Wednesday, September 21, 2016

DesuDesu ! ₍ฅᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢฅ₎*・゚。


 I may be feeling slightly less pessimistic today !
I went to a job interview yesterday + it went very well. It looks like the kind of job I may actually be able to stomach! *hands-together* it all works out.  In the meantime, while I wait on my call, I needed to occupy my mind some other way. Dad tells me in those times, when you need to let out emotion, draw. That or pray. That's my Dad's answer for most things lol. But turns out he was right! So look, my friend Kendall turned 23 a week or so ago and he knows I'm sort of artistically gifted so he asked for an original from me! I really rarely get asked to draw as a gift to someone so it was a pleasure! Kendall didn't really specify what he wanted just a drawing so I decided maybe Anime? Kendall draws too and I noticed he draws anime among a few other things. I think he said he wants to be an animator/illustrator. What a goal! He sketches really well + his work always intrigues me. Anyway. So basically I just was like, I wanna draw some anime but I had no idea how to go about doing it. Contrary to possible belief, drawing anime successfully is not that simple. If you're anything like me you assume that a good anime girl drawing must consist of a few simple attributes like; large boobs, shiny hair and big eyes. *Insert buzzer sound effect* Wrong.

Drawing good anime actually requires a little research unless you just have it in you to draw anime well. So I spent a couple intimate moments with good ol' Google itself and it showed me a ton of great examples for anime girls. The eyes can be done a couple ways but the main key is the border of eyelashes. They should only appear on the sides, the top + bottom but not the center or inner areas. 
The color and shapes within the eye usually vary as you see above. Sometimes its a single black dot in the center with color around it and sometimes it's color with a gray shadowy haze looming over top. Sometimes the eye is accented with a little white light shine. All of these elements need to be applied when drawing a convincing anime character! Later, after the eyes, I realized that the anime girl has a distinct tiny mouth, pointed chin and somewhat large head. Her hair almost always comes down in chunky streaks, like you see above also. I appreciate this common feature because it helps me plan hairstyles to draw on my characters ahead of time, or at least give me an idea of what I'm going to attempt. So, with some of my new found knowledge I began to sketch a girl.

When I draw a body, I usually take a photo of myself or a model from the internet and I use that to form a good base shape. I used myself in this instance so I took a selfie of myself by using my camera timer and striking a pose. Then I began to sketch my anime girl's body based on the image of myself. Obviously the proportions ended up slightly different and the curves and assets I enhanced to give it a real anime feel. I had to reshape the breasts at least 4 times which was pretty annoying but after I'd had the body shape down flat I realized the breasts were ill proportioned. So with my trusty White Pearl eraser I rounded and re-rounded her boobs until they were as supple and voluptuous as any. Then I moved onto the head. Her chin and face shape was easy to master, as I'd been staring at example anime images for hours prior to this, however the eyes were a little bit tricky. I could't really decide which style I wanted to go with, the dot in the center, the gray haze over the eye color, it was difficult to decide because I feel like the eyes of an anime girl are the staple. The key item to nailing a legitimate anime drawing. Anyway, after a few failed attempts and a lot of erasing, I became pleased with the eyes that have a dot in the center. I also picked orange as her eye color because my Prismacolor Marker set gives me like 5 orange-tones to choose from, so I knew I could really define her eyes and make them pop with all those varying shades.

I added tiny shadows
to give the illusion of full lips !
Once the eyes were complete I sketched a tiny nose and mouth. I realized pretty early on (like earlier then when I was doing research, basically just from watching anime on TV) that anime/japanese drawings tend to give the characters small mouths with no lips. The mouth is literally just a slit or a small black smile-shaped opening. The presence of teeth and lips are almost always completely left out. I think it's because Japanese girls--or Asian whatever--really don't have very big lips in real life, and anime is like the extreme portrayal of that so they have absolutely no lip definition. Well, that may be so but for me that wasn't going to cut it. My drawings always have to evoke my inner feels and thoughts and I like them to have a bit of my personality in them. So for my anime character I decided to add a little tiny shadow above and beneath her mouth to give the illusion of some pouty lips. I myself have really puffy lips + that made me wanna incorporate that into this piece.

   Anyway the hair color was hard to decide on. I was thinking strongly about red, but I felt like that would be way too little mermaid, especially since the red Prismacolors I have are like Fire-Engine and Blood Crimson hues. Next I thought about orange, like she's a true redhead but then I remembered the whole orange-eye thing I was going for so I had to nip that in the bud too! Lastly I thought about maybe doing a pastel hair color like baby blue, pink or lilac.

All of those were ok, but I really wanted the main focus to be on her swimsuit and face. Not saying I wasn't going to put in Work when it came to the design and overall layout of the hair, but I just didn't want the color to be too distracting. Finally I thought long and thoroughly about it, and decided I liked the natural look. When I came to this conclusion, it was now a matter of brown or blonde. Blonde seemed easy enough, but I preferred the fact that the brown idea had a lot more options to highlight with. I have at least 7 different shades of brown so I thought I could really play with the color placement.

The eyes came easily, after that. My biggest concern was nailing the execution of the hair but after a few breezy strokes, I realized it wouldn't be difficult to accomplish my idea. I moved on to some simple shading with my flesh-tone marker, sort of to act as a guideline or border so I'd know where to place my eyes. I really must do this because a lot of the time when I sketch and erase, I go over it with the black ink outline and it doesn't look like the original pencil drawing. It's terribly frustrating and sometimes it's so off it makes the drawing look amateurish and sloppy. I get so mad because I spend a lot of time drawing and erasing and touching up to make the sketch look as close to perfect as a human can accomplish + then when I erase it for the final time and begin to ink it, it's like I erased too heavy + can't locate the original pencil markings and I end up making the eyes too low or the nose too pointy or the fingers too long or whatever! It's so vexing I actually sometimes scream and my mom will walk by looking at me like …OK… Lol. It comes with the package though I guess, not every drawing you make will necessarily be a masterpiece and I guess the artist in me just doesn't wanna accept that. Anyway, I basically used 50 Shades of Orange (LOL) to create DesuDesu's eyes.

 I made the base color Orange with Poppy and Pale Vermillion to accent and outline the eye; sort of giving the iris and retina some definition. Lastly I used Yellowed Orange to bring light to the bottom of the eye and I was sure to leave a few white spaces for light reflection (bc unfortunately I haven't replaced my white ink pen ;/)

The micron pen is my best friend when it comes to art. Sometimes I just make black and white drawings with it and--because it comes it different tip sizes--I can use it to create the entire image from jewels in a necklace to leaves on a tree. I think my favorite part of a Micron pen is the controlled tip. This enables the pen to distribute a controlled amount of ink at all times, so you never get that irritating and unsightly bleed of a regular black ink marker/pen. It's so useful I thank Matthew P. for introducing them to me back when I was only 17! The eyelashes went O.K. but studying up on my anime girls I realize they're a little too boxy for my taste. I should've only put bottom and top lashes instead of lining the entire outer corners like you see above. *Sighs* Oh well, you live + learn, or something like that… So after the major features were completed it was all basically about her outfit. See, I've been channeling my depression for lack of money (& being able to buy new clothes) into my art by using the clothing in my drawings. Sometimes I lie to myself + pretend I'm that kid with the magic paint brush. I convince myself that perhaps if I draw it out I'll actually receive it one day. Maybe I will? Who knows! So anyway I picked this PVC swimsuit for her to wear. It really stems from two different swimsuits and then I kinda made it into my own. I drew some light reflection on her boobs to give the illusion of the wet-look of PVC and I think it worked out successfully. I added Light Cerulean to the backdrop to help DD stand off the page a little, and I think that too was very successful! I contemplated purple and also, again; red, but blue seemed the most vibrant in this case so I took a chance and I'm really glad I did. Anyway, needless to say, Kendall really appreciated the gift, and I had the greatest time making it. Sometimes I get a little frustrated when drawing--especially when I envision something so clearly and I can't get it to go right when I jot it down--but I always love the process of creating a beautiful image with just a few drawing utensils an eraser and some paper.

I really encourage everyone to draw, because even though you might not be great at it, drawing (or even just coloring a book) can be extremely beneficial in releasing stress.
I hope this post helped you feel some inspiration! Grab your markers or pencils and see what amazing things your mind can create! Until then, let me know what you think of the finished piece: DesuDesu!
& if you really love it, it's available for purchase here: BUY DESU DESU

Thank you for reading! &Remember;

*Please, Pink Responsibly. 

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Friday, September 16, 2016


Hi everyone.
I've discovered I don't like figuring things out.
I'm sitting in the sun room of my home…well, it's sort of a sunroom. It's a screened in back patio thing. Idon'tknow. It's a room because like, it has a door, but. It's like completely outside and the walls are screened so it's not technically a room? Whatever. Done trying to paint that picture for you, the point is I'm outside. I'm sending in resumes--again. It's as if I'm in some horrible movie where the protagonist keeps waking up in the same dream over and over until they get whatever they were supposed to get right. I've been doing a little self-discovery lately--I mean you kind of have to when you're writing down a list of what makes you deserving of a mediocre job on a daily, scratch that, hourly basis--and I realized that I really want to act and model. I feel like I have a higher chance of being an actress because I'm not very tall and while my friend says I'm "above the average American Height of a female" I know I'm not Naomi Campbell. I don't wanna sound too harsh on myself, I know not all models are super tall, it's just I've felt like the runway ones almost always are. Cara Delivigne is small but idk she's not a common occurrence. I wouldn't mind doing both at all, model and act. I feel most passionate about both to be honest. I love the idea of modeling something high fashion, with heavy or raw makeup and gorgeously styled hair. I love the idea of my sister locks being considered couture and fierce. Girls around the world being proud of or wanting my locks, finally seeing that theirs are gorgeous too. I want to be a statement for those people. Show that you can be different in high fashion, and you don't have to have fro either (not that there's anything wrong with a fro). I guess I'm saying Hollywood has seen enough of the same old same old. It's been long enough with the same hair and the false lip plumping to sort of look black without the full commitment. LOL I want to bring the best of both worlds--appearance wise--to the scene. I've been told by a lot of people that I'm very unique looking and "beautiful". Although I get the adjectives hot, sexy, naughty and mysterious much more often. I think that personally I'm alright. I have a lot of areas I think could use improvement. I'm not self-critical for the most part, but I do feel like I need a helping hand in a lot of departments. I don't see anything wrong with it though, I'm just one of those gals who feels like cosmetic renovations and healthy eating can be a huge miracle for some people. Some of our most adored models are cosmetically enhanced and tbh I wouldn't want it any other way. We have to accept that human beings have adapted a certain idea of beauty. And yes it varies culture to culture but I think that there is a common agreement among us all that some things are just always gonna be sexy and beautiful and love or lust-inducing. Doe-like or sultry/smoldering eyes. Full lips on a female. Toned abs on a man. Nice teeth/smile. Height in a male. Soft/subtle curves of a female. Full luscious hair. These are things that I feel confident in saying any one can appreciate in a human being. That's why these men and women strive so hard for them. I know they do, because I do too! It's not about being 'mainstream' or giving into peer pressure, or yknow maybe it is? But either way we've adapted an idea of beauty and we really want to make sure we fit the mold. That's why they print these things on our magazines and put them on our televisions, because they know we'll want to follow it, and we do. So I guess all that is to explain that I want to improve myself a little before I dive into the Hollywood scene. I know that a lot of people just start and when they start making bank they get some revamping surgeries but tbh I really don't wanna do that. I'm not trying to step into the scene amongst the likes of Michael Fassbender and Kendall Jenner's fine asses looking like this. I'm OhKayy. But that's all I am. People tell me all the time right, they're like idk what you're talking about you're gorgeous you're so pretty, what Erica! You're so gorgeous why do you even want plastic surgery! & At this rate it's annoying and insulting. Anyone can look at me and see that I'm relatively passible. I'm not some hideous fungus that looks like a character off Lord of the Rings okay, and I don't think I'm totally ugly. But I definitely think I need work. I'm sorry--and I've literally had to explain this so many times that it's getting old--but I have a man's--well everything. I literally cake makeup on because a lot of the time I feel so masculine it bothers me. I sometimes wonder if people want to know if I'm trans. I know that sounds rude but whatever bro I'm telling you how I feel. I'm a black girl and Idk why but by nature most "african-american/black/whatever"girls are built with muscular bodies. We tend to have more defined toned muscles naturally. I've had a muscular build since I was a kid. I only just started going to the gym and exercising this year, and yet my arms have always had defined, sharp muscles. My shoulders are a tad broad and my hips up until this year were nonexistent. I literally never felt feminine and I'm only now becoming more in touch with my girly side. I know the martyrs of today are going to argue that I'm being gender-rigid or whatever non sense they write these days, but I'm a frickin' girl OK. I want to feel like a Barbie. I like gender rigidity. I want to wear pink and paint my nails, and yes I love androgyny in fashion as much as the next but I want to feel like a woman. I've had a really big struggle with that, that most people don't know about. I really only ever share that kind of stuff with my mom but it just hurts her more than anything to talk about it because she thinks I hate myself and it makes her sad I guess. I'm not self-hating though, I'm more like self-aware. I know what I look like, after all I spend the more time with myself than anyone else. I know I'm not a dainty china doll, but more like GI Jane. I used to jokingly ask my mom if I was born with both parts and the doctor asked her to pick which gender she wanted me to be. And she always literally rolls her eyes saying I really need to stop because I was "born 100% female with only a vagina" and she can call the doctor who delivered me to prove it. I laugh it off like "Well why else do I look like this" but deep down I really want to know why I inherited so much of my Father's attributes. First problem area I have with my self is my face. My nose in particular. It's shape is that of an hourglass, sort of like the pixelated one you'd see on an old Macintosh computer. It starts between my eyebrows, wide and flat. Then it narrows out as if there is some hope to how huge it already is. Then, as if by the absolute worst stroke of luck, it widens again. going almost wider than the top half where it started. My nostrils are huge. Literally, giant. I think I could shove one of those super-bounce rubber balls you get from the dollar store in each one. I have these 2 splotches of dark brown on the center of my nose with four or five smaller ones scattered around them like an ugly, uninspired constellation. My mom says they're freckles like she has but her's actually look like freckles on her nose--all spotted and only a shade or two darker than her skin color--mine are dark like moles and hideous arranged. Now, the moles or--sorry, freckles--wouldn't be so disturbing, they might even be kinda cute…kinda…if it weren't for the fact that the surface they lay on is so flat and wide that it looks like a slice of Hershey's Cookie Cake from Pizza Hut. My nose actually makes me hate looking into a mirror, or front-facing camera or any reflection for that matter. Imagine if Jordan Dunn had Morgan Freeman's nose. That's me. I try with things like conturing but it doesn't change the overall shape of my nose, there's really no hiding it. I know now that no amount of Cake Face is going to change the situation on my face. Other areas of detest include the dark discoloration from acne or whatever on my face, my sunken forehead which gives me the brow bone of Harambe and the sunken dark circles beneath my eyes. Next my body. It's actually first rate as of lately, although I do wish I had less manly looking arms and shoulders and also bigger breasts with smaller nipples. Right now, when my nipples aren't hard from the cold, my breasts resemble one of those large navel oranges.
 Yea. So no, I personally don't feel ready for Hollywood. I feel like maybe as one of the ugly sidekicks who never has any lines, yea I might be great. Or as the less important sub-character that gets brought on as a main character later on after season 4, sure. But as the headliner, the spotlight actress, I don't feel beautiful enough. And I know that there are actresses out there who aren't necessarily striking but are appreciated for their acting abilities and gusto but I don't wanna be in that category. I want to be in the Hottest Woman Alive and Sports Illustrated-worthy category (disregard Chrissy Teigen idk what went wrong with that one). I want to be used on the cover of Vogue even though I'm an actress and have contracts with Mabeline, Revlon, Covergirl and Sephora. I want to be the face of haute couture lines and mingle with the likes of Dontella Versace and the guys at Baja East. I want to be more than just that funny, convincing black girl or one of the four black models in Marc Jacobs NYFW show. I want to be the it girl. The one that everyone loves to look at. The one that appeals to all ideals of beauty. The girl with the straight and prominent nose and the full and juicy lips. The one with the caramel skin and the thick straight sister locks flowing daintily down her back. And I'm not her yet. I'm just a shadow of the thing yet to come. I'm almost but not quite. That's why when everyone asks about me, asking why I haven't started modeling/acting yet I tell them I'm just not ready. I know you can't always wait on a perfect storm, that conditions are going to always be ideal and you just need to start somewhere and go for it, but I can't. I won't I'm not going to. I know I can be everything aforementioned, and I will be. I already have a huge amount of money coming in, in a few months and I've set a strategic plan for what to do when the money gets here. I know what I need to do, and in a  years time, I'll be splashing on the cover of every magazine. Elle, Vogue, BAZAAR, Seventeen. You name it I'll be on it. & Coming to a theater near you. I'm excited, so heart-poundingly excited about the near future but the wait for the tools I need has been so painful. I often describe this wait on my rhinoplasty (nose job) as being sick with like, the flu or something. You know you're going to be better at some point. You know you're not going to feel like shit So SOO soon, you just have NO idea of knowing exactly when that day is. There's no real way to judge when exactly you'll be back at 100 you just know you've dealt with this before and it will change. In the meantime you try your best not to focus on how much you feel like ass. That's what this has been like. Having this nose. I look at my face every day when getting ready to go anywhere. I look at my sexy lips, my straight smile, my finely detailed and pointed chin, my artistically sculpted collar bones and they all pale in comparison to my giant nose. I can hardly focus on any of my good qualities because all I can see is a giant, lumpy, wide hunk of flesh laying atop the center of my face. A lot of people tell me "you don't have a big nose dude" or "no one cares about noses!" but it's just Not true. Maybe no one Says anything about noses, maybe people won't completely shun you because of your nose but mark my words, people DO CARE ABOUT NOSES. Why do you think contouring exists? It's not just another place to cake makeup onto out of sheer boredom, it's about painting the nose to make it more angular and symmetric with the rest of the face. Wide, flat and bulbous noses distract from the rest of the face and can make you look scary or stupid depending on the size/shape. Don't believe me? Look it up! IT'S SCIENCE PEOPLE. That's why it hurts me to see this thing on my face. I feel so different inside but when I look at myself I see someone else. I don't see the person I feel like and as transgender-victim of a statement as that was, I really do feel this way. I don't feel like a babe, and I strive every day to bring forth this demeanor like I'm the HBIC when I really feel like an ogre looking for the nearest cave to dwell in. I hope this settlement from the company-vehicle crash I was in comes expediently because every second with this nose is a second of despair I have to endure. I don't want to take pictures of myself and when I do I have to spend like 35 minutes picking one image that I like--that's usually enhanced with a filter--to post. The experience is horrible and I strongly encourage anyone looking to improve their body or face to do so. Screw the opinions of other people if they say surgery or whatever is stupid and you're just shallow or have some body image disorder they can eat shit. People who enjoy being plain or simple or ugly or whatever more power to them, but for the Kylie Jenners and Bella Hadids of the world who know that a little help from Mr. Scalpel goes a long way, I commend you! You deserve the praise you receive. You weren't born beauty queen gorgeous but you knew you could get there somehow and you did! I admire the likes of you and I myself am on a personal journey to achieve the same results! So, anyway everyone. I've been out here writing for like 3 hours. I'm burning up and I really want a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. Also, my neighbor is weed-whacking his lawn or whatever and it is SO EFFING ANNOYING he keeps revving up the engine and like stopping halfway. I don't know if he's trying to reach like small areas or what but it's so FUCKING STUPID I WISH HE WOULD GO THE F INSIDE. LIKE MARK ARE YOU DONE OR NOT BRO. -________- It's like the moment I start to think of my next sentence his shit starts up again!!! 

*Please, Pink Responsibly.