Saturday, December 31, 2016

Yummy Mummy 2017: The Story of How I Became A Mother This Year


So,
As you all may have read from my previous post… I'm going to be a mom.
I'm going to be a mother. I have to say it a few times because to be honest it's not really sinking in. It hasn't even though I've known since October. I've just been floating through the weeks kind of feeling like I'm in this daze. So, before I get into the now, let me tell you how this all got started.

Back in September, around the last week or so, I started talking to an old "friend" who I'd met from community college. He had always been handsome to me but at the time of our initial meeting, I was only 17 years old and I was a virgin. His name is Eric and he was a solider. I'm not sure what he was studying at the school or even what his last name was but I was flirting with his friend Brian at the time and Brian introduced us. Eric was sly, giving me his number when Brian wasn't looking but back then I thought being a sly piece of shit was code for being a hot ass bad boy. Time went on and I stopped attending university and stopped speaking to Brian but Eric and I stayed in touch. We would try and hang out and sometimes sent each other racy pics but it was never anything too serious. One night my sister and her then-boyfriend Daniel invited me to Cowboys Dancehall for a halloween night and the two suggested I bring someone. I invited Eric. We had fun, Eric danced well and showed me how to Texas Two Step. I felt embarrassed and I hadn't had the chance to file down my fake nails so they were long and witchy and I felt self-conscious that I was stabbing Eric's hand the whole night but he was totally polite. He offered to be me a drink because I was now only 18 and he was 24 or something. I declined and later into the night after a few steamy french kisses, he asked to sneak into my room that night. I agreed to let him sneak but after a few hours of being home and a handful of bowls of pot, I wasn't really in my same mood. Eric snuck in and I was totally in my own feelings. I quickly made excuses not to let him stay and I rushed him out almost as soon as he came in. 
Eric was upset, called me a tease and left but the next morning he said everything was fine and he wasn't mad and that if I wasn't ready to have sex or whatever that was okay. So, Eric and I remained civil but evidentially my unwillingness to have sex and his veracious libido clashed and we ended up distancing ourselves entirely. Fast forward 3 years later to 2016 and Eric and I crossed paths again. I had him on the Social Media app called SnapChat and we started chatting a little there but nothing routine. I noticed early on, around the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016, that Eric had a new lady in his life. I was happy for him, didn't really comment on it because he and I were nothing more than acquaintances that passed by every blue moon. Eventually, however, the girl on Eric's SnapChat abruptly disappeared and for a handful of months I didn't see her anymore. I assumed the two had broken up but again, I didn't even know who she was or what Eric was doing in life anymore so I didn't care badly enough to investigate. Now, insert body-conscious me. Months went by and I was posting Snap after Snap of my body, the progress I was getting from exhausting that Gold's Gym membership to no end and the ever-glossy fullness of my lips. I was posting pictures in my bikini after a steamy sauna-session, from the back in a pair of tight-fitting high-waist jeans and in cheeky mini skirts. I was eating the attention with a spoon and every day was like a dream with continuous responses from girls and guys telling me I looked like a goddess. It was all I could do not to obsess over my phone, and it came to the point that I was looking at my phone more than anything else. It was religious and unhealthy and completely childish, but try telling that to my swollen head. After a couple months of these sex-kitten posts Eric, amongst many of my male SnapChat friends popped his little beaver head up into my rearview. It all led up to him Snapping me one night saying "When will you let me in." I had lost my virginity by this point (2015 to be exact) and so rather than feeling an excited ache of worry in my stomach from something like this I felt a hot wave of desire. I knew I was hot shit (Or at least I convinced myself of that) and the validation from "so many guys" *cough cough like 15* was too much for me to handle. Eric's sexy message made me feel so wanted that I decided to go along with his words. We went back and forth for about a day or so and I eventually agreed to come to his place. The night before I arrived Eric disclosed that he and that girl I used to see on his SnapChat were thinking of getting together, but that he had broken up with her because "Even though I love her and she's great we just have absolutely no connection. Mentally or sexually and I don't think we ever did". He went on to explain "I was right about to dump her but we decided to just take a break instead and now she's in Houston with her mom and her baby". Through this message I got that Eric fooled around with some Thotty that he couldn't shake now because clearly the female was needy. He liked sex so he kept her around but now that the sex is mediocre he was ready to dump her. She's clearly a low 4 on the 1-10 scale because she has a kid (which LMAO that's what I get for judging but…) and now he's rid himself of her at least for the time being. Whatever ways I was justifying the situation I mainly decided I was going to sleep with him because I was 1) Horny asf 2) Extremely sexy and wanted to show how good of a lay I was 3) Had already had sexy 6 different times and each time lasted 4 1/2 minutes tops and was utterly disappointing and 4) I just really didn't care about anything but myself and pleasure. I didn't think about this girl he claimed he was working things out with, I didn't think about my parents who raised me to have morals and respect God and myself and wait for a Godly man who will cherish me and marry me. I didn't think about all the people's lives who could possibly be affected by a decision I would soon make like my little brother and sister and my friends. There were so many things I didn't or chose not to think about but mainly, I really really really did not believe I would get pregnant. I had had unprotected sex every time I've ever done it and even though 6 times isn't a lot, it's enough times that I could've been pregnant. I have never had a problem before so I just explained to myself that if something happened I would simply take Plan B like I had done before or, if it ever really came to it I would just get an abortion. So, after a few more chats I show up all sexy-fied at Eric's shabby ass apartment looking to get laid. The setting couldn't have been sexier; there was a flash flood just outside so when you stood on the balcony of his spot there was rain flooding the little ravine of grass down below. There was crashing thunder and a constant soothing pour of heavy rain. It was dark and the winds were calm so it was a warm little breeze, and the awning over his balcony kept us from getting wet. Eric, who's a bartender, mixed us up some strange blue coconut concoction in a tumbler and poured us big glasses full of the elixir. I, did my best to down it but I don't drink so I was taking girlish sips. The liquid tasted bad but I wanted to finish it, sort of like that whole night, so I kept on until everything around me was a warm, slow haze. Eric brought out a bluetooth speaker and I connected my phone and played a playlist I had created specially for steamy nights called Netflix & Chill. The devil in me really ran wild that night and I felt like everything was so perfect even though it was really just wrong and horrible. The music belted softly from the speakers and I looked out over the wrought-iron railing into the tiny opening of Eric's neighbor's dwellings. The people right below us had plants and trinkets everywhere, hundreds of them and I knew they were all special to the renter. I could just tell. The cool breeze the rain created kissed across my face and all I could feel was my marijuana-high reaching it's peak as the buzz of Eric's Elixir flowed through my bloodstream. I watched as the rain mercilessly beat on the trees and rooftops of the complex, feeling total bliss when suddenly Eric's tall, large frame hovered in behind me. He smelled like alcohol and cologne--or maybe it was his aftershave or his hair gel. I wasn't sure I just knew I was intoxicated by it. I smelled like the candy-floral perfume I had doused on myself before I'd gone in and our scents smelled so good together. The smell of rain quickly faded and the coconut residue in Eric's mouth was suddenly the most vivid thing around me. He put his hands on me and lifted me onto the railing I was just leaning on. We kissed and kissed more and suddenly nostalgic memories of the dorky, awkward night when I frenched him at 17 years old outside of Cowboy's Dancehall flooded in. I wrapped my arms around him and the rest of the night was extremely passionate. I don't want to get too into detail, considering my family could see this eventually but let's just say we sinned repeatedly until we fell asleep and woke up around 9a the next morning. I must say as wonderful as an experience as that was it wasn't magical like I'd be hunting for. It wasn't tears-worthy like my friends claim they've experienced. It didn't make me quiver or shake or feel a sense of love for Eric. It just felt better than what I'd had so I built it up to be this grandeur experience and it really wasn't. All in all, I would say, with all bitterness for the current situation aside, it really wasn't great. It was alright but I didn't experience some head-to-toe pleasure that made me crave it, it was just good I guess. If I had to be 100% truthful though, the experience--as steamy-novel-worthy as it was--it was ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT POSITIVELY NOT worth getting pregnant over. If I could rewind time and never ever experience it again I absolutely would, no hesitation. 
So anyway, since there are no time machines or Tardis' available at this present time, let's move on to what happens next. So the next day Eric slept like a hibachi and wouldn't budge so his plan to get me the morning after pill "in the morning" ultimately failed, because I had to get back home (because I'd snuck out) and he was basically dead. He was too much of a loser to come by later that day and evidentially so was I because I didn't have a job during this time so I had no money and thus no way to buy the pill myself. As awful as it sounds, by this point I really didn't feel concerned because I just thought, meh whenever I get the pill I'll take it and I'll be fine! HAAH WHAT A DUMB MISTAKE. Anyway, Eric came by that night pretending he had the pill. We slept together again and then he admitted he was unable to obtain it because the pharmacy was closed. Finally the next day, 2 and half days after our first night of unprotected sex and 1 day after the other night of it, Eric provides me with the pill but convinces me I shouldn't take it before we do it one last time. I really didn't want to do it, I came unshowered wearing sweats and a hoodie because I was really hoping to repel his unhinged desire for sex but it didn't work. I won't sound like a rape victim here, I could've said no, but I just figured it'd be easier to do it one last time and take my pill than to argue and possibly have him withhold it from me or be upset or whatever. So, finally I take this pill and it's like I don't really know what exactly I was expecting from this thing. The package says like 90 times that it basically only works after a day and it also says it's NOT an ABORTION PILL and it WILL NOT KILL A CURRENT PREGNANCY. But foolish, arrogant, pride-filled me continued to proclaim that there was NOOO Posssible way I could be pregnant! I mean we only had unprotected sex like 18 times! How could I be?? Lmao, God I was an ignorant tramp. Anyway, the last night we did it I woke up the next morning, went to a job interview (which was at my current place of employment lol) and afterwards went and bought another Plan B. The pills were obviously passing through my urine because they didn't do SHIT. Probably because unbeknownst to me, I was already preggers! So, Eric ends up telling me that he wants to get back with his ex and that "her baby" is actually THEIR BABY the night before our last night of irresponsibility. Honestly, hearing all that should've stopped me but I wasn't thinking rationally. I wasn't think "Oh what kind of guy tries to get back with his ex and lies about having a baby with her? I should NOT sleep with him!" I was only thinking of my body and my desires. I was thinking "Oh well glad I'm not the loser girlfriend who thinks this guy is some outstanding citizen" and "Don't care about the rest, I'm not trying to shack up with the loser I'm just on a quest for great sex". Yup. Those were the childish shallow thoughts floating in my feather head and they landed me in this very predicament. Anyway, Eric and I stopped talking after our last time because the tiny slither of godliness in me began to shine through--you know, 18 times after I'd already done the wrong thing--and I began to feel sick about the whole idea of him having a newborn daughter who thinks her daddy loves mommy when in reality daddy is banging his old college friend while me and mommy are visiting grandma. I realized that even though he allegedly wasn't with her I was still sort of home-wrecking and I should just sever the relationship now. Let it be another hit&quit. But as the days passed on my assured spirit dwindled and I grew increasingly nervous. I text Eric here and there but he seemed to grow irritated with me, replying with short 2 word sentences and ignoring my messages for hours. I chalked it up to him not wanting his girlfriend to know what he'd been up to while she was away and I was right. After about a week of my period not arriving I started to feel horribly scared. I was panicky but Eric assured me that the pill screws with your cycle and that it was normal for my period to be late. I believed him, rather than just knowing the truth because I didn't want to accept the truth. After a couple more days the symptoms of my period came, big boobs, bloating and I got a small sense of relief. I felt mild cramping in my lower parts which was what always happened the days leading up to my period so I was ecstatic. I wasn't even thinking of the possibility of pregnancy anymore I was just biding my time before my little friend came to visit. By this time I had nearly been working at my new job for a month and I was making money, treating my family to nice things again and feeling great. It was all going my way, my dirty secrets were swept under the rug and I was free to attend church and praise God and pretend I hadn't ever done such horrible things on those nights. Suddenly, like a slap to the face, I woke up for work one morning and I felt kind of sick. I felt a little weak and fatigue sort of like the first day before the flu hits you hard and so I assumed, because the season was around that time I must have contracted it. I noticed that no other signs were apparent though, no sneezing or throat issues or anything, just literally felt exhausted. Then as the day went on I realized I felt nauseous. It was subtle sort of like when you haven't eaten all day and you just feel a heavy pit in your stomach. I tried to eat but certain things made me feel more nauseous so I just drank water and ate crackers. I'm not sure why I didn't once assume these were early pregnancy signs but it had just come on so quickly that I didn't think that's what it was. I had been out with friends the night before so I kinda thought I just got sick from not washing my hands or something. I missed work for two days with these symptoms and on the third day I realized my boss was getting annoyed. He wasn't mad but he had just hired me to help the team and now I was out for 2 days with a sickness I wasn't really sure how to label. So, that morning I came in feeling ass-like still but I soldiered on. I skipped my usual cup of coffee because suddenly the thought of tasting vanilla coffee made me want to throw up. AJ came into the room with Luigi and I and started asking about what I thought might be wrong. I told her some of my symptoms and that's when Luigi piped in and said "Maybe you're pregnant, I mean you're acting pretty moody". AJ laughed it off and was like Oh Lord! but deep down a fear washed over me. I hadn't given the thought any attention because I was afraid of it but now know it'd been nearly two weeks with no period, I had to accept that this could be true. AJ looked at me pointedly with her mouth a small line. Her brows furrowed and she asked in a gasp "You're not pregnant are you?" I covered my face with my hands and laughed nervously but deep down I was crying and feeling so afraid and so disappointed. AJ convinced me to buy a test during lunch break and see what the results were. I was so afraid to buy I test that I hesitated at first, but I eventually caved and during my lunch break I drove to the grocery store and bought a pack of ClearBlue tests. The kind man at the register politely whispered "I hope you get the answer you want. Whatever it is." I hope so too I breathed timidly and I solemnly walked out to my car holding the test tightly in a garbled up plastic bag. When I got back to work I threw my crap at my desk and hurried to the restroom. I locked the door and sat on the toilet with my panties around my knees. I stared blankly at the test instructions reading how if two lines appear you're pregnant. It said no matter what, whether both lines are dark or one is dark and one is faded, if there are visibly two lines you're pregnant. I prayed a stupid evil prayer that God somehow murder the seed that was more than likely already blossoming inside me so that I could go back to being an irresponsible slut just this time, but the prayer shot up and straight down when I peed on the stick and almost immediately the two lines appeared. I wanted to cry and I started to but no tears would manifest. I was squeezing my eyes but it was almost like I heard God say "Why are you crying? You did this. Your parents read the sex books to you when you were like three. You know exactly where babies come from and how they are made. Did you think letting him release his seed into you would somehow Not make a child??" I felt angry and scared but I couldn't feel any sadness. For what? I did this and now for once in my life I'm going to have to be responsible. It's not another speeding ticket my parents can foot the bill for. It's not a school issue my parents can come and defend me over. It's me. It's my stupid decision that I will now have to handle for the rest of my life. All in all the whole thing was better than an STD but it was still really awful at the time. So anyway, immediately I began to panic. The coward in me took full control and I began to devise my plan on the path of abortion. I told myself I'd never get one, I said I just wasn't the kind of girl who could go forward with something like that. Yet here I was, hovering over a toilet at work decided to sweep my consequence under the rug again. I told myself that because it's so early the baby is practically a needle point and it'll be no big deal. I told myself that I'll never tell anyone, Eric will pay for it and life will resume it's normal functions, but deep down I just kept hearing God ask me disappointedly "Really, Erica?'. Of course I brushed it off, shoving that same voice of righteousness that tried to stop me from even having sex in the first place down into a ditch like always. Burying it with the dirt of my evil desires, but something started to happen. I would spend these quiet times alone with me and God and my little unborn angel and I would just cry. It would start with me recording myself on my phone. I would talk to myself about why I needed to have this abortion and why I needed to do this for my future. I would make all these points that would make me feel okay again, but suddenly my real feelings would seep in and break down the wall I tried so hard to build up. I would think abut the baby's tiny seahorse-looking body, swimming around inside me just waiting to grow its head and its fingers and toes. I thought about seeing clots of it in my underwear after taking an abortion pill. I thought about how he or she would become my closest friend and even though they would hate me at some point like all kids do, they would still love me as hard as I love my parents even though I disappointed them so greatly. I thought about how my child would play with my lips and poke my cheeks and tell me stories of what grandma taught them. How grandpa showed them how to paint or bait a fishing pole and how uncle Roger played basketball with them. I thought of how I was deciding to dissolve their life before they even had the chance to prove what a magnificent human being God was forming them to be right now, inside me. I thought about the fact that they'd never have a chance to play games or feel joy, or experience friendship, and how they'd go back to Heaven never living on this wonderful planet God made for them. And instantly, just like right now as I type this, tears poured from my eyes. The tears that were no where to be found when I was upset at my outcome from the pregnancy tests was suddenly here, when I thought about taking the life of my baby. I thought about all the wonderful people I've met over my 21 years of life and how awful it would've been if their parents were too scared, or selfish and stupid to let them live. Even AJ at work had told me that her dad was a loser who didn't want her and her mom had her any way and she grew up to be a wonderful lady (well sorta…we'll get back to that later) but I just had all these signs telling me not to end the pregnancy. These private back-and-forths with myself happened on and off and then one day, about 3 days before my scheduled abortion-pill consumption, my parents were randomly--and by randomly I mean totally orchestrated by God--watching this documentary on this guy Louis Farrakhan. The election was coming up and my parents wanted to vote Trump but they were a little skeptical mainly because of the bullshit hype the media was trying to force everyone to believe about how worthless he was and how Hilldabeast Clinton was somehow righteous. Anyway, Louis is this preacher guy and my parents weren't totally agree with the guy but he was making excellent points about the politicians and I was completely intrigued by this 2-hr documentary. The wise man went on to talk about awful things about our government that they don't want to admit to doing when all of sudden he brings up abortion. If I didn't know God I'd wonder why or how on earth this could be playing at this moment when I'm just shy of getting my own abortion. No other time in history have my parents ever played anything about this man and they haven't ever since, so I knew God was pulling the strings, making this happen at this very moment. I was retightening my moms SisterLocks when Rev. Farrakhan begins discuss how his mother was going to abort him and attempted to twice. He explained that she was afraid and unsure and didn't want him to be born and so she took a hanger and attempt to kill him inside herself. The hormones I had mixed with the millions of thoughts running around my head and suddenly those same tears that always came when I thought of killing my own baby weld up in the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip hard forcing myself to keep from crying so hard my chest heaved because my mom didn't know at this time and I didn't want her to find out. The man went on to say how he begs mothers-to-be that they hang in there and not make a decision that will be so absolutely awful in the long run. He explained how he is an example of a would-be abortion and how he has influenced and helped the lives of so many people, which he never would've done had his mother aborted him. He listed more powerful influences that had nearly been aborted and said that when he speaks to expectant mothers at seminars, he asks them to lay a hand over their baby inside them now and feel peace, and know that God has a plan for their lives and the lives of their unborn children. I felt so impacted by his speech but still somehow I managed to convince myself that 'That was great but, I can't be a mom. I can't tell my parents what I've done. I just can't" and so I went on to ignore Farrakhan's--and God's, to be honest---words and I proceeded with the scheduled abortion. The next day, I spoke with my sister and told her what I'd planned do but I spun it like I had already done it. She told me that it was going to be okay but she explained how she really wished I had talked to her before going through with it. Deep down I just realized all these people, friends, family randoms on TV were all saying Do Not get this abortion but still somehow I just felt like I was NOT going to be able to go through with a pregnancy. I think the real issue was that I really just felt afraid and inconvenienced. I was ashamed that my bad decisions were going to be aired out for everyone to see and I was scared that for the rest of my life I would now have to provide for another person. I wanted to just go back to before I ever slept with Eric but it was too late. I was now facing two extremely hard choices. Do I keep the baby and deal with the disappointment and disgust of friends and family, raise a child with no father and set aside my goals for the sake of my baby? Or do I get an abortion, live with knowing that I could've had a wonderful child but I'll never know now because I killed it, go on living like a stupid whore with no morals and has now added abortion to her list of horrible choices and then have kids one day with a man and accept that I basically said these kids are worthy of receiving life because they were planned but not my first born? So, I contemplated for hours on end and the next day I spilled the truth to my sister. I told her that  everything I'd said about getting an abortion was a lie. I told her I was still thinking about it and how afraid I was to tell our parents. My sister told me first of all to stop lying and second, very bluntly, she said deal with it. Those were literally her words. I was upset but really I knew she was right. She continued on to say "Who cares if you're scared? You weren't scared to sneak out and lay down under homeboy, you weren't scared to not take the pill for 3 days, now you want to be scared? Why?" I started to let this ponder. My sister, Wesley, went on saying "Look, I realize you've done something bad but you don't have to make it worse by taking this kid's life. Things will be fine. How? I don't know, and I don't know how soon either, but in the end God will plan everything out the way it was supposed to go". I wanted to cry at this revelation. I knew all her words were truth. So, that weekend, since my sister had planned to come down and stay with us anyway, I decided would be a great time to tell my parents. I called Planned Parenthood the next day and cancelled my appointment and then I told Eric that I wasn't going to kill his problems for him. He was angry but mostly the childish immaturity brooding deeply inside him began to surface and his fear of being caught started to run rampant. I could tell more than angry he was just scared that now his girlfriend would know what he'd been up to while she and their baby were away. I really couldn't care less about his feelings at this point. My anger for his burning desire to murder my child was infuriating and the insult to injury was doubled when he expressed his total lack of desire to ever meet his son or daughter. "I already have a kid. I don't want to be a father to anyone else" he text me. Well that's too frickin' bad ain't it asshole? I felt so disgusted especially in myself for ever having sex with such a bottom feeder. I felt unclean and evil and thinking of how I let him touch me and kiss me made me sick to my stomach. So, anyway.
Later on I broke the news to my parents. First to my mother who semi-cried and seemed extremely disgusted in me. She whined and begged me to be joking but sadly it was all the truth. My sister piped in over-enthusiastically saying how God gives life and this is happening for a good reason so don't judge her! But I realized this was not a good time for truth serum and that maybe we should just let my mom be hurt and angry for a while. To this day my mom still seems upset by the idea. She was honestly questioning me on why I didn't get the abortion when I first told her and that hurt me really bad. I thought for sure Mother Teresa would be upset but would never suggest I get an abortion but there she was, asking if it was too late to get one. I just brushed off her negativity, but the thought has always lingered in my mind: Am I doing the best thing for myself and everyone else? Should I do it? But as the months roll by, the baby grows and grows and the more the idea of abortion sounds wicked and traumatizing. Not to mention the fact that my sister is right, God really does give life and there's a reason my baby is on it's way. So I ignore my mom every time she sighs or looks at me in disbelief. Yes mom, I did the wrong thing. I had sex and I wasn't married, I wasn't even dating the guy. Yes, he's a loser that wants nothing to do with his child. I'm sorry that I have done such a stupid thing but I can't do anything to change it now. All I can do now is trust that God has a plan to help me and this baby and move forward. I told my Dad a few days after my Mom. My heart was racing and I wanted to wait a little longer but my Mom was basically forcing me into it. She would mouth "TELL HIM" right as he would turn around and he knew something was up. I kind of hated my Mom for doing that to me, but I realized I would have to spill the beans eventually so I quietly started to confess. "Dad…" I breathed. "Listen. I know you taught me to wait until marriage to have sex but I didn't ok. I had sex and… I had sex and I got pregnant." My Dad stared at me blankly, worry slightly in the middle of his eyebrows.
"I know I've done a horrible thing but Wesley says I can move in with her and Daniel if I need a place to stay. I just want you to know I won't be burdening you with this baby. I'm going to provide for it and take care of it and I won't make you pay for a thing." My Dad sighed and shook his head. He held it down for a few beats and for a minute the heavy pull of tears gathered in my throat. I fought the urge to beg for his forgiveness and suddenly my Dad looked up. "Well, I'm a little hurt, actually a lot hurt that everything your mother and I taught you you just completely crapped on but… I'm proud of you for not getting an abortion. You did the right thing." I suddenly felt a glimmer of hope. "You're not going to get kicked out. Your mother and I will be there to help you through this, but you're damn right about providing for your baby. We won't be this child's parents you will be. You will be concerning yourself with this child, so forget parties, and sleepovers and weekends in Austin, you'll be right here everyday with this baby until they're old enough to go to college." I didn't care if my Dad yelled at me or wouldn't let me say anything. His response was so assuring and so comforting that all I could do was hide a smile. I didn't want him to think I was being smug so I just stayed silent but I was so ecstatic that he wasn't trying to disown me. I was surprised he didn't react like my mom. He was calm and I could tell he was hurt and angry but he wasn't mad, he was just lost. My mom was acting disgusted in me even though she knew I wasn't even a virgin. My dad who thought this whole time that I was was acting totally collected and accepting. My Dad showed me that everything would be alright and that's how I've felt ever since. The devil definitely wants to scare me every now and then and coerce me into believing that I'm going to fail, that I won't be able to support this baby and that they will probably hate me since I conceived them out of lust and arrogance rather than out of love and commitment like other parents. But I drown out those thoughts with the Word of God and with the positivity of my friends and family. My mom is coming around and she's been helpful giving me books on pregnancy and telling me I can do all things but I know she still kind of hates me deep down, or at least hates my decisions.
So, now it's been 3 months since everything happened. I am totally at peace with my decision and I even bought an adorable antique crib for the baby. I bought a smaller bed for my room so that I have more room for a rocking chair and a changing table and I'm deciding on new color choices for my room. The baby is the size of an Apple right now and I'm so happy they're doing alright. I've enrolled for school and I'll be a full time student come January 17th. I have a long list of names for both a boy and a girl and I can't really decide on any of them. I haven't had any issues with food or keeping it down. The baby eats whatever I want and doesn't reject it at all. It's not a big fan of sweets though because my beloved KitKats and Twix are so repulsive right now. The baby mainly likes salt and vinegar foods. Anything with garlic and onion or cheese. It doesn't like citrus but it's in love with my mother's garden salads. I feel so blessed to be carrying this baby and I'm so excited to see what they will look like. I don't mind if they look like Eric, he's pretty handsome after all. I hope if it's a girl she gets my lips and Eric's dimple. I hope her hair is raven colored like Eric's but I hope her eyes are huge like mine. If it's a boy I hope he gets my family's athletic build. I hope his hair is either like Eric's or a mixture of both of our hair. I hope he gets Eric's lips because when he smiles his lips fold downward a bit and it's the sweetest thing you'll ever see. I hope he's smarter than both of us. God I pray for that. Neither Eric nor I deserve a Gold Star and I hope this baby is smarter than the two of us combined.
I have 6 months until I give birth and I'm completely nervous, anxious and excited all wrapped in one. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone but I'm not entirely concerned about it. I know this baby will be my biggest accomplishment in life and I'm just excited to do my best at giving it a happy life with God as my guide. Anyway guys, I'm going to go return some shoes and get my nails done. I hope you all enjoyed this 6-hour story of how I fell pregnant at 21 and my journey through it all. I think I finally have something to talk about on youtube. Lol. Until the next time…

Please, Pink Responsibly. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

WELL WELL WELL

Okay

I’m gonna continue to fake type for a few more minutes and make my boss think I’m actually working lmao. I’m so bored dude and I keep trying to remind myself that I’ve only got like 3 hours left but I wanna cry tbh I’m like someone kill me x’C It’s so dead right now and I wish the bosses wife had gone to costa rica with him because she’s just sitting in her office behind me doing practically nothing. I’m like omg GO HOME there’s literally no one here, no one is coming in today like I don’t understand why you need to be here. Just let me answer the phones and draw and eat my apple until 5:30p rolls around and I can lock this place up and go home! The other bummer is I have to wait ‘til 6:30p. Yea in theory I’d be locking this place up at 5:30 but, in reality, I need to pick my mom up from UTSA at 7:15 so I have to kill time somewhere and I guess why not do it here yknow? There’s food and a couch so if Anya would gtfh I can kick my feet up and watch some Netflix on my laptop until 6:30 rolls around and then I’ll head out to get my mom. Every time I get there she’s literally still not out of the building and I end up parking in some awkward spot right in front of the building while everyone walks past my car awkwardly acting as if I’m about to run them over. I’m like bro calm down. LMAO.

*UPDATE* 12/30/2016
So guys, LOT has happened since we last spoke and there's something I never told you…
 I’m having a baby in July. I know. I know WHAT THE ACTUAL F. Me, Sister Christian, always preaching about waiting until marriage and doing what God calls you to do went and got herself knocked up. Yup. I laid my morals down *pun completely intended* and I slept with an old "friend" from my Dual-Credits days back at community college. I KNOW. Cue the ironic laughter. And, yknow, if that weren’t enough frosting for you, get this; homeboy’s a total deadbeat that doesn’t want to have anything to do with me or the baby. Maybe it’s because he knows he can’t afford it, or MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE HAS A 3-MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Yea. He cheated on his section-8 girlfriend and the poor soul decided to defend him even after finding out he denied her and their daughter's existence. Cliché as fuck or what. LOL Yup turns out the “ex-girlfriend” he “broke up with and had nothing in common with anymore” is actually his current girlfriend who was just out of town visiting her mom. Turns out also that “her baby” is actually THEIR BABY. The guy is a total liar and I don’t want my future son or daughter knowing anything about him. If they ask I’ll confess of course but if I can help it I’ll never mention this guy so long as I live. The main garbage thing about all this is that it all could’ve been prevented. He wouldn’t buy me the pill until like 3 days after we’d had a ton of unprotected sex and then when I found out I was pregnant he tried to force me into abortion. 

Anyway, I think I'll make a post right after I finish this explaining the long story that has been the last couple of months since I found out I was expecting but until then let me just say, life has been wild.
It's 2017 in two days and I never thought I'd turn 22 as a mom. I never thought I'd let my foolish irresponsibility get me to a point where I'd be responsible for the life of someone else for the rest of my existence but guys I'm actually so so excited. I am nervous and anxious and I have no idea how the next 18 years of life are going to be but I am so excited to meet my precious angel. I think about this baby so often and I've already bought an adorable antique crib for them. It's been 3 months now and the baby is growing strong inside of me. They love pickles and french fries and they haven't given me a single problem the whole time. I've experienced absolutely no morning sickness, pain, fatigue nothing. Just a happy experience while I grow God's little seed. Anyway guys, I think I'll write that separate post now. I hope you all are having a wonderful end of the year and I hope there are many wonderful things to come in the new year for you! Until next time…

Please, pink responsibly. 

Saturday, October 22, 2016

It's Getting Kind of Hectic - At The Office pt. 5

MORNIIIINNNNGGG ! 

    At least, for me it is. It's Saturday which means I get a few extra hours to sleep! Sort of. I woke up at 6am this morning, like I do for work. I tried to go back to bed but then I realized I had like 100,000 things to do. First of all my boss has me running around scrambling to complete a thousand tasks. I feel like I'm completely screwing up because there are at least 3 things I have left on plate at the end of the day that I didn't finish when I should've. I feel like I might be talking to much instead of progressing and it's not good. I want to do a good job at this place because the money is decent and I get along well with the staff. There's nothing that makes me breakout more than stress from being in a place I hate. 
 This place is really chill and the people are genuinely great. I get along with literally everyone and in  regards to the few mindless followers; they don't cause any problems right now so I don't worry. It's October right now and AJ and I have been discussing different ideas for the holidays. It feels good to have someone want to do that with me. Normally it's just me wanting to decorate by myself while everyone else gawks like I'm some foreign exchange student from Nova Scotia, but AJ thinks the idea of decorating is fun and exciting and I feel totally capable of being my hyper-fashion-sensitive self around her. Even just yesterday, AJ walks out of the break room with this vibrant floral lunch pail and an excited smile spread across my lips. "Vera Bradley?" I asked and the sweetest giggle jumped out of AJ. 

"Yea!" She conceded and I was so happy she cared at least a little about brands. Sutra was straddling a chair in front of me and he shook his head at the two of us like we were naive school girls. I didn't mind, minutes earlier he'd given me some book on silly evolution theories but I was so happy to get it. I slid my fingers down it's rough spine while it was sitting on the top of his supply cabinet. "You like to read? You should borrow that one." he chirped. I reached for it and grazed the cover with my fingers. For a while he went on about scientists discovering interesting things collected from aquatic monkey shit. I bit the inside of my cheek, compelling myself not to roll my eyes at the outlandish tales and it was easy to distract myself because Sutra was wearing an amazing pair of jeans that pressed against his thighs and calves so perfectly. I didn't tell him that I believe evolution is a joke, or that I'm a Christian or that I think I want to move in on him, instead I clutched the book tightly to my chest and nodded dutifully then backed out of the room as gracefully as I could muster. By now both my coworkers know I have a thing for Sutra. They think it's hilarious and I wish I could laugh too but instead I'm busy drooling over him. I try to act nonchalant especially since he's 15 years older than me and has a tendency to treat me like I'm a toddler. I try to remain calm, remember not to talk so much and leave when it's appropriate. Sometimes Sutra asks me pointedly to "leave the door open" if I walk into his office and it irritates me like nothing else. He tries to overload me with work but I don't hate him for it, I just don't like working. Whenever I get the chance I look at him in a way that will hopefully get to him but then I realize he's so nice I really don't want to being some seductive vixen. In lighter news, A was dressed so sexily yesterday. Her body is such perfect engineering it makes me unsure of myself, and her loose blonde hair is always styled in a cute top knot or bun. She clunks in her heels which leads me to believe she's never learned to properly lock her knees but she makes up for it with that adorable Russian accent and pouty set of lips. I don't feel competition just admiration, and her husband The Boss, shows her off like the euroBarbie she is. I aspire to be that thin. 
Instead,
 my chunks fill my high waist American Apparel denim jeans like frosting in a bag and sometimes I feel like a Kevin Gates music video extra. I find myself tugging at my skin, stuffing it into my jeans hoping I don't look like a total slut. I get complimented a lot so I tell myself it's just me, but sometimes it's a little vexing. 

Luigi brings great entertainment to the office and I end up spending the day filing, typing making calls, designing and joking back and forth with him and AJ. Right now The Boss needs a new order of business cards and I'm in charge of the full process from Design to Print. I feel excited and I'm not too concerned over it because I've designed and ordered products for a company before. The woman, however, at the printing company is giving me this long spiel about how it will take at least 4 days and we can't print the coating on that thick of a card and blah blah blah. I want to shake her and tell her she'd better make it happen or The Boss will have my head but she probably wouldn't move any faster. Anyway, now it's Saturday, and in between emailing and texting the Printer lady and The Boss and Sutra--trying to coordinate the card thing--I'm also planning to take my sibling out around town. 

Maybe eat somewhere in La Cantera and then try on Halloween Costumes at Spirit. My mum's birthday is today and we plan on going to get the rest of her birthday presents today as well, while she's out at a wine vineyard with her friend. I hope she doesn't splurge all of her BDay money on wine, but knowing my mom she might come close. My dad's batshit attitude has cooled down and he's even helped pitch in financially for my mum's special day. I'm so happy the waves have died down for now, and I feel like everyday is more and more blessed. Just yesterday (after work) I even got Chipotle which I'd been craving for Weeks and I even opted out of buying weed. I feel like I'm maturing a little bit and now I also have money so I can start treating my family to the finer things again! Right now life is looking brighter, and my sad days of unemployment are gone. I'm thankful that I'm here and I'm excited for what the future holds and what more will come of my time At The Office. Until the next adventure…


*Please, Pink Responsibly.

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Bizarre - At The Office pt. 4

Good evening everyone.

    Today the bizarre took place.
I'm not sure what it was about today but it was weird. I went in this morning all bright-eyed and fresh-faced ready to start my Monday right. I was so hoping someone would bring pastries of some form because I skipped breakfast (per usual) and I was starting to regret it. I don't know if it has to do with the Plan B I took after messing around with TrashBucketBoy but something had had my appetite in rare form. I was super hungry this morning and I was thinking about how I really should've scarfed down some cereal when I got the feeling everything would be ok. Suddenly, with supernatural result, one of The Salesman from work brought in a box of donuts for The Salesman Staff meeting. I gleamed when the sugary smell of glaze wafted around the small office space and I knew I had to have one. Three donuts later and I was content at my desk, self-consciously tugging at the hem of my too-short skirt and typing obnoxiously fast for an email. That's when the first bizarro thing took place. The meeting was in full swing when all of sudden Sutra started to get agitated at one of The Salesman, who we're going to refer to as Sultan. Sultan was allegedly fingering the keypad of his phone and completely ignoring Sutra while he gave lecture. Sultan was known for this move but Sutra usually kept his cool. All of a sudden, as I'm innocently typing a note in one of the client's online folders, I hear Sutra stop his sentence mid-word and belt out "Do you really need to do that right now? I'm speaking and you blatantly brushing me off by texting is really insulting". I stared uncomfortably into my computer screen, pretending to click links while the room grew quiet. There were about 4 other Salesmen in the room and they all stayed silent too; gawking incessantly at the awkward outburst. AJ came in from her front desk to help my officemate (who we'll assign with the alias Luigi) with some paperwork and even she ended up desperately fiddling with random files in order to ignore the tension. Sultan's masculinity was challenged and he petulantly went back and forth with Sutra until his pride consumed him and he stormed out of the room. We all remained stagnant as I silently fantasized about Sutra raising his sexy voice at me. I want to kiss him. I wanted to laugh at the roasting but instead I continued as a dutiful slave and finished typing my email. Sutra apologized for the carnage and continued his lecture. The remaining Salesmen leaned in to gather as much knowledge as they could from Master Sutra and he covertly reveled in the fact that he knew more on the subject than they did. I rolled my eyes at his pretentiousness but I slightly loved him for it. After a long while of him discussing the Blah times the This times the That of Those equals Something or Other my mind caught a few buzzwords he'd mentioned and I began to jot them down. Azimuth is the only one that I remember as I write this and so I Googled the definition while he was busy teaching. I knew, eventually, I would have the opportunity to bring up my newly studied word and I knew it would please Sutra to believe that I cared for such a topic. My feeling was right and, somewhere between the 30-35 min. mark of their 7-hour meeting one of The Salesman decided to apologize to me for invading my office space (which doubles as the conference room) for so long. "It's fine" I smiled bashfully, "I'm actually learning a few things…". Sutra looked up from his notes and gazed in my direction; his wild mane tied back into a low knot. "Oh yeah? Like what?" He breathed, a sweet hopeful grin spread across his lips causing the corners of his eyes to crease slightly which turned my knees into cooked spaghetti. 
"Oh you know, like, Azimuth ?" I pronounced demurely even though I was absolutely certain I'd pronounced it right.
Sutra's Crest White teeth sparkled and a look of satisfaction and infatuation danced in his eyes.

 I wanted to pull at my skirt again for him, but instead I smiled shyly and quickly swiveled my chair around to face my desk again. 
Now, there was a TV monitor all the guys were using to review crap for the meeting for and it was plugged into the wall right beside Luigi's desk. There were apparently no available extension cords and there were also no outlets close enough to use either, so one of The Salesmen plugged it stretching across the room into Luigi's wall outlet. This caused the cord to stretch relatively taught from the wall to the back of the TV which in turn forced everyone walking back and forth, in and out of the room, to take huge--literally knee-to-chest--steps over it in order to 1) avoid absolutely eating dirt due to tripping and 2) abstain from ripping the connection from the TV. Luigi clomped over it and AJ did the same, awkwardly landing each foot over the cord. When it came time for me to step over I--being the complete over-thinker that I am--decided it wasn't enough to try and gracefully swing each leg over but instead to do it in the most Fran-Drescher-esque way possible, complete with little hands up and a sweet little *Oof!* every now and again for effect. The Salesmen ate it like Christmas Ham and I knew I was exciting Sutra in the process. I think Sutra wants to stay away from me sometimes, to be truthful. He's afraid of himself and I feel the same way about my own personality. I don't want Sutra to jeopardize his marriage and I certainly don't want to be with a married guy but My God the man is perfect. Anyway, sidebar over. The next time I had to step over I was coming back into the office, trying to reach my desk. Sutra--and the other Salesmen, evidentially all--enjoyed watching me exit the room, with one heeled foot landing over the cord burlesque-style then the other. But I did it slowly for Sutra. He was the reason for the show. When I came back, I began again, keeping my arms up by my side like a Disney Princess and attempting to toss one leg over the cord. When I'd successfully reached the other side I heard a garbled teasing-laugh from Sutra. I looked up quickly and saw him, studying me, my body, the length of my Hindu-oiled legs. I wanted him to like it and I know that he did. Today, Sutra was also wearing a pair of form fitting jeans. Medium/Dark wash and they held his ass so well. I'd never seen Sutra in denim before and I was so happy when I did. Sutra paired his denims with brown leather boots and a basic small-print plaid button-up with the sleeves messily pushed up. A few of the top buttons on his shirt were left undone and I could see small wisps of hair on his chest. Normally this would make me gag, but for Sutra, it added to his earth-god persona. Sometime's Sutra seems to flirt with me, and say little things to make me feel like it's not just me wanting him so badly and yet all the same he acts like I'm his lesbian-cousin/business partner. I think he catches himself dreaming of inappropriate things he'd love to whisper to me someday and it scares him. He thinks 'I'm getting way too friendly with this girl I need to chill' and so in one instantly his warm glow will become rigid and cold. I want to touch Sutra in a few areas, like the small of his back, the arch of his nasal bone and the back of his neck. When I touch the back of his neck I want it to be with all five fingers, wrapping gently around the shaved hair beneath his long knots and pulling his mouth onto mine. I dream of his Yoga-toned chest, with it's adornment of hair and sculpted biceps hovering over a skillet as he prepares a vegetarian breakfast for the two of us. 

I can see his wild locks draping over his bare chest and shoulders as he tries to make a joke out of a boring topic like Photons and Tax Credit reduction.

 I'm not sure how healthy it is for me to work around him but I've no other choice at the moment. So, in any matter, my day goes by and I keep myself occupied with tasks, hoping I don't tremor with desire for my Practically-Boss when the next totally bizarre thing took place. So, 2:45 or so rolls around and I'm nearing the end of my lunch break. I was finishing up my home-packed salad and sweetly flirting with a young Salesmen boy we'll call Red. He was entertaining enough and had a heavenly-sculpted nose. I wasted the rest of my break away giggling and playfully taunting Red, all the while wishing it was Sutra instead, when AJ walks by me. Her perfect chest aptly bouncing in her modest teal business-casual blouse and her unflattering 3-inch black pointed pumps patting against the flat office-carpet. I looked up and we exchanged pleasant smiles and she continued on to her desk. Red and I wrapped up our banter, I punched back in on my TimeCard and proceeded to my desk for my final few hours of work. After about 25 minutes the salad, the donuts, the 4 glasses of water and the 3 cups of coffee I'd downed began to churn away in my bowels. I felt a movement coming so I stood in the most ladylike-but-still-need-to-shit way I could and excused myself. When I walked to the front I noticed AJ's computer monitor was shut off and her purse was gone. All her files were put away but her Coffee Thermos was still there. I questioned her location but nature's call was more important. When I grabbed the bathroom key I thought, Hmm, if the key is here, AJ must not be in the restroom? I clicked down the glossy stone stairs and into the next Suite where the bathroom was located down a hall. When I came upon the door I saw that it was locked and the light and fan were on. If the shit wasn't already bubbling in my intestine it was now. I paused, unsure of what was happening so I went back and discussed my findings with Luigi. At this rate The Boss' wife A was already aware of AJ's sudden departure and she was just as confused as the rest of us. Luigi explained how A was clearly not happy with the surprise and had attempted to reach AJ 3 or 4 times with no response. I began to panic and Luigi suggested I see if AJ was passed out on the toilet or something. I clicked back down the stairs, down the hall to the restroom again this time knocking loudly and repeatedly to try and wake AJ if she really were knocked out. When I didn't hear any noise I crouched down on my hands and knees and peaked under the slit of the door. There were no feet, no hands not body at all. I decided to take care of my own intestinal situation and then came back into the office. AJ had not retuned and at this point no one could get a hold of her through text, call email or anything. When Sutra saw the worry in my brow he bit a small piece of his bottom lip then reached down and tapped his phone screen to life.  "Here, look" he calmly said placing the device gently into my palms. "I text her, and now we'll just wait to see what she says. I'm sure it was an emergency with her kid, everything's fine." I didn't care that badly about what had happened to AJ because her car was gone which indicated to me that she may have just cracked and quit but Sutra was being so attentive to my mood that I squeezed the "I'm scared, hold me!" card of every last drop. Sutra's intuition was somehow on-the-nose because 15 minutes later, AJ texts back saying exactly Sutra's prediction--that there was an emergency with her kid. The stranger things began to die down after we discovered AJ's location, but Luigi continued to fill my mind with conspiracies that pertained to the previous events. "Why would she leave without notifying a single soul?! Why would she need to rush and pick up her kid from  daycare at 3 o clock when DayCare Centers don't close until 5 or 6? How come no one could get a hold of her not even A??" All these questions--which were already prevalent in my mind--began ringing louder as Luigi pressed on. Finally Sutra told me to continue working and not worry about what happens when/if AJ ever comes back. I obeyed him and the rest of my day was peaceful and smooth. Now it's midnight and I'm off to dreamland again before the rooster crows at 6am. I haven't decided what I'll wear yet and I haven't figured out how I'll handle the possibility of a new replacement for AJ or possibly being her replacement myself. I don't want to think about that, in all honesty, right now. I really like AJ she's nice and patient with me and makes me laugh hysterically. She's not fake from what I've seen and she seems to really know the business. I hope everything can be settled with her but if something else happens, of course you'll be the first to know. So, as we come to the conclusion of today's steamy mystery we find ourselves asking the ultimate questions. Will Erica get her chance at an illicit closet-romance with her eco-friendly sorta-boss Sutra? Is Sutra really even heterosexual? Will there ever be a work environment I'm in where the men salivate over a chocolate bunny like myself? Will AJ be back or is she gone for good? What exactly happened today??! ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE ANSWERED (hopefully) next time on AT THE OFFICE: A TRUE STORY. And, until then of course, 

*Please, Pink Responsibly.

cheers
x

Saturday, October 15, 2016

My Hourly Rant - At The Office pt. 3

Hi everyone,

   It's Saturday and I've now officially completed my first week of work.
Things are getting a little more comfortable in the office, and whether or not that's a good thing I've not fully decided yet. Sutra's surfer-body is still in perfect form and just yesterday he was making a little joke about not being sure whether or not I felt comfortable closing the door with just the two of us in his office. Of course I'm freaking comfortable. I'm more than comfortable I'm so so so much more than comfortable Sutra. It's weird though, I saw his Facebook--and this is kind of a side bar but--the guy really Really doesn't seem straight. Seriously. He keeps mentioning how he has a wife and he has a ton of pictures of the two of them on his FB but, IMO, that girl is just his beard. I'm sorry and God Knows I want him to be straight for all intents and purposes but I really, Really don't know if he is. The first clue points at the fact that this guy is seriously a sex god yet his wife is like my left ankle. Maybe he's not as sexy as I'm thinking and I'm just in awe because of his hair, smile, brilliant mind and persona. Maybe--and judging by his older photos (like circa 2009 Myspace type shit) he very well could be considered average. So maybe I'm just beefing him up too high but honestly when I look at Sutra I see he and I having gorgeous long-haired little boys together. I picture him with a total knockout and not that I'm saying I'm that knockout but just saying he looks like he married down. I don't know I hate to sound like a jerk, and I don't want to insult Sutra's fine ass or his wife but she seriously looks like his ugly older sister and not like the sex goddess she should be. The second red flag for me was the fact that Sutra's FB pics showed off that the guy is really into dressing up in girly shit or wearing costume makeup, but often, and posing with his hands on his hips and/or with a leg cocked to one side like some little diva. It's really gay and I hope no one is offended by that comment but seriously I've had enough gay friends in my lifetime to know when a guy is--or at least knows he is but hasn't admitted that he is--gay. Who knows? Sutra may be in a position where his family wouldn't accept him or his friends would be surprised. He may have just lived a metrosexual life his entire time on earth and everyone would be shocked to find out a different truth. Maybe he does it to protect himself but perhaps he's not gay at all. I mention that because I'm coming on my third and final clue which is that the guy's old FB pics kinda indicate that maybe he was just a dork. He had some images of himself as a younger dude like High School - Early College and he's seriously wearing like a fedora and black fingerless gloves. I know, #StabMe. There's nothing more that screams Hot Topic-Loitering, Emotional Dork like black fingerless gloves. He even mentioned to me--and I'm just now remembering this--at work the other day how he liked to write in cursive because it looked better in a journal. My first thought was "OMG lie with me now; you keep a journal?! You're so deep marry me pls I need you" HAHAHA. But now as I've looked at his FB and have already had my suspicions I'm starting to wonder like, really though what guy actually journals? That's really not something dudes do, honestly because they usually just don't care. They don't feel deep enough emotions to write them down so it's kind of like…Hmmmmmm… I don't honestly know how I feel about the whole thing. I want Sutra to be straight so badly it stings. I also want him to be single, and living in my room. Then again, on the long list of things I want and still haven't had yet he's not at the top. OMG I just thought of the fact that Sutra said that to me just the other day. In his sexy playful voice he said something in response to what I was saying and it was like "Really? Hm, you seem like the kind of girl who always gets what she wants" Innuendo?! I HOPE SO! GOD I HOPE SO (۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ I so hope that was an underlying little joke meaning "You always get what you want so I bet you can get me if you really wanted to even though I'm taken. LOL. Am I evil? I don't wanna be. I really don't. I just want to be a normal girl sometimes--rarely, but sometimes nonetheless--who meets an average dork at community college and we both strive to get higher management positions at our garbage day jobs, getting pregnant after a couple smooth years of agreeable marriage and then stay together until death because no one else would want us. Lots of people do that! Hell my own mother and older sister did that! My best friends parents and most of my relatives too! But I can't. It's just not me. A lot of people ask me if I'm seeing someone or dating or in a relationship or married and the answer's always the same. Nope. Never had a serious boyfriend, in fact the last time I had a boyfriend I was 12. Never been serious with any guy ever. Why? Never found one worth my time. The hot ones are either vapid, arrogant, mean or a disturbing combination of the three. The ugly ones are ugly which, #SorryNotSorry, but I can't put up with you just because you cherish me and shower me with gifts and affection if you look like a knee. So, here I am, 21 years old, never had a boyfriend, only had a couple steamy novella-worthy sexcapades and I couldn't be more content. Now, listen, I would be lying if I said I was completely happy. I don't want to be alone when I'm 45, I'd like to have a husband and a few kids someday. I don't want to be some flirtatious vixen my whole life I'd like to be a cute homemaker one day but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm only 21 and I'm okay with waiting to be honest. I still feel like partying and smoking and lightly-drinking so I guess I'm not entirely ready for all that and maybe God knows that and so he's putting work and acting in my path instead of guys. Honestly seeing my parents and my sister and brother-in-law & the other couples I just mentioned I don't know if I ever want a relationship. My sister and my mom prove what a needy ignorant female can look like and I don't wanna do that to myself. My mom gets treated like shit and she would still probably never leave my dad. She needs him. She's a complete vegetable without him and it's absolutely embarrassing. My sister thinks marriage is sunshine and rainbows 24/7 because she's been married to some geek for basically 2 and half hours. She keeps trying to council my parents and be like "Oh Mom, you just need to write down what it is you want out of your marriage and then you'll get it!" I'm like…Bitch. Do you really fucking believe that. Do you REALLY think that all mom needs to do is write down her marriage goals and *blinggg* Dad will stop being a demonically-possessed cock-sucking asshole? HAHAHAHAH I'm DEADD. My parents marriage is garbage and it has been for so long. I don't know that it was ever positive. My mom was a desperate loser who'd been cheated on by most of her boyfriends and my dad was a mental-abused dork who's dad left his mom when he was 8. They were both pathetic when they met and they got married in their 20s most likely because they just liked having sex with each other and now, 32 years later, my mom is fat, balding and constantly enduring verbal/mental torture while my dad is an old, ugly, lazy, bitter piece of shit. I think the two of them would be better off dead and to be blatantly truthful my and my siblings lives would be so much more peaceful without them in it. They drain us of all spiritual peace with their constant arguments and negativity. My siblings hate their lives and it hurts me to see the depressed expressions always on their face. So, long story semi-shortened, I don't think I necessarily ever want to be married. It seems like your whole life turns to a pile of steaming shit and I'm not into it. Maybe that's the real reason I haven't committed to anyone; because my subconscious mind knows I would be utterly depressed if I ever became tied down. I mean hell I have fooled around with married guys, single guys, guys who said they didn't wanna cheat on their girlfriends etc. etc. and I've just noticed that people are too messed up to be good all the time. Could we? Absolutely, I think God makes it possible to always do what's right, but are we going to? HAHAHHA. Doubt it. Anyway, Sutra might be gay, maybe he's just flamboyant and unhappy in his weird more-like-a-friendship marriage and wants to experience something new. Maybe I can be that something new for him. Maybe I'll just mind my business and keep my head down at work and steer clear of Sutra altogether. Maybe. But probably not. I want to touch him. I want to so badly. Even just once. Even if he'd just kiss me and we'd never have to tell anyone. UGH. WHY GOD. On another note, work overall is pretty good. I really love who I work with, everyone is hilarious like me and no one has a stiff, rod-up-the-ass attitude like some employees do. We all joke and laugh and when the owner's are out we're steady laughing and playing around--still doing work--but ultimately having a good time. I put up some cute Halloween decorations too and The Boss thought they were adorable. He loved the creativity and he's even partnered me and Sutra together--bless his heart--to work as the creative department for the company. I'm focusing on writing papers and designing logos right now and it really makes me feel like I'm finally utilizing my skill set at work. It's not just boring cold-calls and filing it's actual work that keeps me busy and challenges me and sparks my interest in a weird way that I never thought could. Sutra being there is Frosting on a moist angel food cake and on top of all that heavenly goodness I also get to wear cute adorable outfits to work like heels and short skirts and they don't get all weird and the other girls in the office dress the same so I don't have to worry about being the only female in the room dressed a little saucily. All in all I hope to God I never lose this job. It makes me happy and it keeps me away from hell aka my home. I hope things get easier for me with Sutra, I hope I stop wanting The Unknown all the time and just learn to be happy with what I've got. Until that day comes, I'll be dreaming of the inappropriate things I'd whisper to Sutra while he teaches me about photovoltaic rays. I hope you guys are happy with your situations too, I hope you're all progressing and getting better and, until the next steamy story…


*Please, Pink Responsibly. 





Wednesday, October 12, 2016

*the plot thickens* At The Office Pt. 2

hey (੭ ・᷄﹏・᷅)੭ु⁾
   So it's day two of my new job. I feel ok, not completely suicidal. The job is still a Job and it's not at all what I want for myself but, it's money. I'm trying to look on the positive side of things of course. The office is always cozy and nothing like Hunt where there was constant foot-traffic and unbearable temperature conditions. I remember one of my associates JMorgan was always sweating like a hog and we'd always have to keep the temp on 20 degrees below frozen so his ass wouldn't keel over. I'm not particularly thick so body heat isn't something I've got to spare. I was always shivering with like 6 jackets and he didn't seem to mind, and of course all the other flunkies acted like they were too afraid to wake the sleeping giant when it came to touching the thermo or something. I honestly resented them for that. Anyway at this new place they don't hassle me and no one acts like I'm a monkey even though 89% of the time I feel like I'm fumbling over the same thing. Sutra comes in every day. (you can read about him here). Apparently he lives in the sister city of mine. Every time I want to focus I start to think partially of reaching out and grazing his tangled waves. He behaves kind of obnoxiously and his jeans are always very tight (completely apropos to his city) but he has an excellent set of hands that are almost as grand as his intellectual mind. Although idk… he--and The Boss actually, both--keep pronouncing the word lackadaisical as lacksadaisical and I'm like… 
THERE'S NO S AFTER THE 'LACK' PART.
   But, of course, I really say nothing because y'know I'm not the owner of a cool company or anything so who am I to correct anyone. LOL. I honestly don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. The job occupies my time and I feel good knowing I'm actually involved in this position, not just answering the phone. I like doing this job as far as boring jobs go, but I'm still daydreaming of acting as I direct a phone call or call and find the status of a claim. 

   I dream of Sutra dressing in a tux with that Holy Hair of his spilling over the sharp structure of Armani and standing behind me while I accept a Grammy. My dress is probably a long sleeve creation from Berta and my hair is sleeked back bringing attention to my cheekbones. I see it but then just as suddenly I'm back, wiping non-existent drool from the corner of my mouth and pressing Scan on the Fax Machine. It's a nice place to think about my life. I dream of all the things to come but I don't mind the people really either. Everyone's been nice to me so far, and even the gorgeous Russian A is being sweet. She looks prone to dagger your self esteem just for being inferior to her tall dainty perfection but nope, even she is actually really chill. The Boss, I'm not sure. He really seems all business. Sometimes I see a look of joy in his eyes but mostly it's numbers. Seriously when I look into his face sometimes I feel like I'm seeing those green numbers on like a Matrix code thing just flashing by, continuously moving and updating and rearranging. It's so tiresome. I think he's happy because his wife, A, seems to fall in line for the most part. I think that the two of them really do work together to build more within their business, rather than argue or disagree. Then again, looks can be deceiving…
In any matter, the other people I work with are: The Main Admin. who I'll call Admiral Jenner. I really like AJ. She's been very nice to me so far and has let me ask a million questions whenever needed. She doesn't get easily annoyed or frustrated or act like I should know how to do everything already. She also doesn't seem to mind sharing the whole Admin. role. I'm allegedly known as "Assistant Office Admin." and she's the main. She seems to be chill and not at all territorial like most females try to. The first day I was there she had on this deep-olive little number from Forever21 and I totally swooned. I guessed the brand right away basically because it was too cute to be owned by any other podunk store around these parts. She seemed kinda impressed--or maybe weirded out, idk--that I knew where she'd bought it. She was like *awkward laugh* 'wha? Huh? How did you know!' and I just explained to her what I just told you; too cute…podunk stores…etc etc. She and I get along well and I'm praying it stays this way during the duration of my time with the company. I want to lay w/ Sutra on his yoga mat. Did I mention that? What! See! There those darned thoughts go again!
  
*That feeling when I'm thinking of Sutra
   Stay willy thoughts! Stay! Uggh I'm doing it again. Just as I began to finally fade the garbage memory of TrashBucketBoy another married one comes along looking just as delicious and sweet as the Forbidden Fruit itself. I mean I think he said he has a wife and he's wearing this ring so it's like ugh *knife emoji* *coffin emoji* but… I try to be positive. 

   Sutra offers me raisin cookies and I playfully reject them partially because I don't want to burst out my already too-tight high waist American Apparel denims but mainly because I want to push the flirtatious boundary with him as much as I can before it becomes a matter of HR. Salesboys do it enough with me with no regard for S.H. Suits. But DAMNIT it always has to be the hire ups that are daddy asf. *SIGH* C'est la vie. What can be done? All I can do is take a few extra minutes in the restroom standing in front of the sink telling myself to just be cool. Self-consciously adjusting and readjusting my hair and dress. On a brighter note: At least I'm getting money. I have to remind myself of that constantly and not concern myself with anything else. I try to stay in my own lane but everytime I get hired somewhere this playful little presence in me starts to trot herself out. I start off being quaint, but after the stares, the subtle licking or biting of the lips, the extra effort put into helping or doing something for me starts to settle in. I pick up on it, and I don't think I'm reading wrong signals because it doesn't stop. I don't assume it and then act on it only to be reprimanded or rebuffed, instead I act on it and get confirmation in small ways to keep going. I can tell if a man, in particular, likes something. It's easy to spot the characteristics. They seldom change amongst different males. When I sense it, it's like a pheromone and I have to respond. Then, truthfully, I suppose I don't have to respond, but I like it. I guess I like a few things. Happiness, or excitement. 
Giving someone a warm stare or glazing over them as whole a few times makes a person feel special. 


"Why are they looking at me like that? Is there something on me? Do they like me like…that?" 

Granted, yes, sometimes it can be creepy; 'specially if you really don't like the person back, but if you do--even if you don't know (or didn't think) you did--you'll begin to feel this, this feeling that someone is thinking of you in a deeper way than just on the surface. It's a credible sensation that beats out a lot of others. The second thing I like is power. Not in a psycho Hitler sort of way, but in a sense; the feeling of power rejuvenates the body. They want me. Need me. Want me gone. Want me to come back. Want to slap me or graze their fingers across my mouth. Whatever the desire, it's a sense of control you have in a small part of their existence, and it feels natural. I don't know that I'm not reading too deep into all this stuff, and maybe it's nothing like I say it is, but after the experiences I've had with people, I've come to learn they're fairly easy to comprehend and I take comfort in knowing that. Nevertheless, I hope Sutra keeps taking his hair down and watering his dead cactus-looking plants like the earthy ethnic god he is. I hope he installs his products in my house. LMAO that actually worked so well bc he's like a salesman HAHAHAAHAHHAHA! (◍˃̶ᗜ˂̶◍)ノ”In any matter, that's really all I have for today's juicy drama. Will Erica get the handsome (possibly not even straight) Sutra? Will his hair be as soft and textured as it looks? Can I afford to eat another danish brought to the weekly Staff Meetings? All of these questions and more answered--hopefully--next time on At The Office: A True Story. Until then, everyone keep suicidal thoughts out of your mind, enjoy wherever you are in this weird game of life and remember, most importantly…

*Please, Pink Responsibly.


xx
ERICA

Monday, October 10, 2016

*OMG GOD IS GOOD !!!* At The Office Pt. 1

YOUGUISE!

I got a job!! I GOT A FREAKIN' JOB! 
 
I know, normal Erica really wouldn't care one way or the other but broke-and-begging-my-parents-for-an-allowance-at-21 Erica certainly does. I know you guys may have seen in my previous post YIKES that I really really dreaded interviews and the whole aspect of job hunting but it finally paid off!
It all happened last week Friday. After a night of rendezvousing with a total trash-bucket of a man (he apparently has a daughter and is getting back with his baby mama, LMAO I know how ghetto & cliche) I woke up and got ready for an interview I had at 12:30p. Understand, I reluctantly prepared for this interview because--and I know it's negative but--I have gone to over 20 interviews in the past 7 months all with the promises of a call back or second interview and all turning up nothing but dead-ends and disappointments. I literally felt so depressed; I was running out of my expensive Sephora-purchased makeup and I didn't have the money to replace it let alone waste it on yet another interview. I had just gone to an interview like 2 weeks prior to this one and it had ended with the interview-lady literally saying, and this is a direct quote "Wow, you have thoroughly impressed me, definitely stay close to your phone we should be calling you back for a second interview soon!" all to receive an email the next day saying "Thanks but we picked someone else". I was trying so hard to be professional and I gave a heartfelt appreciative respond email saying "Thank you for your time, hope you have a wonderful week, blahblahblah" but inside I was typing 'Thanks for wasting my time and my gas you stupid bitch'. It was all I could do not to send that message but I fought the urge and sent the polite email instead. I was pretty discouraged after that one and I just felt like what is EVEN the point anymore but I kept sending out resumes and hoping for the best. That's when I got a response. The message came from someone we'll call--for the sake of some privacy--The Boss, and they were asking if I could come in for an interview. I definitely felt that twinge of anger and disinterest because of my previous experiences but I tried to force myself to be okay with it. Plus, I send out about 20 resumes a day and only ever get about 3 callbacks a week so I couldn't really turn this offer down, especially with my parents breathing down my neck every 5 seconds badgering me on whether or not I had a job yet. So, with everything in me, I replied that I could meet and that I'd see them Friday at 12:30p just as requested. Friday morning, I was a little hungover from the night before with TrashBucketBoy. I really didn't want to go to the interview still and thought about blowing it off, but I knew my parents would talk me to death with stupid lectures on why I'm lucky to live for free in their home and nothing sounded as awful as that. Plus I really didn't want to stay with TBB. He is such a garbage dump (and so was his house) that I really didn't want to stay there a second longer so I cleaned up his place, took this cool bottle of Cognac he had and dipped out. I drove to the interview in about 20 minutes and once I parked out front I sat there, staring at the building thinking what if I just drove away? Would it really be so bad? How can I even be sure this isn't another dud interview with the promise of more only to turn up absolutely nothing? I contemplated leaving for a few more minutes but with 12:30 rounding the corner quickly I rolled on some of my Mystic Hindu Perfume, put on my most genuine smile and braved what was to come. When I walked in all I could think about was my irritating parents, constantly nagging and complaining about how I don't help my family or do anything. I wanted this job so badly I could taste it and, when a handsome metro guy walked out, with the most beautiful head of wavy, shiny brown hair and quaintly but warmly greeted me I already felt I could actually stomach this place. This man we're going to refer to as Sutra, and seriously his hair--among other great things--was from the gods. It was long; like mid-back-length and milk chocolate in color. He had mermaid waves in it which could easily put the Wen Hair Commercial models to shame and he was dressed very well. He told me to wait on the black suede couch that was adorned with a single pillow screen printed with a puppy. It wouldn't be my choice of decor but it was still a charming little waiting area. Only a couple seconds after I sat down a gorgeous tall blonde Ukrainian-looking woman with an accent to match came out wearing a form-fitting maroon dress. At first I was like…this job is for a secretarial position right? Because judging by her look I felt like I was on a go-see for Ford Model Management. A, is what we'll call the model-looking woman and she promptly shook my hand and led me to the back office where The Boss was. The Boss was raven-haired man with a chiseled face and slight stubble. He too looked like a model and I really began to feel confused. All three of the people I'd just met were striking in beauty and I thought I was interviewing at a construction company so I was like what? At my old construction-secretary position the people I worked with were literally exactly what you'd expect from construction-office-workers. Frumpy, unkempt, average and (if applicable) married by the skin of their teeth. Everyone except the Vice Presidents of course. They were all gods. But the people I frequently worked around were total 1-4's on a Hot Scale of 1-10. That's kinda how I schmoozed my way through everything, I just showed up looking pretty and everyone seemed to let me get away with things because they were like well she brings us more attention because she's good to look at so who cares. This was NOT the case at this company. I'm not sure if there are more people working there that I just didn't meet but MAN O MAN the people I did meet were all gorgeous. I was like O_O… Oh. So anyway, back to the story… So The Boss firmly shook my hand but quickly returned to scribbling on his papers. He briefly looked up at me and smiled or asked me a few questions while keeping his eyes glued to his computer but he tried to look interested. Noting his body language I felt like I was just another straw in haystack to him; like he had literally interviewed 20 other girls like me that day and was just ready to be done. A sat at an identical desk right beside him. She wore a chic diamond band on her ring-finger and was the only other person in the office where The Boss was which made me wonder if the two were husband and wife. Which would be completely fitting considering the two of them were both stunning. I honestly couldn't believe they were in a line of work that I'd consider boring and ugly. They seemed more like the editors of Vogue or Fashion Week coordinators. I sat on the couch in this office which faced their desks. Like I said The Boss asked standard questions like where I was from and where I went to school but A  did most of the interviewing. She asked my previous job experience and what all I was and wasn't capable of. I answered as well and as honestly as possible but all I could hear in my head was my parents saying "Make sure you tell them you can do anything" and "Don't wear that shirt if it hasn't been ironed or they'll think you're messy". I didn't want to lie to A + The Boss and tell them I was Jesus Christ and could never screw anything up but I didn't want to sound like I wasn't capable of doing what they needed. I've always gone into interviews confident because I'm a very articulate individual and I almost always do research on the company beforehand so I have something to talk about when I go in. My parents, however, have filled my head with worries (whether intentionally or not) because I hadn't gotten any callbacks from all the interviews I was going on and I guess they chalked it up to me not knowing how to correctly approach an interview situation. I told them I knew what I was doing but they were thoroughly convinced it was in some way my fault every time. Because, y'know, it couldn't possibly be that the people were assholes or just looking for someone with a Bachelor's Degree. So while I was being interviewed by A half of me was trying to do my best while the other half was just trying not to screw up. A seemed sort of impressed but I don't know she's European and they don't seem to get as smiley as Americans (or at least from what I've experienced). The Boss smiled a lot but like I said he hardly looked at me and I usually use that as an indicator on whether I'm doing well or not, so i was completely at a loss. I also didn't get to ask the questions I usually ask; y'know the ones that make me sound like I actually did due diligence on finding out more about them, because everything I could think of A already began to say. When I wanted to ask what exactly they Remodeled, she started saying "So our company remodels…" when I thought about saying "What all would I do" she kept talking saying "Anyway, what we'd have you do is…" I felt like all I was doing was nodding like a retard and smiling, every now and then interjecting with a "Right" or an "Yes, exactly". It was horrible and I thought (as pessimistic as it sounds) that they were unimpressed and unexcited with my interview. I kept on smiling and finally A told me "Well, Erica, we like you but we are in the early stages of interviewing so we will let you know sometime next week whether it's a yes or a no." and then she smiled. I thanked her for everything and then I turned to The Boss and smiled at him. That's when The Boss stood from his desk (the first time during the whole time I met him) and smiled widely, literally grinning from ear-to-ear and shook my hand firmly. I prayed to God my hand wasn't too sweaty and I told him "The Boss, it was a pleasure meeting you". Something about saying pleasure makes people feel better than saying it was Nice to meet them, I've noticed. Then I turned to A and told her the same thing. When I was shaking A's hand I could still feel The Boss smiling behind me. I felt happy but I wasn't positive this meant anything. After all I'd been to thousands of interviews where everyone was all smiles and handshakes only to get nothing. Zilch. Nada. So, after our final goodbyes I turned and left the room, pulling the door almost-shut behind me. When I left, I softly called out and said "Bye, Sutra" and I could tell he was smiling because he sort of chuckled and said "Bye!" I wasn't sure he knew it was me saying goodbye and I wasn't confident he remembered what I told him my name was but I felt good knowing I remembered his and I think he was pleased as well. I left feeling very excited and hopeful that i might be considered for the position. When I got in my car I drove away smiling, excited for the possibility and then I went home. When I told my parents they were happy but they just wanted to know when I would hear from them again. I relayed the message A gave me and they replied saying "Ok, well let's just be positive and wait for next Friday". I made myself lunch, hung with the family and then took a nap for 7 hours. I hadn't realized how tired I was from my time with TBB and how I was still a little hungover but once i lied down in bed it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sleeping was a good way for me to pass the time and not listen to my parents yell at me for something so I didn't think about getting up at all. But then, after my 7-hour slumber I rolled over and saw I had some SnapChat messages. I thought they might be from this guy I like (not TBB don't worry) so I grabbed my phone and scrubbed my eyes so my vision would clear up. When I looked closely I realized it wasn't just messages from SnapChat but a missed call and a voicemail! My eyes INSTANTLY cleared and I read the little info beneath the message. My iPhone said "VoiceMail Message: Maybe The Boss" which it does when it recognizes a number but I don't have it saved into my contacts. I LITERALLY JUMPED OUT OF THE COVERS AND GRIPPED MY PHONE FOR DEAR LIFE literally bringing it so close to my face that the glass steamed up from my breath. I slid the message which unlocked my phone and listened to the voicemail. A was telling me  to give her a callback ASAP but didn't say why. I was confused but I was like, is this an offer? I mean WHY ELSE would she need to call me?! I told my parents right away and they said she was probably going to offer me the job. I kept doubting it though asking "Why would she tell me that I definitely wouldn't know 'til next weekend and then call me back on the SAME DAY offering me a job?!" but my parents kept reassuring me saying "I don't know but you're hired". So I went back, called A and left a voicemail. The next day, after I hadn't received a callback from A, I checked my email to see if anything had transpired. That's when I saw an email from The Boss titled Offer. Tears literally welled up in my eyes.
 I clicked it and the message read "Erica, it was nice meeting with you today. We'd like to offer you the position". I actually screamed, then I slammed my laptop shut, jumped up and ran to tell my parents.
They were excited, I was ecstatic and the whole rest of the day was wonderful. Finally, everyone, after 7 long months of unemployment and selling some art here and there but mainly relying on my parents, the horrible journey is over. I have a job; and even though 8 hours of my day is now lost for now and into the foreseeable future, I am working again. I have money now. I have freedom from my irritating-ass mother and father. I can finally start making moves again to save my money and move out! I am so so thankful to God and I am going to do my best to be the absolute best, top-notch employee of the year this company has ever seen. So, get ready everyone. I start my first day tomorrow,  and I'm really stoked for what the day will bring. I might even enjoy this position, who knows! So, until then, everyone have a great day! I hope your life is going ok and I hope you're making moves to get what you want! Until next time everyone, be blessed, give your best and remember,
*Please, Pink Responsibly.

CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE ♡

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