Friday, September 16, 2016


Hi everyone.
I've discovered I don't like figuring things out.
I'm sitting in the sun room of my home…well, it's sort of a sunroom. It's a screened in back patio thing. Idon'tknow. It's a room because like, it has a door, but. It's like completely outside and the walls are screened so it's not technically a room? Whatever. Done trying to paint that picture for you, the point is I'm outside. I'm sending in resumes--again. It's as if I'm in some horrible movie where the protagonist keeps waking up in the same dream over and over until they get whatever they were supposed to get right. I've been doing a little self-discovery lately--I mean you kind of have to when you're writing down a list of what makes you deserving of a mediocre job on a daily, scratch that, hourly basis--and I realized that I really want to act and model. I feel like I have a higher chance of being an actress because I'm not very tall and while my friend says I'm "above the average American Height of a female" I know I'm not Naomi Campbell. I don't wanna sound too harsh on myself, I know not all models are super tall, it's just I've felt like the runway ones almost always are. Cara Delivigne is small but idk she's not a common occurrence. I wouldn't mind doing both at all, model and act. I feel most passionate about both to be honest. I love the idea of modeling something high fashion, with heavy or raw makeup and gorgeously styled hair. I love the idea of my sister locks being considered couture and fierce. Girls around the world being proud of or wanting my locks, finally seeing that theirs are gorgeous too. I want to be a statement for those people. Show that you can be different in high fashion, and you don't have to have fro either (not that there's anything wrong with a fro). I guess I'm saying Hollywood has seen enough of the same old same old. It's been long enough with the same hair and the false lip plumping to sort of look black without the full commitment. LOL I want to bring the best of both worlds--appearance wise--to the scene. I've been told by a lot of people that I'm very unique looking and "beautiful". Although I get the adjectives hot, sexy, naughty and mysterious much more often. I think that personally I'm alright. I have a lot of areas I think could use improvement. I'm not self-critical for the most part, but I do feel like I need a helping hand in a lot of departments. I don't see anything wrong with it though, I'm just one of those gals who feels like cosmetic renovations and healthy eating can be a huge miracle for some people. Some of our most adored models are cosmetically enhanced and tbh I wouldn't want it any other way. We have to accept that human beings have adapted a certain idea of beauty. And yes it varies culture to culture but I think that there is a common agreement among us all that some things are just always gonna be sexy and beautiful and love or lust-inducing. Doe-like or sultry/smoldering eyes. Full lips on a female. Toned abs on a man. Nice teeth/smile. Height in a male. Soft/subtle curves of a female. Full luscious hair. These are things that I feel confident in saying any one can appreciate in a human being. That's why these men and women strive so hard for them. I know they do, because I do too! It's not about being 'mainstream' or giving into peer pressure, or yknow maybe it is? But either way we've adapted an idea of beauty and we really want to make sure we fit the mold. That's why they print these things on our magazines and put them on our televisions, because they know we'll want to follow it, and we do. So I guess all that is to explain that I want to improve myself a little before I dive into the Hollywood scene. I know that a lot of people just start and when they start making bank they get some revamping surgeries but tbh I really don't wanna do that. I'm not trying to step into the scene amongst the likes of Michael Fassbender and Kendall Jenner's fine asses looking like this. I'm OhKayy. But that's all I am. People tell me all the time right, they're like idk what you're talking about you're gorgeous you're so pretty, what Erica! You're so gorgeous why do you even want plastic surgery! & At this rate it's annoying and insulting. Anyone can look at me and see that I'm relatively passible. I'm not some hideous fungus that looks like a character off Lord of the Rings okay, and I don't think I'm totally ugly. But I definitely think I need work. I'm sorry--and I've literally had to explain this so many times that it's getting old--but I have a man's--well everything. I literally cake makeup on because a lot of the time I feel so masculine it bothers me. I sometimes wonder if people want to know if I'm trans. I know that sounds rude but whatever bro I'm telling you how I feel. I'm a black girl and Idk why but by nature most "african-american/black/whatever"girls are built with muscular bodies. We tend to have more defined toned muscles naturally. I've had a muscular build since I was a kid. I only just started going to the gym and exercising this year, and yet my arms have always had defined, sharp muscles. My shoulders are a tad broad and my hips up until this year were nonexistent. I literally never felt feminine and I'm only now becoming more in touch with my girly side. I know the martyrs of today are going to argue that I'm being gender-rigid or whatever non sense they write these days, but I'm a frickin' girl OK. I want to feel like a Barbie. I like gender rigidity. I want to wear pink and paint my nails, and yes I love androgyny in fashion as much as the next but I want to feel like a woman. I've had a really big struggle with that, that most people don't know about. I really only ever share that kind of stuff with my mom but it just hurts her more than anything to talk about it because she thinks I hate myself and it makes her sad I guess. I'm not self-hating though, I'm more like self-aware. I know what I look like, after all I spend the more time with myself than anyone else. I know I'm not a dainty china doll, but more like GI Jane. I used to jokingly ask my mom if I was born with both parts and the doctor asked her to pick which gender she wanted me to be. And she always literally rolls her eyes saying I really need to stop because I was "born 100% female with only a vagina" and she can call the doctor who delivered me to prove it. I laugh it off like "Well why else do I look like this" but deep down I really want to know why I inherited so much of my Father's attributes. First problem area I have with my self is my face. My nose in particular. It's shape is that of an hourglass, sort of like the pixelated one you'd see on an old Macintosh computer. It starts between my eyebrows, wide and flat. Then it narrows out as if there is some hope to how huge it already is. Then, as if by the absolute worst stroke of luck, it widens again. going almost wider than the top half where it started. My nostrils are huge. Literally, giant. I think I could shove one of those super-bounce rubber balls you get from the dollar store in each one. I have these 2 splotches of dark brown on the center of my nose with four or five smaller ones scattered around them like an ugly, uninspired constellation. My mom says they're freckles like she has but her's actually look like freckles on her nose--all spotted and only a shade or two darker than her skin color--mine are dark like moles and hideous arranged. Now, the moles or--sorry, freckles--wouldn't be so disturbing, they might even be kinda cute…kinda…if it weren't for the fact that the surface they lay on is so flat and wide that it looks like a slice of Hershey's Cookie Cake from Pizza Hut. My nose actually makes me hate looking into a mirror, or front-facing camera or any reflection for that matter. Imagine if Jordan Dunn had Morgan Freeman's nose. That's me. I try with things like conturing but it doesn't change the overall shape of my nose, there's really no hiding it. I know now that no amount of Cake Face is going to change the situation on my face. Other areas of detest include the dark discoloration from acne or whatever on my face, my sunken forehead which gives me the brow bone of Harambe and the sunken dark circles beneath my eyes. Next my body. It's actually first rate as of lately, although I do wish I had less manly looking arms and shoulders and also bigger breasts with smaller nipples. Right now, when my nipples aren't hard from the cold, my breasts resemble one of those large navel oranges.
 Yea. So no, I personally don't feel ready for Hollywood. I feel like maybe as one of the ugly sidekicks who never has any lines, yea I might be great. Or as the less important sub-character that gets brought on as a main character later on after season 4, sure. But as the headliner, the spotlight actress, I don't feel beautiful enough. And I know that there are actresses out there who aren't necessarily striking but are appreciated for their acting abilities and gusto but I don't wanna be in that category. I want to be in the Hottest Woman Alive and Sports Illustrated-worthy category (disregard Chrissy Teigen idk what went wrong with that one). I want to be used on the cover of Vogue even though I'm an actress and have contracts with Mabeline, Revlon, Covergirl and Sephora. I want to be the face of haute couture lines and mingle with the likes of Dontella Versace and the guys at Baja East. I want to be more than just that funny, convincing black girl or one of the four black models in Marc Jacobs NYFW show. I want to be the it girl. The one that everyone loves to look at. The one that appeals to all ideals of beauty. The girl with the straight and prominent nose and the full and juicy lips. The one with the caramel skin and the thick straight sister locks flowing daintily down her back. And I'm not her yet. I'm just a shadow of the thing yet to come. I'm almost but not quite. That's why when everyone asks about me, asking why I haven't started modeling/acting yet I tell them I'm just not ready. I know you can't always wait on a perfect storm, that conditions are going to always be ideal and you just need to start somewhere and go for it, but I can't. I won't I'm not going to. I know I can be everything aforementioned, and I will be. I already have a huge amount of money coming in, in a few months and I've set a strategic plan for what to do when the money gets here. I know what I need to do, and in a  years time, I'll be splashing on the cover of every magazine. Elle, Vogue, BAZAAR, Seventeen. You name it I'll be on it. & Coming to a theater near you. I'm excited, so heart-poundingly excited about the near future but the wait for the tools I need has been so painful. I often describe this wait on my rhinoplasty (nose job) as being sick with like, the flu or something. You know you're going to be better at some point. You know you're not going to feel like shit So SOO soon, you just have NO idea of knowing exactly when that day is. There's no real way to judge when exactly you'll be back at 100 you just know you've dealt with this before and it will change. In the meantime you try your best not to focus on how much you feel like ass. That's what this has been like. Having this nose. I look at my face every day when getting ready to go anywhere. I look at my sexy lips, my straight smile, my finely detailed and pointed chin, my artistically sculpted collar bones and they all pale in comparison to my giant nose. I can hardly focus on any of my good qualities because all I can see is a giant, lumpy, wide hunk of flesh laying atop the center of my face. A lot of people tell me "you don't have a big nose dude" or "no one cares about noses!" but it's just Not true. Maybe no one Says anything about noses, maybe people won't completely shun you because of your nose but mark my words, people DO CARE ABOUT NOSES. Why do you think contouring exists? It's not just another place to cake makeup onto out of sheer boredom, it's about painting the nose to make it more angular and symmetric with the rest of the face. Wide, flat and bulbous noses distract from the rest of the face and can make you look scary or stupid depending on the size/shape. Don't believe me? Look it up! IT'S SCIENCE PEOPLE. That's why it hurts me to see this thing on my face. I feel so different inside but when I look at myself I see someone else. I don't see the person I feel like and as transgender-victim of a statement as that was, I really do feel this way. I don't feel like a babe, and I strive every day to bring forth this demeanor like I'm the HBIC when I really feel like an ogre looking for the nearest cave to dwell in. I hope this settlement from the company-vehicle crash I was in comes expediently because every second with this nose is a second of despair I have to endure. I don't want to take pictures of myself and when I do I have to spend like 35 minutes picking one image that I like--that's usually enhanced with a filter--to post. The experience is horrible and I strongly encourage anyone looking to improve their body or face to do so. Screw the opinions of other people if they say surgery or whatever is stupid and you're just shallow or have some body image disorder they can eat shit. People who enjoy being plain or simple or ugly or whatever more power to them, but for the Kylie Jenners and Bella Hadids of the world who know that a little help from Mr. Scalpel goes a long way, I commend you! You deserve the praise you receive. You weren't born beauty queen gorgeous but you knew you could get there somehow and you did! I admire the likes of you and I myself am on a personal journey to achieve the same results! So, anyway everyone. I've been out here writing for like 3 hours. I'm burning up and I really want a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. Also, my neighbor is weed-whacking his lawn or whatever and it is SO EFFING ANNOYING he keeps revving up the engine and like stopping halfway. I don't know if he's trying to reach like small areas or what but it's so FUCKING STUPID I WISH HE WOULD GO THE F INSIDE. LIKE MARK ARE YOU DONE OR NOT BRO. -________- It's like the moment I start to think of my next sentence his shit starts up again!!! 

*Please, Pink Responsibly.

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