Thursday, October 6, 2016

#twinning.

Awwh hey you!

   So, just last week I finished one of my all time favorite pieces; #twinning.


Lately I've been on this huge anime stint because the more I practice the better I get and I've always had a huge fan-girl relationship with anime. To be completely honest, I don't like anime cartoons. Other than super girly ones like Squid Girl and Sailor Moon, I never enjoyed the plots of anime.
I've also just never been really interested in cartoons, because I always felt they were so childish and even though I love drawing cartoon-style pieces, watching an actual cartoon has never been fun for me. In fact I think I can list my top favorite cartoons on one hand and I didn't watch every episode of these shows, only when there was nothing else on. In any matter, back to this piece. I started my obsession with learning to draw anime when I first did DesuDesu. She went SO well that I figured I could really get into drawing some more pieces like this. If you read the post on DesuDesu you'll see that I used clothing I actually want to buy someday and incorporated that into the picture. Using that same method, I decided I would create two girls and I would dress them up in cute clothing that I got the inspiration from via my top rated clothing stores. I started out first with the base of the girls. I drew one girl a little closer the left of the page and then, using a ruler, I draw a few long lines to the right side. With these lines as a guide I started to draw the second girl. Usually it takes a little time perfecting the length of the legs and torso, and the size of the head but once I've got it down, creating a second body is cake. Really the second body (if I'm drawing one) is just a copy of the first, that I end up touching up a bit to make it its own. 

Next I tried to think of a way to connect the girls and have them sort of be sisters; especially because I knew the title early on would be called Twinning or SisterSister or something and I wanted them to be connected without making them look exactly alike. That's how I came up with Cream the Cat. I thought to myself, *hmm* what if I drew a kawaii & fluffy little animal that the two girls could be holding and it could be like the two sisters shared this cute pet! I realized that a kitty was the best choice but the cat couldn't be skinny. Because y'know a fat pudgy cat is definitely cuter. I redrew the cat like 3 times before I had his adorable little fat body down perfect and once that was complete I gave him a swirly little tail to mimic a cream swirl (hence the name Cream) and the drawing was ready for the next step! After the body outline was complete I moved on to the clothing and hair. That was not only the easiest part but also the most fun! I gave Mika (right) straight hair and low bangs. All I could think of when drawing her hair was the color choices I'd have and that made me so overly excited I just want to get started before it was even ready. Keena (left) was given wavy hair, because like I said the two girls are twins but I didn't want them to be identical, and what better way to differentiate these two than with their hair? After that came wardrobe. I love putting cute clothes on my girls because it's like playing fashion designer. I may not have the cash at the moment to buy a bunch of new clothes but I can certainly glam up my drawings by drawing out my dream get-ups on them! I started with Keena's look. I knew I wanted to make her the sexier sister considering she had the most innocent looking face. Mika looked sexier in the face which is why I gave her a more baby-doll ensemble. I didn't want to make it obvious by giving Keena a sweet outfit and face and then Mika sexy & sexy, so I switched it up. I started by giving Mika a sweet fuzzy crop sweater. I got the idea from a little top I saw on Romwe and I made it pink because duh you can never have too much pink. I used light squiggly strokes of my Prismacolor Marker to make the fuzzy texture and it actually ended up looking really legit. Then I gave her an adorable crop top adorned with little hearts. After that I picked a pair of jeans because I debated a skirt for a while but I knew Keena would be wearing a skirt and I just really didn't want two skirts. I liked the idea of variety and even though I could've done like a tennis skirt which is flowy, I really felt like I should do jeans. I contemplated high waist but Mika's tummy was so cute and I wanted to give her a belly ring so I gave her regular-waist jeans. In real life I would NEVER wear or condone the wearing of a pair of regular-waist jeans but it worked well for the picture. Seriously, can I stress this? I hate regular jeans. 


No, scratch hate--loathe. There's something wrong with them, actually everything's wrong with them, they're so ugly. They don't flatter the female body whatsoever and they just make the legs look short and the torso abnormally long. My distain started around age 16 and I thought it was because I was kinda short (5'6") but then I looked at them on tall girls and I was like nope, no they're just hideous. Anyway I never imagined I would disgrace one of my pieces with a pair or regular-waist jeans but it kinda worked here. So, anyway, the outfits were for sure a success. I was excited to add detail also, so rather than just a skirt I wanted to do the lace up style. I thought the top might be a little too conservative so I added some cutouts and a little side-boob and I think that Really did it. With Keena's look out of the way it was just about adding detail to Mika. I gave her jeans little heart cut-outs at the knees that had bullets punched out all around it. Then her shoes were just going to be strappy sandals but because Keena had on the gladiator type shoes, I didn't wanna mimic that look, so I gave her little pompom tassels instead.

 I decided I'd use the same method I used on her fuzzy sweater to add detail to the shoes' pompoms! 
Keena's knee was never
intended to be this lumpy
and long. She looks like
she has some muscle
disorder but…
*sigh*
Alright, now that the final touches were finished I was ready to start outlining. I used my Micron Pens to do that. I believe I used Micron #05 #08 and #03 to do this piece. The numbers represent the tip sizes, and the higher the number the thicker the tip. I usually use 8 to outline the entire thing like the outer rims of the body and hair etc. then I use the smaller sizes to detail the accessories or the eyes or any other are that's very small and intricate. In this instance I also used a Micron #02 to detail Keena's Thigh tattoo. Outlining is almost my favorite part because it really makes me feel like the whole thing is coming together. The only thing I don't like about outlining, however, is that fact that sometimes I screw it up and the drawing doesn't look as good as a result. Wether it's a result of a shaky hand or lack of focus, a lot of the times when I outline with pen I draw a line too long, or lopsided or crooked or whatever. You can actually see here in this closeup of the final image that I really screwed up Keena's knee. A lot of people think the picture is still fantastic and usually--unless I point it out--they don't even notice it. I do, though and it's almost always such a blaring mistake that it makes me so mad I seriously wanna dramatically overreact and tear up the whole thing. It's really sucky because it's like I'm spending anywhere from 2-5 hours sketching out this perfect image, erasing and redrawing hoping to make something spectacular that not a lot of people have seen or can do or whatever and I end up actually accomplishing that but then I go to draw over it with my ink and it get's f*cked up and I'm like
 WHAT THE FUUUUUUHHH ୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭ ?!?!!?
It's definitely horrible and it can really be discouraging but I try to solider on and just do the best I can with what I have. So anyway yea, the outlining didn't go as well as hoped and to be honest I think I just need to start going at it a little slower (no naughtiness intended) and taking my time and focusing more. I think I get so excited about the piece that I'm like "I got this & it's about to look so mathematical!" and I end up getting ahead of myself and screwing it up. I guess it's not so bad though because most of the time people are like "Dude I don't see anything wrong with it" and that makes me feel a lot better. Are they lying to me? Are they really vomiting on the inside from the amount of ugly? Only God knows. But I'd like to believe that they really don't see a flaw and that the mistake is only visible to me.

In any matter, after the outline was complete it was time for color. I know I know, hold your applause, but it truly is my all-time favorite aspect of art. In fact if you Visit my Artist's Page you'll see that 99.9% of my art is colorful. I loved color because it tells a story beyond the drawing itself. Picking the right colors not only makes your piece pop but it also helps the viewer get a little understanding of why you did it or what you meant by it. Now don't get me wrong please. I'm not a fussy art snob who looks at some cliche painting of obligatory shapes & streaks and thinks *insert snobby Euro accent* "Why yes, yes I truly see that this piece is a blatant representation of the bludgeoning of our middle class society". 
I don't look at a piece of work and always assume that the artist had some deep meaning behind why they created the image the way they did and word of advice: you shouldn't either. Lemme let you in on a lil' secret… sometimes we artists just paint something 'cause we can. Or 'cause we're bored, or 'cause we something similar on TV or something that inspired something else etc. It's not always about some underlying hidden message sometimes it's from sheer boredom or random creativity. Not saying all artists are painting off the top of their head like I usually do, just saying a lot of the time that's what's happening. So, when I'm telling you the colors I used represented something I don't mean in a way that means like; I gave her a red skirt because when I was kid my mom bought me a red skirt, I mean I pick the colors in a way that's going to *hopefully* fascinate and intrigue people. Keena, I gave blonde hair because it seemed the most beautiful. I began with the idea of black, but after I decided I wanted her to be wearing a black top (which was originally going to be red actually) I realized I didn't want the two to blend so I knew that was out of the question. Then I thought about red, but after realizing the skirt would be a blood-red (which I had presumed I would make Navy Blue or Hunter Green) I knew that would look way too matchy-matchy as well. Brown seemed like an OK idea but I had already been really set on making Mika's hair brown and even though they're twins I didn't want to give her something to make them look the same as her sister so I knew I couldn't do that either. That's when I realized I would do blonde. I looked at my options and I figured yellow blonde was the most vibrant way to go. I left a few spaces blank to give the appearance of light reflection and voila! The hair was ready to go. Keena's skirt, like I mentioned earlier ended up being blood red. I liked blue and green but because her shirt was black I didn't want to go too dark with the rest of the outfit. I made her gladiator sandals black to match the top and accented it with gold buckles. Finally I gave Keena blue eyes because I had to go classic with her blonde hair. Next came Mika's final color choices. I knew right off the bat I wanted Mika to be wearing pink. The image sort of depicts two sister who're not entirely alike but are still twins. Mika is the sweet-but-really-naughty sister and Keena is the sexy-but-really-shy sister. So I needed to make the outfits and the facial expressions sort of tell that story. Mika's fuzzy sweater in pink was easy to do and, as I said before, I just used light squiggly strokes to mimic fuzz coming off. I made the heart pattern on her top pastel shades of purple and pink and then I gave her light-wash denim for her jeans. I also gave her a naughty little cherry tattoo that reads 'Lucky' to kind of continue the theme of naughty-or-nice? girl and I think it really worked. Lastly, I gave Mika pink&purple fuzz balls on her sandals to continue the look of the top going throughout the whole ensemble (sort of like I did for Keena). Once the two looks felt good and ready I accented Mika with a little bean sprout in the top of her head, sort of making her look like an alien but without being too convincing. After that was all done I began to color Cream the Cat. Cream was quick and easy. He needed to be Frosting related 1) because of his name & 2) because he just looked like a squishy pile of pudding. I actually thought of brown, like pudding, but then I started to feel like that might make him look like poop. With that terrible idea out of my head I started to think about what I would name him just based off the way he looked. I thought of Icing, Frosting (obvi, like my blog), Yogurt, and Pudding but by this point I was more hungry than I was closer to finding a good name. Cake seemed cool but that was the character from Adventure Time and I didn't wanna be a copycat so I continued to brainstorm. Finally, after a few minutes of steaming from the ears, I came up with Cream. I don't know that it's terribly creative but it seemed cool enough and it went well with the way he was drawn. His last  name is officially Swirl (on account of his swirly tail) so his official name is Cream Swirl the Cat. I figured by naming the characters I'd be able to do multiple drawings of them just in different scenarios! I think that if people see a reoccurring character in someone's art they really start to grow accustom to it and they wanna see it more and more. I chose the Prismacolor Marker that was actually titled Cream to color Cream. I also used a soft pink called Blush Pink to give his little swirl some character. He might look like a girl but Cream the Cat is definitely a boy and he loves Keena & Mika the most. So, yes. After all was said and done and everything had it's color, my piece was basically perfect. My dad came in behind me and suggested I draw a cool shape or something behind the girls to give them basically a background to sit in front. I didn't know how to go about executing this so my dad--using a plate, a dipping-bowl and a ruler--drew a cool box shape behind the girls. It definitely looked great and I was so happy with it that I'm glad my dad was actually able to contribute something positive for once! I later used photoshop to fill in the background with a sparkly pastel gradient I found on Google!
 The final product turned out so well you guise I could scream! I am so happy with all the input my family gave me in the final decision making for color and hair and the background my dad drew. I hope to do many more pieces like these and I hope you all love it! Let me know what you think by commenting below!

Until next time!

*Please, Pink Responsibly.







Monday, October 3, 2016

UNIVERSITY ( ᵕ̤ ‧̫̮ ᵕ̤ )

Greetings all!

        I think I'm going back to school! I know, what?! 
After almost 4 years of being freed from the institution of hell I'm diving--or, perhaps plummeting--face first right back in! Am I excited? Well let's get into that. On the one hand, certainly. I miss the camaraderie of the school environment; the friendships that didn't last outside of school but were tons of fun during the semester, the multiplied chances of meeting a hot guy and getting to go on classy Tumblr-worthy dates and especially the fun of actually being good at a subject and really wanting to give it your all. College can offer a lot of perks when it comes to your social life but it also helps advance you quickly and helps round out what exactly you want to do in your life. On the other hand, college is so predictable that it almost hurts my stomach. A lot of the people there--students and teachers alike--are like overgrown middle schoolers and there can still be drama and petty people no matter how hard you try to avoid it. If that weren't enough to make me run for the hills (because I really actually really hate confrontation) the stress of trying to find scholarships or get accepted for Financial Aid, or otherwise pay thousands of dollars in loans is wayyy too much stupid for me to handle. That's really why I don't feel v motivated to attend uni again. I mean when I was seventeen it was alright because I was young and just becoming attractive and I was overly zealous about the attention I would get from my peers, but now I'm 21 and the appeal of being the center of attention has nearly completely lost its luster. Don't get a nigga wrong, I love dressing well and keeping my body healthy and my skin clear but to be honest, the whole flirting with all these guys and acting like a queen B for the girls is so cliche at this point that I feel overwhelmingly tepid about the entire idea. I don't really like people I've discovered, and it feels like a mixture of social anxiety mixed with a short-patience span. I don't like being told what to do and I certainly don't like people who pretend for me. If you don't like me, let's talk. If you do, cool. Otherwise stay out of my way. It's not very Christian of me but thank God I'm forgiven for my commonly shitty attitude. 

In any matter, 
I don't feel like completely draining your day of joy so let's move on from this discussion shall we? 
University doesn't sound great but the whole reason behind me going is actually so that I can take theater, and major in the arts. I want to be an actress which isn't something I've told a lot of people just yet. Basically around 13 when I was labeled class-clown and funny man (er, woman) I realized I really wouldn't mind a life in showbiz. I thought about hosting my own show like an interview type show like Oprah has or maybe a comedic thing like Jimmy Kimmel. I wasn't entirely sure I just knew I really would love to be in front of the camera. This little dream of mine was diluted after awhile because I didn't think the reality of me actually becoming famous could happen, so I moved on to what I knew and something I was confident I knew how to do well; draw. I love art, don't get it twisted. It's something that helps free my mind and honestly, drawing something from scratch that came purely from my imagination right onto a piece of paper feels so magnificent that I can't explain it. That said, art isn't what I love. It's just not. I love having the talent to draw great pieces, I love the amazement I see in peoples eye's after viewing what I've done but being an artist really isn't what I want to do with my life.  I want to act. I want to preform on stage, film, television, anything! The idea of not only being an A-lister in Hollywood but also portraying an array of different complex characters makes me so excited I feel it in the tips of my hair. Sometimes, when I'm sitting out here in the sunroom typing here on Mm! Frosting I close my eyes and I picture myself learning new stunts for an upcoming action thriller with Tom Cruise or practicing my lines with Channing Tatum for a new feel good comedy debuting the following year and I actually scream. I am so so ready for all this and more and going to school seems like a pretty good first step for me. It can't hurt, to be on the road to having a degree which just makes my resume look more prestigious all while secretly checking off goals on my list to becoming an actress. I absolutely have confidence that I have what it takes to be successful in Hollywood and now it's just a matter of figuring out what path to take to get there. I haven't told a lot of people this dream, like I mentioned earlier, mainly because I've done that sort of thing before and it makes me look bad. You know, you have this off the handle idea and you really think you'll make a go of it and suddenly you aren't anywhere near the goals you'd set and it's already been a year and a half and everyone's looking at you like "bruh, weren't you going to do/be blah blah blah" and you're awkwardly smiling trying to pretend you're still making moves when you've secretly abandoned the idea entirely and just haven't told anyone yet. Yeah, that was me literally 2 years ago. I was on this huge fashion stunt where I convinced myself I would be a clothing designer, but after realizing how boring and tedious sewing could be and how teeth-clenchingly costly the startup of a business was, I timidly backed out of the position. Now I'm still having to answer questions asked by old friends on "What ever happened to that clothing thing you were doing" and "How's the clothing line coming". It's so awkward because I even asked a few local girls I knew if they would be interested in modeling for the brand and they were like OMG YES and now if I ever see them I kinda do this thing where I duck my head and hope to God they don't see me. Of course, when they do--and they always do--I'm stuck giving half-assed basically-a-lie answers like "Girl, production is just running so slow, but hopefully things will be up again soon" or "The creative director (aka my best friend) and I have been having a lot of differences and right now the startup is on hold." or something to that effect. The latter of which is true, Kara and I did have disagreements mainly because she didn't really want to do anything she just wanted to be able to say she was co-owner of a company. I can't blame her though, the whole idea was mine to begin with and I sort of sucked her into it because she was my bff and she had to LOL. Now that that fantasy has died I really don't want to go at it again with this new acting career. Of course, acting is nothing like  the fashion designer gig; I'm actually passionate about becoming an actress. I know it's not something I'll easily give up on or find too difficult to accomplish. In fact, whatever it takes I'm willing to do (besides sell my soul/self obviously) because I really really want/need this for my life. I'm the kind of female with rather expensive taste and I know that the lifestyle of a movie starlet is so lucrative that I'll be able to afford the exact kind of life I see myself having and then some. I'll be able to finally give freely to charities and my church and other churches and maybe even get to do some missionary work on my down time! I'm mostly excited about giving money to my mom and my siblings and helping increase their lives tremendously but mainly I'm just so over-the-moon excited about movie premieres and red carpet events. My whole social calendar will be filled and I'll be signing autographs and taking pictures with thousands of people who don't really know me but somehow still love me, or at least the characters I portray. I think that being a pretty-small-town girl for 21 years is going to help me because I'm really going to appreciate all the glitz and glamour that come with this career. I feel like a lot of actors/actresses are totally burned out from all the years and years of being in showbiz, because a huge majority of them have been doing it since they were kids. With me, though, I've always lived a paycheck to paycheck life. My parents rarely had to say no to things I wanted but it was because they either put it on a credit card or worked like dogs to get it. Even now, as I write this my parents, who're in their 50s, are struggling to make ends meet, and even with their military/disability checks they still don't have jobs and don't have more than what it takes to cover our bills. I don't want that for myself. I want so much more than that. I want to pull my family from these trenches and more than anything I want to ensure that I myself and my future children never ever have to live that way. I never want to worry about school tuition, food, mortgage, taxes, health insurance any of it. I never want to argue every day with my spouse like my mom does because we have practically no money and it's draining our relationship and putting us at odds with one another. I never ever want to hate my life and my situation and trust me, I know first hand that having no money will do absolutely that. I refuse to be average or below it. I want millions, I'm worth millions and I deserve millions. Hell, if anyone deserves it it's me. So I'm done complaining, wallowing, pacing and staying stagnant. I'm going to school, I'm getting a job and I'm making moves to be everything I know I can and will be. & like I said earlier y'know, it's just a matter of time before this girl here is on the cover of your favorite magazines and headlining in your favorite new films. & I'll say it again,when they make my Wikipedia page; I hope they use a picture I like…



until the next time

*Please, pink responsibly.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Happy Belated October 1st

Greetings all °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

   Scratch that earlier remark I made about feeling less pessimistic. 
The job interview went well like I mentioned in my previous post, DesuDesu, but evidentially not well enough considering I didn't get the job. Yes it's October, my absolute favorite month of year--partly because it's Halloween and my mom's Birth month but Mainly because of the magical weather.
Unfortunately, I'm not totally enjoying myself because I'm still unemployed. I'm at this utterly vexing crossroads in my life where I feel physically incapable of working some mediocre 9-5 all while my parents are on the verge of throwing me out if I don't. It's at a point that I feel like I might join the military. What've I got to lose anyway? I'm totally miserable in my current surroundings and I don't see another way out. Let me start this story over, so those of you just visiting can get a better understanding of my situation. I grew up in a close knit family for the most part, with the typical mom-and-dad-hate-each-other-but-are-too-broke-to-divorce scenario. I had an older sister whose job--it seemed--was to make sure to be the most screwed up individual of the family to ensure the destruction of trust from my parents so that when it came time for the rest of us to venture off they would certainly be too scarred to even blink. I'm the second oldest and after me my parents popped out two more spawns. Being second always felt like just that. Too naive or immature to do the things my eldest sister did but of course too old to be childish or given more than 2 chances at screwing up. My little sister was 5 years younger than me and from the moment she could talk she irritated me. I don't remember if I always thought she was annoying or if the distain slowly festered into what it has become but I just remember her always whining and complaining and my oldest sibling did that enough that I really Really didn't need it from the younger one too. Just as I was about to be the first ever 6 year old to commit suicide God saved me because, after 3 years, my parents birthed my final (and favorite) sibling, Roger. My little brother (one of the only people in this world I can stomach for more than a day) reminds me of myself so much. Always did and always will. He's very cool & go-with-the-flow just like I consider myself. He really never complains and just accepts things if they don't go as planned. He doesn't whine and bitch and disrespect everyone like my two sisters. He's not always nice but usually it's after constant prodding from others. That's why I get along with him so well--that and the fact that he's probably the only family member I have who listens to me. My mother and I are close, really close. I definitely admire her and she's shown me (in every case accept her marriage) how to be strong and independent. My two sister's and my Dad can remain unmentioned because I truly haven't the slightly care for them and I will miss them the least when I move out into the world on my own. While on the topic of moving out… I haven't yet and I'm 21. I know lots of people stay at home well into their 30s, I mean heck my own best friend is 25 and still living in her parents garage but they don't seem to care. My parents, on the other hand do. My mom likes my company but I can see the irritation she has for me behind her supportive You-Can-Do-It! attitude. My Dad is the kind of man who wants to do something quickly and not very well as long as it means he'll be finished and back on the couch watching Alien Conspiracies on YouTube soon. He didn't retire from the military and he rarely takes his jobs seriously. I'm not going to say he hasn't had hard times (and after the horrible 8 months I've had hopelessly searching for a new job, I can see how spiritually-draining it can be) but I don't have 4 kids and wife to look after. So basically my Dad just harasses me everyday with Want Ads and CraigsList Posts, shaking his iPad in my face like "Have you found work yet? Because your mother and I are paying all your bills and it's pathetic." He's decided against the sugar-coating method my mom uses by belittling me and repeatedly mentioning how his friends kids or his siblings kids all have MBA's at some Prestigious School of Don't Give a Shit.  I, on the other hand, am a lowly peasant with sort-of-talent and a hard head, according to him. Oh! And don't get me wrong, after I've done something for him and run an errand he was too lazy to do himself he'll definitely be sure to congratulate me on being a "great kid" but when the dust settles and my Car insurance bill comes around I'm back to "a lazy child who takes everything for granted and has no respect". I don't want to say my parents (or my mom anyway) is totally wrong. I haven't been looking for a job as hard as I could, and since February (when I left my old job) I've only applied to like 10 jobs every other day. I guess it's a discouraging combination of feeling like my great work ethic is being undervalued at some stupid company mixed with my underlying desire of being a model/actress but not getting the chance to. I feel somewhat held back by my appearance (because I honestly feel like I look like a monkey without makeup) but it's also not having any money to travel to casting calls, pay for acting lessons or headshots, etc. I was watching a report on Zulay Henao this actress who was apparently in the military for 3 years before leaving, joining acting school and now headlining in major films. That's why I mentioned the Military earlier, it seems like a nice route, considering all my room & board is paid for and I get a lot of side money as well. All I know is I gotta get the HELL out of here. My mom, I'll definitely miss but I know she and I are always gonna be tight. We talk about decorating my future home and throwing swanky cocktail parties with my celebrity friends once I'm ballin'. I know she'll be pleased with whatever I do it's just this process of getting there is so horrible. Anyway here's where everything gets somewhat better but still completely messy and uncertain…
Last year at the end of May I was driving home from that bullshit-job I had when an absent-minded garbage truck driver t-boned into the side of my truck. I didn't die, obviously, and miraculously I had no broken bones or anything. The airbag busted a gash into my lip (which swelled to the size of a ping-pong ball) and tore a chunk of skin off my hand and neck but other than that I was in tact. I've had some reoccurring shoulder/neck pain and sometimes some numbness but the doctor's say I'm doing good. Obviously I wasn't going to let that monkey city-truck-driver wash his hands of the incident so my parents helped me hire an attorney. We sued and now I feel confident that I'm about to come into some money. This money will help me pay off my car (because instead of using the insurance money to get me a new vehicle my parents spent it on bills which meant I had to take out a 7k loan and now I'm slowly paying it off). It's also going to pay for me to go back to college (which I was hesitant about at first but now I couldn't be more excited because I'm going to take Theater while I'm there). I'm also going to use some of the money to pay for cosmetic surgery. I'm finally going to get the nose job I've wanted so desperately since I was 16. Some of the money I'm going to put into a savings account and the rest of the money I'm giving to my parents to help their finical situation a little. All of this sounds so picture perfect, but the reality is that lawsuits take so much longer than you'd expect. It's not as simple as 'You hit me out of the blue so pay me asshole' as one would hope. No, instead it's request after request and the firm changing your case manager 6 times and reasons upon reasons why something Isn't happening or Hasn't happened yet. Finally the firm moved my case to a bulldog litigator named David. I love him. I think I may be in love. LOL. The man actually cares and has been giving me advice on what and what not to say; something my previous amateur attorneys never did. He's working diligently to make my case strong and loud but he's not God and he can't make things move any faster than they're able to. So in the meantime I wait. And wait. And wait some more. And wait on waiting to wait. I try to stress to my folks to just hang in there and in a few months I'll have the money for school, bills, surgery (which will help my acting/model career tremendously) and all the other things they resent me for now. But after 2 months have turned to 6 and 6 months to a year, my parents are growing weary and with their barely-above-average-income status, they can't keep footing the bill for me. My older sister--the spastic one I mentioned earlier--she went and got tied down to some AirForce, Grocery-Store Manager dude with rich relatives so her costly burdensome life has been fully lifted off my parents shoulders. Now it's me and my 2 other siblings and I can just feel how desperately my parents wish I would follow in her footsteps. I mean I remember when my sister was announcing that she eloped my Dad didn't even blink, he was just so over-the-moon with joy knowing he now officially had one less mouth to feed. But turns out he still has me, and I'm apparently the biggest blood-draining leech he's ever known. My mom tries to aide me by saying how my dad just wants me to use my potential to it's fullest but I'm old enough to know the truth now. My heart yearns to make a killing off blockbuster films and magazine covers. To sit on the uncomfortable-looking couch of Jimmy Kimmel and answer all his burning questions and meet celebs like Kimye and the cast of Game of Thrones. All of these things seem so real that when I close my eyes I can actually feel it happening, like I'm Raven having a vision. I've heard that if you can see something happening, like really see it and feel it, it can and will happen. Well I see it. I see it and feel it and God I know it's meant to happen but it's like how? When? Will I be like Morgan Freeman and start at 50?! Will I just get my big break after a few Theater sessions like Sophie Turner?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO GOD?! The settlement money paving the way for me is so idealistic that it actually hurts my teeth to say it, but because it's so ideal it of course has to be the longest, hardest, shakiest route of all time. Nothing in life is just handed to you, and if it is it doesn't stay smooth with no interruptions. The greatest plans can go wry and the worst situations can turn magically spectacular out of nowhere. That's what I hate about where I'm at right now. I'm living this horribly stressful and draining yet completely (and sadly) common life of an American 21-year-old where I either  
  1. Work like a slave at a crappy, monotone,  dead-end job and make just enough money to pay my bills and maybe go out every other weekend to the same shit night clubs.
  2. Go to college in hopes of finding a higher-paying monotone, dead-end job with added bonus of School Loans to now pay off for the next 12 years.
  3. Continue to egg my parents on for as long as possible to avoid working again but have no money and constantly listen to lectures on how I don't contribute to the family whatsoever.
Oh! And the best part? No matter which of the lovely aforementioned options I choose, I will STILL have to be living at home, with my mom and dad and 2 siblings, under their rules and constant arguing. 

Do you see why my life is so grand yet? And I know. I know there's people out their with facial deformities and missing limbs and parents who sodomize them with coat hangers but TOUGH TITTY. I'm not them. I'm me, and even if my situation pales in comparison the extremities I just mentioned, it still sucks. I still wake up feeling lost, and I pray and talk to God but it's not easy when he's up their chilling knowing the end and beginning and I'm down here being smacked in the face Daily with negative thoughts, people and surroundings. I do trust God, I do. I just don't know which way is up sometimes. It's like when you jump into deep water and everything is nice because you feel weightless and free and your body is warm but the water is cool and your hair is flowing and you feel a moment of bliss, but then panic creeps in because you're so deep you don't know which direction to swim to get back to the top. When you finally realize how to get out your even more scared because you're swimming and swimming and you still haven't reached the surface. All at once you want to scream but you can't breathe in. That's what my life feels like. Like I'm stuck, drowning. Like my boat is just filling with water and my parents are yelling at me because I'm not doing anything to stop it. I try and tell myself that this horrible journey is going to make for the best book one day, and the coolest story to tell when I'm being interviewed on Good Morning America. I'll tell everyone of how I was home schooled, and how I hated school and how I never wanted to go back to college. I'll tell people aspiring to act that sometimes you can be stranded and feel like there really just is NO hope, but there is. I'll explain how my parents were fed up with me and how I was *this close* to joining the navy or becoming a stripper. How suicidal I felt during the horrible years I worked as a subordinate to other people in the corporate world. Covered in acne and running out of money for the expensive treatments to rid myself of it, when all of sudden I starred in Such&Such Movie. I got signed to This&That Modeling Agency and BlahBlahBlah Cosmetics. And just like a whirlwind I went from nobody to It Girl. From selling magazines at the grocery store to being on the cover of them. From hating myself and my life to finally doing what I've always dreamed of doing.  Being a spokesperson for self-acceptance and love, modeling the latest fashion and going to premieres with my celebrity costars. It's all right in front of me, behind a locked door which I haven't yet found the key to. Waiting on my settlement is like waiting on a dry day in the rainforest. Truthfully, I like to use this metaphor when I explain my situation to people; waiting on my chance is a lot like being sick with the flu. You know that it's not forever. You know that you're going to get better because you always do. You know all the things you're going to do once you're feeling better but you have no idea when. There's nothing that states when the flu ends because it's different for everyone. All you know is that you're not going to die, but that's it. You feel close to it, so SO close to death but you know it won't happen. In the meantime you wait, and wait and feel like the devil's armpit. You cry because you're so tired of this and you just want to be how you know you're supposed to, but you're not. You're stuck. And all there is to do is all you can with what you have and try and hold on for the brightness that floats loosely ahead of you. That's me. I'm sick with this disease of the unknown. Of not know when my acting/modeling career will take off so I just wait, and try not to kill myself at a stupid job I know I won't like until then. Try to keep my skin clear for future modeling while blackheads from stress multiply across my cheeks and forehead. Try to explain to my parents that this acting/modeling career isn't a joke and I DO have a plan and it WILL WORK. Try to stay happy even when all bad things are coming against me. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm using my art and God's Words to channel my anger, fear and uncertainty. I'm writing as often as I can on here to get social and perhaps gain recognition through this outlet. I'm talking weekly with my lawyer to see if there's anything I can do to speed the process along, and making moves and connections with anyone and everyone that is or could be important in the future. I'm keeping my head held up even though life is lashing me in the face. I know all of this is just making for the perfect background, and one day on my Wikipedia page, the write-up on my 'Early Life' section will tell everyone about the story I just shared with you. About my inner struggles, my depression, my feelings of hopelessness and trying to walk the Christian-walk all while still feeling unsure of so many things. I know all this and more is in store for my life, and mark my words I'm GOING to make it happen. You'd better believe me when I say I'm determined. So don't feel sorry for me just yet. Pray for me, send me good vibes, believe with me that I'm going big places. And stay in touch as I post my daily endeavors on my journey to becoming 'Erica Elizabeth, American actress and model". I just hope Wikipedia uses a picture of me that I like… 


until next time,
*Please, Pink Responsibly.

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