Sunday, October 2, 2016

Happy Belated October 1st

Greetings all °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

   Scratch that earlier remark I made about feeling less pessimistic. 
The job interview went well like I mentioned in my previous post, DesuDesu, but evidentially not well enough considering I didn't get the job. Yes it's October, my absolute favorite month of year--partly because it's Halloween and my mom's Birth month but Mainly because of the magical weather.
Unfortunately, I'm not totally enjoying myself because I'm still unemployed. I'm at this utterly vexing crossroads in my life where I feel physically incapable of working some mediocre 9-5 all while my parents are on the verge of throwing me out if I don't. It's at a point that I feel like I might join the military. What've I got to lose anyway? I'm totally miserable in my current surroundings and I don't see another way out. Let me start this story over, so those of you just visiting can get a better understanding of my situation. I grew up in a close knit family for the most part, with the typical mom-and-dad-hate-each-other-but-are-too-broke-to-divorce scenario. I had an older sister whose job--it seemed--was to make sure to be the most screwed up individual of the family to ensure the destruction of trust from my parents so that when it came time for the rest of us to venture off they would certainly be too scarred to even blink. I'm the second oldest and after me my parents popped out two more spawns. Being second always felt like just that. Too naive or immature to do the things my eldest sister did but of course too old to be childish or given more than 2 chances at screwing up. My little sister was 5 years younger than me and from the moment she could talk she irritated me. I don't remember if I always thought she was annoying or if the distain slowly festered into what it has become but I just remember her always whining and complaining and my oldest sibling did that enough that I really Really didn't need it from the younger one too. Just as I was about to be the first ever 6 year old to commit suicide God saved me because, after 3 years, my parents birthed my final (and favorite) sibling, Roger. My little brother (one of the only people in this world I can stomach for more than a day) reminds me of myself so much. Always did and always will. He's very cool & go-with-the-flow just like I consider myself. He really never complains and just accepts things if they don't go as planned. He doesn't whine and bitch and disrespect everyone like my two sisters. He's not always nice but usually it's after constant prodding from others. That's why I get along with him so well--that and the fact that he's probably the only family member I have who listens to me. My mother and I are close, really close. I definitely admire her and she's shown me (in every case accept her marriage) how to be strong and independent. My two sister's and my Dad can remain unmentioned because I truly haven't the slightly care for them and I will miss them the least when I move out into the world on my own. While on the topic of moving out… I haven't yet and I'm 21. I know lots of people stay at home well into their 30s, I mean heck my own best friend is 25 and still living in her parents garage but they don't seem to care. My parents, on the other hand do. My mom likes my company but I can see the irritation she has for me behind her supportive You-Can-Do-It! attitude. My Dad is the kind of man who wants to do something quickly and not very well as long as it means he'll be finished and back on the couch watching Alien Conspiracies on YouTube soon. He didn't retire from the military and he rarely takes his jobs seriously. I'm not going to say he hasn't had hard times (and after the horrible 8 months I've had hopelessly searching for a new job, I can see how spiritually-draining it can be) but I don't have 4 kids and wife to look after. So basically my Dad just harasses me everyday with Want Ads and CraigsList Posts, shaking his iPad in my face like "Have you found work yet? Because your mother and I are paying all your bills and it's pathetic." He's decided against the sugar-coating method my mom uses by belittling me and repeatedly mentioning how his friends kids or his siblings kids all have MBA's at some Prestigious School of Don't Give a Shit.  I, on the other hand, am a lowly peasant with sort-of-talent and a hard head, according to him. Oh! And don't get me wrong, after I've done something for him and run an errand he was too lazy to do himself he'll definitely be sure to congratulate me on being a "great kid" but when the dust settles and my Car insurance bill comes around I'm back to "a lazy child who takes everything for granted and has no respect". I don't want to say my parents (or my mom anyway) is totally wrong. I haven't been looking for a job as hard as I could, and since February (when I left my old job) I've only applied to like 10 jobs every other day. I guess it's a discouraging combination of feeling like my great work ethic is being undervalued at some stupid company mixed with my underlying desire of being a model/actress but not getting the chance to. I feel somewhat held back by my appearance (because I honestly feel like I look like a monkey without makeup) but it's also not having any money to travel to casting calls, pay for acting lessons or headshots, etc. I was watching a report on Zulay Henao this actress who was apparently in the military for 3 years before leaving, joining acting school and now headlining in major films. That's why I mentioned the Military earlier, it seems like a nice route, considering all my room & board is paid for and I get a lot of side money as well. All I know is I gotta get the HELL out of here. My mom, I'll definitely miss but I know she and I are always gonna be tight. We talk about decorating my future home and throwing swanky cocktail parties with my celebrity friends once I'm ballin'. I know she'll be pleased with whatever I do it's just this process of getting there is so horrible. Anyway here's where everything gets somewhat better but still completely messy and uncertain…
Last year at the end of May I was driving home from that bullshit-job I had when an absent-minded garbage truck driver t-boned into the side of my truck. I didn't die, obviously, and miraculously I had no broken bones or anything. The airbag busted a gash into my lip (which swelled to the size of a ping-pong ball) and tore a chunk of skin off my hand and neck but other than that I was in tact. I've had some reoccurring shoulder/neck pain and sometimes some numbness but the doctor's say I'm doing good. Obviously I wasn't going to let that monkey city-truck-driver wash his hands of the incident so my parents helped me hire an attorney. We sued and now I feel confident that I'm about to come into some money. This money will help me pay off my car (because instead of using the insurance money to get me a new vehicle my parents spent it on bills which meant I had to take out a 7k loan and now I'm slowly paying it off). It's also going to pay for me to go back to college (which I was hesitant about at first but now I couldn't be more excited because I'm going to take Theater while I'm there). I'm also going to use some of the money to pay for cosmetic surgery. I'm finally going to get the nose job I've wanted so desperately since I was 16. Some of the money I'm going to put into a savings account and the rest of the money I'm giving to my parents to help their finical situation a little. All of this sounds so picture perfect, but the reality is that lawsuits take so much longer than you'd expect. It's not as simple as 'You hit me out of the blue so pay me asshole' as one would hope. No, instead it's request after request and the firm changing your case manager 6 times and reasons upon reasons why something Isn't happening or Hasn't happened yet. Finally the firm moved my case to a bulldog litigator named David. I love him. I think I may be in love. LOL. The man actually cares and has been giving me advice on what and what not to say; something my previous amateur attorneys never did. He's working diligently to make my case strong and loud but he's not God and he can't make things move any faster than they're able to. So in the meantime I wait. And wait. And wait some more. And wait on waiting to wait. I try to stress to my folks to just hang in there and in a few months I'll have the money for school, bills, surgery (which will help my acting/model career tremendously) and all the other things they resent me for now. But after 2 months have turned to 6 and 6 months to a year, my parents are growing weary and with their barely-above-average-income status, they can't keep footing the bill for me. My older sister--the spastic one I mentioned earlier--she went and got tied down to some AirForce, Grocery-Store Manager dude with rich relatives so her costly burdensome life has been fully lifted off my parents shoulders. Now it's me and my 2 other siblings and I can just feel how desperately my parents wish I would follow in her footsteps. I mean I remember when my sister was announcing that she eloped my Dad didn't even blink, he was just so over-the-moon with joy knowing he now officially had one less mouth to feed. But turns out he still has me, and I'm apparently the biggest blood-draining leech he's ever known. My mom tries to aide me by saying how my dad just wants me to use my potential to it's fullest but I'm old enough to know the truth now. My heart yearns to make a killing off blockbuster films and magazine covers. To sit on the uncomfortable-looking couch of Jimmy Kimmel and answer all his burning questions and meet celebs like Kimye and the cast of Game of Thrones. All of these things seem so real that when I close my eyes I can actually feel it happening, like I'm Raven having a vision. I've heard that if you can see something happening, like really see it and feel it, it can and will happen. Well I see it. I see it and feel it and God I know it's meant to happen but it's like how? When? Will I be like Morgan Freeman and start at 50?! Will I just get my big break after a few Theater sessions like Sophie Turner?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO GOD?! The settlement money paving the way for me is so idealistic that it actually hurts my teeth to say it, but because it's so ideal it of course has to be the longest, hardest, shakiest route of all time. Nothing in life is just handed to you, and if it is it doesn't stay smooth with no interruptions. The greatest plans can go wry and the worst situations can turn magically spectacular out of nowhere. That's what I hate about where I'm at right now. I'm living this horribly stressful and draining yet completely (and sadly) common life of an American 21-year-old where I either  
  1. Work like a slave at a crappy, monotone,  dead-end job and make just enough money to pay my bills and maybe go out every other weekend to the same shit night clubs.
  2. Go to college in hopes of finding a higher-paying monotone, dead-end job with added bonus of School Loans to now pay off for the next 12 years.
  3. Continue to egg my parents on for as long as possible to avoid working again but have no money and constantly listen to lectures on how I don't contribute to the family whatsoever.
Oh! And the best part? No matter which of the lovely aforementioned options I choose, I will STILL have to be living at home, with my mom and dad and 2 siblings, under their rules and constant arguing. 

Do you see why my life is so grand yet? And I know. I know there's people out their with facial deformities and missing limbs and parents who sodomize them with coat hangers but TOUGH TITTY. I'm not them. I'm me, and even if my situation pales in comparison the extremities I just mentioned, it still sucks. I still wake up feeling lost, and I pray and talk to God but it's not easy when he's up their chilling knowing the end and beginning and I'm down here being smacked in the face Daily with negative thoughts, people and surroundings. I do trust God, I do. I just don't know which way is up sometimes. It's like when you jump into deep water and everything is nice because you feel weightless and free and your body is warm but the water is cool and your hair is flowing and you feel a moment of bliss, but then panic creeps in because you're so deep you don't know which direction to swim to get back to the top. When you finally realize how to get out your even more scared because you're swimming and swimming and you still haven't reached the surface. All at once you want to scream but you can't breathe in. That's what my life feels like. Like I'm stuck, drowning. Like my boat is just filling with water and my parents are yelling at me because I'm not doing anything to stop it. I try and tell myself that this horrible journey is going to make for the best book one day, and the coolest story to tell when I'm being interviewed on Good Morning America. I'll tell everyone of how I was home schooled, and how I hated school and how I never wanted to go back to college. I'll tell people aspiring to act that sometimes you can be stranded and feel like there really just is NO hope, but there is. I'll explain how my parents were fed up with me and how I was *this close* to joining the navy or becoming a stripper. How suicidal I felt during the horrible years I worked as a subordinate to other people in the corporate world. Covered in acne and running out of money for the expensive treatments to rid myself of it, when all of sudden I starred in Such&Such Movie. I got signed to This&That Modeling Agency and BlahBlahBlah Cosmetics. And just like a whirlwind I went from nobody to It Girl. From selling magazines at the grocery store to being on the cover of them. From hating myself and my life to finally doing what I've always dreamed of doing.  Being a spokesperson for self-acceptance and love, modeling the latest fashion and going to premieres with my celebrity costars. It's all right in front of me, behind a locked door which I haven't yet found the key to. Waiting on my settlement is like waiting on a dry day in the rainforest. Truthfully, I like to use this metaphor when I explain my situation to people; waiting on my chance is a lot like being sick with the flu. You know that it's not forever. You know that you're going to get better because you always do. You know all the things you're going to do once you're feeling better but you have no idea when. There's nothing that states when the flu ends because it's different for everyone. All you know is that you're not going to die, but that's it. You feel close to it, so SO close to death but you know it won't happen. In the meantime you wait, and wait and feel like the devil's armpit. You cry because you're so tired of this and you just want to be how you know you're supposed to, but you're not. You're stuck. And all there is to do is all you can with what you have and try and hold on for the brightness that floats loosely ahead of you. That's me. I'm sick with this disease of the unknown. Of not know when my acting/modeling career will take off so I just wait, and try not to kill myself at a stupid job I know I won't like until then. Try to keep my skin clear for future modeling while blackheads from stress multiply across my cheeks and forehead. Try to explain to my parents that this acting/modeling career isn't a joke and I DO have a plan and it WILL WORK. Try to stay happy even when all bad things are coming against me. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm using my art and God's Words to channel my anger, fear and uncertainty. I'm writing as often as I can on here to get social and perhaps gain recognition through this outlet. I'm talking weekly with my lawyer to see if there's anything I can do to speed the process along, and making moves and connections with anyone and everyone that is or could be important in the future. I'm keeping my head held up even though life is lashing me in the face. I know all of this is just making for the perfect background, and one day on my Wikipedia page, the write-up on my 'Early Life' section will tell everyone about the story I just shared with you. About my inner struggles, my depression, my feelings of hopelessness and trying to walk the Christian-walk all while still feeling unsure of so many things. I know all this and more is in store for my life, and mark my words I'm GOING to make it happen. You'd better believe me when I say I'm determined. So don't feel sorry for me just yet. Pray for me, send me good vibes, believe with me that I'm going big places. And stay in touch as I post my daily endeavors on my journey to becoming 'Erica Elizabeth, American actress and model". I just hope Wikipedia uses a picture of me that I like… 

until next time,
*Please, Pink Responsibly.

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