically incapable of working some mediocre 9-5 all while my parents are on the verge of throwing me out if I don't. It's at a point that I feel like I might join the military. What've I got to lose anyway? I'm totally miserable in my current surroundings and I don't see another way out. Let me start this story over, so those of you just visiting can get a better understanding of my situation. I grew up in a close knit family for the most part, with the typical mom-and-dad-hate-each-other-but-are-too-broke-to-divorce scenario. I had an older sister whose job--it seemed--was to make sure to be the most screwed up individual of the family to ensure the destruction of trust from my parents so that when it came time for the rest of us to venture off they would certainly be too scarred to even blink. I'm the second oldest and after me my parents popped out two more spawns. Being second always felt like just that. Too naive or immature to do the things my eldest sister did but of course too old to be childish or given more than 2 chances at screwing up. My little sister was 5 years younger than me and from the moment she could talk she irritated me. I don't remember if I always thought she was annoying or if the distain slowly festered into what it has become but I just remember her always whining and complaining and my oldest sibling did that enough that I really Really didn't need it from the younger one too. Just as I was about to be the first ever 6 year old to commit suicide God saved me because, after 3 years, my parents birthed my final (and favorite) sibling, Roger. My little brother (one of the only people in this world I can stomach for more than a day) reminds me of myself so much. Always did and always will. He's very cool & go-with-the-flow just like I consider myself. He really never complains and just accepts things if they don't go as planned. He doesn't whine and bitch and disrespect everyone like my two sisters. He's not always nice but usually it's after constant prodding from others. That's why I get along with him so well--that and the fact that he's probably the only family member I have who listens to me. My mother and I are close, really close. I definitely admire her and she's shown me (in every case accept her marriage) how to be strong and independent. My two sister's and my Dad can remain unmentioned because I truly haven't the slightly care for them and I will miss them the least when I move out into the world on my own. While on the topic of moving out… I haven't yet and I'm 21. I know lots of people stay at home well into their 30s, I mean heck my own best friend is 25 and still living in her parents garage but they don't seem to care. My parents, on the other hand do. My mom likes my company but I can see the irritation she has for me behind her supportive You-Can-Do-It! attitude. My Dad is the kind of man who wants to do something quickly and not very well as long as it means he'll be finished and back on the couch watching Alien Conspiracies on YouTube soon. He didn't retire from the military and he rarely takes his jobs seriously. I'm not going to say he hasn't had hard times (and after the horrible 8 months I've had hopelessly searching for a new job, I can see how spiritually-draining it can be) but I don't have 4 kids and wife to look after. So basically my Dad just harasses me everyday with Want Ads and CraigsList Posts, shaking his iPad in my face like "Have you found work yet? Because your mother and I are paying all your bills and it's pathetic." He's decided against the sugar-coating method my mom uses by belittling me and repeatedly mentioning how his friends kids or his siblings kids all have MBA's at some Prestigious School of Don't Give a Shit.  I, on the other hand, am a lowly peasant with sort-of-talent and a hard head, according to him. Oh! And don't get me wrong, after I've done something for him and run an errand he was too lazy to do himself he'll definitely be sure to congratulate me on being a "great kid" but when the dust settles and my Car insurance bill comes around I'm back to "a lazy child who takes everything for granted and has no respect". I don't want to say my parents (or my mom anyway) is totally wrong. I haven't been looking for a job as hard as I could, and since February (when I left my old job) I've only applied to like 10 jobs every other day. I guess it's a discouraging combination of feeling like my great work ethic is being undervalued at some stupid company mixed with my underlying desire of being a model/actress but not getting the chance to. I feel somewhat held back by my appearance (because I honestly feel like I look like a monkey without makeup) but it's also not having any money to travel to casting calls, pay for acting lessons or headshots, etc. I was watching a report on Zulay Henao this actress who was apparently in the military for 3 years before leaving, joining acting school and now headlining in major films. That's why I mentioned the Military earlier, it seems like a nice route, considering all my room & board is paid for and I get a lot of side money as well. All I know is I gotta get the HELL out of here. My mom, I'll definitely miss but I know she and I are always gonna be tight. We talk about decorating my future home and throwing swanky cocktail parties with my celebrity friends once I'm ballin'. I know she'll be pleased with whatever I do it's just this process of getting there is so horrible. Anyway here's where everything gets somewhat better but still completely messy and uncertain…
Last year at the end of May I was driving home from that bullshit-job I had when an absent-minded garbage truck driver t-boned into the side of my truck. I didn't die, obviously, and miraculously I had no broken bones or anything. The airbag busted a gash into my lip (which swelled to the size of a ping-pong ball) and tore a chunk of skin off my hand and neck but other than that I was in tact. I've had some reoccurring shoulder/neck pain and sometimes some numbness but the doctor's say I'm doing good. Obviously I wasn't going to let that monkey city-truck-driver wash his hands of the incident so my parents helped me hire an attorney. We sued and now I feel confident that I'm about to come into some money. This money will help me pay off my car (because instead of using the insurance money to get me a new vehicle my parents spent it on bills which meant I had to take out a 7k loan and now I'm slowly paying it off). It's also going to pay for me to go back to college (which I was hesitant about at first but now I couldn't be more excited because I'm going to take Theater while I'm there). I'm also going to use some of the money to pay for cosmetic surgery. I'm finally going to get the nose job I've wanted so desperately since I was 16. Some of the money I'm going to put into a savings account and the rest of the money I'm giving to my parents to help their finical situation a little. All of this sounds so picture perfect, but the reality is that lawsuits take so much longer than you'd expect. It's not as simple as 'You hit me out of the blue so pay me asshole' as one would hope. No, instead it's request after request and the firm changing your case manager 6 times and reasons upon reasons why something Isn't happening or Hasn't happened yet. Finally the firm moved my case to a bulldog litigator named David. I love him. I think I may be in love. LOL. The man actually cares and has been giving me advice on what and what not to say; something my previous amateur attorneys never did. He's working diligently to make my case strong and loud but he's not God and he can't make things move any faster than they're able to. So in the meantime I wait. And wait. And wait some more. And wait on waiting to wait. I try to stress to my folks to just hang in there and in a few months I'll have the money for school, bills, surgery (which will help my acting/model career tremendously) and all the other things they resent me for now. But after 2 months have turned to 6 and 6 months to a year, my parents are growing weary and with their barely-above-average-income status, they can't keep footing the bill for me. My older sister--the spastic one I mentioned earlier--she went and got tied down to some AirForce, Grocery-Store Manager dude with rich relatives so her costly burdensome life has been fully lifted off my parents shoulders. Now it's me and my 2 other siblings and I can just feel how desperately my parents wish I would follow in her footsteps. I mean I remember when my sister was announcing that she eloped my Dad didn't even blink, he was just so over-the-moon with joy knowing he now officially had one less mouth to feed. But turns out he still has me, and I'm apparently the biggest blood-draining leech he's ever known. My mom tries to aide me by saying how my dad just wants me to use my potential to it's fullest but I'm old enough to know the truth now. My heart yearns to make a killing off blockbuster films and magazine covers. To sit on the uncomfortable-looking couch of Jimmy Kimmel and answer all his burning questions and meet celebs like Kimye and the cast of Game of Thrones. All of these things seem so real that when I close my eyes I can actually feel it happening, like I'm Raven having a vision. I've heard that if you can see something happening, like really see it and feel it, it can and will happen. Well I see it. I see it and feel it and God I know it's meant to happen but it's like how? When? Will I be like Morgan Freeman and start at 50?! Will I just get my big break after a few Theater sessions like Sophie Turner?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO GOD?! The settlement money paving the way for me is so idealistic that it actually hurts my teeth to say it, but because it's so ideal it of course has to be the longest, hardest, shakiest route of all time. Nothing in life is just handed to you, and if it is it doesn't stay smooth with no interruptions. The greatest plans can go wry and the worst situations can turn magically spectacular out of nowhere. That's what I hate about where I'm at right now. I'm living this horribly stressful and draining yet completely (and sadly) common life of an American 21-year-old where I either  
  1. Work like a slave at a crappy, monotone,  dead-end job and make just enough money to pay my bills and maybe go out every other weekend to the same shit night clubs.
  2. Go to college in hopes of finding a higher-paying monotone, dead-end job with added bonus of School Loans to now pay off for the next 12 years.
  3. Continue to egg my parents on for as long as possible to avoid working again but have no money and constantly listen to lectures on how I don't contribute to the family whatsoever.
Oh! And the best part? No matter which of the lovely aforementioned options I choose, I will STILL have to be living at home, with my mom and dad and 2 siblings, under their rules and constant arguing. 

Do you see why my life is so grand yet? And I know. I know there's people out their with facial deformities and missing limbs and parents who sodomize them with coat hangers but TOUGH TITTY. I'm not them. I'm me, and even if my situation pales in comparison the extremities I just mentioned, it still sucks. I still wake up feeling lost, and I pray and talk to God but it's not easy when he's up their chilling knowing the end and beginning and I'm down here being smacked in the face Daily with negative thoughts, people and surroundings. I do trust God, I do. I just don't know which way is up sometimes. It's like when you jump into deep water and everything is nice because you feel weightless and free and your body is warm but the water is cool and your hair is flowing and you feel a moment of bliss, but then panic creeps in because you're so deep you don't know which direction to swim to get back to the top. When you finally realize how to get out your even more scared because you're swimming and swimming and you still haven't reached the surface. All at once you want to scream but you can't breathe in. That's what my life feels like. Like I'm stuck, drowning. Like my boat is just filling with water and my parents are yelling at me because I'm not doing anything to stop it. I try and tell myself that this horrible journey is going to make for the best book one day, and the coolest story to tell when I'm being interviewed on Good Morning America. I'll tell everyone of how I was home schooled, and how I hated school and how I never wanted to go back to college. I'll tell people aspiring to act that sometimes you can be stranded and feel like there really just is NO hope, but there is. I'll explain how my parents were fed up with me and how I was *this close* to joining the navy or becoming a stripper. How suicidal I felt during the horrible years I worked as a subordinate to other people in the corporate world. Covered in acne and running out of money for the expensive treatments to rid myself of it, when all of sudden I starred in Such&Such Movie. I got signed to This&That Modeling Agency and BlahBlahBlah Cosmetics. And just like a whirlwind I went from nobody to It Girl. From selling magazines at the grocery store to being on the cover of them. From hating myself and my life to finally doing what I've always dreamed of doing.  Being a spokesperson for self-acceptance and love, modeling the latest fashion and going to premieres with my celebrity costars. It's all right in front of me, behind a locked door which I haven't yet found the key to. Waiting on my settlement is like waiting on a dry day in the rainforest. Truthfully, I like to use this metaphor when I explain my situation to people; waiting on my chance is a lot like being sick with the flu. You know that it's not forever. You know that you're going to get better because you always do. You know all the things you're going to do once you're feeling better but you have no idea when. There's nothing that states when the flu ends because it's different for everyone. All you know is that you're not going to die, but that's it. You feel close to it, so SO close to death but you know it won't happen. In the meantime you wait, and wait and feel like the devil's armpit. You cry because you're so tired of this and you just want to be how you know you're supposed to, but you're not. You're stuck. And all there is to do is all you can with what you have and try and hold on for the brightness that floats loosely ahead of you. That's me. I'm sick with this disease of the unknown. Of not know when my acting/modeling career will take off so I just wait, and try not to kill myself at a stupid job I know I won't like until then. Try to keep my skin clear for future modeling while blackheads from stress multiply across my cheeks and forehead. Try to explain to my parents that this acting/modeling career isn't a joke and I DO have a plan and it WILL WORK. Try to stay happy even when all bad things are coming against me. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm using my art and God's Words to channel my anger, fear and uncertainty. I'm writing as often as I can on here to get social and perhaps gain recognition through this outlet. I'm talking weekly with my lawyer to see if there's anything I can do to speed the process along, and making moves and connections with anyone and everyone that is or could be important in the future. I'm keeping my head held up even though life is lashing me in the face. I know all of this is just making for the perfect background, and one day on my Wikipedia page, the write-up on my 'Early Life' section will tell everyone about the story I just shared with you. About my inner struggles, my depression, my feelings of hopelessness and trying to walk the Christian-walk all while still feeling unsure of so many things. I know all this and more is in store for my life, and mark my words I'm GOING to make it happen. You'd better believe me when I say I'm determined. So don't feel sorry for me just yet. Pray for me, send me good vibes, believe with me that I'm going big places. And stay in touch as I post my daily endeavors on my journey to becoming 'Erica Elizabeth, American actress and model". I just hope Wikipedia uses a picture of me that I like… 

until next time,
*Please, Pink Responsibly.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

DesuDesu ! ₍ฅᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢฅ₎*・゚。


 I may be feeling slightly less pessimistic today !
I went to a job interview yesterday + it went very well. It looks like the kind of job I may actually be able to stomach! *hands-together* it all works out.  In the meantime, while I wait on my call, I needed to occupy my mind some other way. Dad tells me in those times, when you need to let out emotion, draw. That or pray. That's my Dad's answer for most things lol. But turns out he was right! So look, my friend Kendall turned 23 a week or so ago and he knows I'm sort of artistically gifted so he asked for an original from me! I really rarely get asked to draw as a gift to someone so it was a pleasure! Kendall didn't really specify what he wanted just a drawing so I decided maybe Anime? Kendall draws too and I noticed he draws anime among a few other things. I think he said he wants to be an animator/illustrator. What a goal! He sketches really well + his work always intrigues me. Anyway. So basically I just was like, I wanna draw some anime but I had no idea how to go about doing it. Contrary to possible belief, drawing anime successfully is not that simple. If you're anything like me you assume that a good anime girl drawing must consist of a few simple attributes like; large boobs, shiny hair and big eyes. *Insert buzzer sound effect* Wrong.

Drawing good anime actually requires a little research unless you just have it in you to draw anime well. So I spent a couple intimate moments with good ol' Google itself and it showed me a ton of great examples for anime girls. The eyes can be done a couple ways but the main key is the border of eyelashes. They should only appear on the sides, the top + bottom but not the center or inner areas. 
The color and shapes within the eye usually vary as you see above. Sometimes its a single black dot in the center with color around it and sometimes it's color with a gray shadowy haze looming over top. Sometimes the eye is accented with a little white light shine. All of these elements need to be applied when drawing a convincing anime character! Later, after the eyes, I realized that the anime girl has a distinct tiny mouth, pointed chin and somewhat large head. Her hair almost always comes down in chunky streaks, like you see above also. I appreciate this common feature because it helps me plan hairstyles to draw on my characters ahead of time, or at least give me an idea of what I'm going to attempt. So, with some of my new found knowledge I began to sketch a girl.

When I draw a body, I usually take a photo of myself or a model from the internet and I use that to form a good base shape. I used myself in this instance so I took a selfie of myself by using my camera timer and striking a pose. Then I began to sketch my anime girl's body based on the image of myself. Obviously the proportions ended up slightly different and the curves and assets I enhanced to give it a real anime feel. I had to reshape the breasts at least 4 times which was pretty annoying but after I'd had the body shape down flat I realized the breasts were ill proportioned. So with my trusty White Pearl eraser I rounded and re-rounded her boobs until they were as supple and voluptuous as any. Then I moved onto the head. Her chin and face shape was easy to master, as I'd been staring at example anime images for hours prior to this, however the eyes were a little bit tricky. I could't really decide which style I wanted to go with, the dot in the center, the gray haze over the eye color, it was difficult to decide because I feel like the eyes of an anime girl are the staple. The key item to nailing a legitimate anime drawing. Anyway, after a few failed attempts and a lot of erasing, I became pleased with the eyes that have a dot in the center. I also picked orange as her eye color because my Prismacolor Marker set gives me like 5 orange-tones to choose from, so I knew I could really define her eyes and make them pop with all those varying shades.

I added tiny shadows
to give the illusion of full lips !
Once the eyes were complete I sketched a tiny nose and mouth. I realized pretty early on (like earlier then when I was doing research, basically just from watching anime on TV) that anime/japanese drawings tend to give the characters small mouths with no lips. The mouth is literally just a slit or a small black smile-shaped opening. The presence of teeth and lips are almost always completely left out. I think it's because Japanese girls--or Asian whatever--really don't have very big lips in real life, and anime is like the extreme portrayal of that so they have absolutely no lip definition. Well, that may be so but for me that wasn't going to cut it. My drawings always have to evoke my inner feels and thoughts and I like them to have a bit of my personality in them. So for my anime character I decided to add a little tiny shadow above and beneath her mouth to give the illusion of some pouty lips. I myself have really puffy lips + that made me wanna incorporate that into this piece.

   Anyway the hair color was hard to decide on. I was thinking strongly about red, but I felt like that would be way too little mermaid, especially since the red Prismacolors I have are like Fire-Engine and Blood Crimson hues. Next I thought about orange, like she's a true redhead but then I remembered the whole orange-eye thing I was going for so I had to nip that in the bud too! Lastly I thought about maybe doing a pastel hair color like baby blue, pink or lilac.

All of those were ok, but I really wanted the main focus to be on her swimsuit and face. Not saying I wasn't going to put in Work when it came to the design and overall layout of the hair, but I just didn't want the color to be too distracting. Finally I thought long and thoroughly about it, and decided I liked the natural look. When I came to this conclusion, it was now a matter of brown or blonde. Blonde seemed easy enough, but I preferred the fact that the brown idea had a lot more options to highlight with. I have at least 7 different shades of brown so I thought I could really play with the color placement.

The eyes came easily, after that. My biggest concern was nailing the execution of the hair but after a few breezy strokes, I realized it wouldn't be difficult to accomplish my idea. I moved on to some simple shading with my flesh-tone marker, sort of to act as a guideline or border so I'd know where to place my eyes. I really must do this because a lot of the time when I sketch and erase, I go over it with the black ink outline and it doesn't look like the original pencil drawing. It's terribly frustrating and sometimes it's so off it makes the drawing look amateurish and sloppy. I get so mad because I spend a lot of time drawing and erasing and touching up to make the sketch look as close to perfect as a human can accomplish + then when I erase it for the final time and begin to ink it, it's like I erased too heavy + can't locate the original pencil markings and I end up making the eyes too low or the nose too pointy or the fingers too long or whatever! It's so vexing I actually sometimes scream and my mom will walk by looking at me like …OK… Lol. It comes with the package though I guess, not every drawing you make will necessarily be a masterpiece and I guess the artist in me just doesn't wanna accept that. Anyway, I basically used 50 Shades of Orange (LOL) to create DesuDesu's eyes.

 I made the base color Orange with Poppy and Pale Vermillion to accent and outline the eye; sort of giving the iris and retina some definition. Lastly I used Yellowed Orange to bring light to the bottom of the eye and I was sure to leave a few white spaces for light reflection (bc unfortunately I haven't replaced my white ink pen ;/)

The micron pen is my best friend when it comes to art. Sometimes I just make black and white drawings with it and--because it comes it different tip sizes--I can use it to create the entire image from jewels in a necklace to leaves on a tree. I think my favorite part of a Micron pen is the controlled tip. This enables the pen to distribute a controlled amount of ink at all times, so you never get that irritating and unsightly bleed of a regular black ink marker/pen. It's so useful I thank Matthew P. for introducing them to me back when I was only 17! The eyelashes went O.K. but studying up on my anime girls I realize they're a little too boxy for my taste. I should've only put bottom and top lashes instead of lining the entire outer corners like you see above. *Sighs* Oh well, you live + learn, or something like that… So after the major features were completed it was all basically about her outfit. See, I've been channeling my depression for lack of money (& being able to buy new clothes) into my art by using the clothing in my drawings. Sometimes I lie to myself + pretend I'm that kid with the magic paint brush. I convince myself that perhaps if I draw it out I'll actually receive it one day. Maybe I will? Who knows! So anyway I picked this PVC swimsuit for her to wear. It really stems from two different swimsuits and then I kinda made it into my own. I drew some light reflection on her boobs to give the illusion of the wet-look of PVC and I think it worked out successfully. I added Light Cerulean to the backdrop to help DD stand off the page a little, and I think that too was very successful! I contemplated purple and also, again; red, but blue seemed the most vibrant in this case so I took a chance and I'm really glad I did. Anyway, needless to say, Kendall really appreciated the gift, and I had the greatest time making it. Sometimes I get a little frustrated when drawing--especially when I envision something so clearly and I can't get it to go right when I jot it down--but I always love the process of creating a beautiful image with just a few drawing utensils an eraser and some paper.

I really encourage everyone to draw, because even though you might not be great at it, drawing (or even just coloring a book) can be extremely beneficial in releasing stress.
I hope this post helped you feel some inspiration! Grab your markers or pencils and see what amazing things your mind can create! Until then, let me know what you think of the finished piece: DesuDesu!
& if you really love it, it's available for purchase here: BUY DESU DESU

Thank you for reading! &Remember;

*Please, Pink Responsibly. 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin