I think I'm going back to school! I know, what?!
After almost 4 years of being freed from the institution of hell I'm diving--or, perhaps plummeting--face first right back in! Am I excited? Well… let's get into that. On the one hand, certainly. I miss the camaraderie of the school environment; the friendships that didn't last outside of school but were tons of fun during the semester, the multiplied chances of meeting a hot guy and getting to go on classy Tumblr-worthy dates and especially the fun of actually being good at a subject and really wanting to give it your all. College can offer a lot of perks when it comes to your social life but it also helps advance you quickly and helps round out what exactly you want to do in your life. On the other hand, college is so predictable that it almost hurts my stomach. A lot of the people there--students and teachers alike--are like overgrown middle schoolers and there can still be drama and petty people no matter how hard you try to avoid it. If that weren't enough to make me run for the hills (because I really actually really hate confrontation) the stress of trying to find scholarships or get accepted for Financial Aid, or otherwise pay thousands of dollars in loans is wayyy too much stupid for me to handle. That's really why I don't feel v motivated to attend uni again. I mean when I was seventeen it was alright because I was young and just becoming attractive and I was overly zealous about the attention I would get from my peers, but now I'm 21 and the appeal of being the center of attention has nearly completely lost its luster. Don't get a nigga wrong, I love dressing well and keeping my body healthy and my skin clear but to be honest, the whole flirting with all these guys and acting like a queen B for the girls is so cliche at this point that I feel overwhelmingly tepid about the entire idea. I don't really like people I've discovered, and it feels like a mixture of social anxiety mixed with a short-patience span. I don't like being told what to do and I certainly don't like people who pretend for me. If you don't like me, let's talk. If you do, cool. Otherwise stay out of my way. It's not very Christian of me but thank God I'm forgiven for my commonly shitty attitude.
In any matter,
I don't feel like completely draining your day of joy so let's move on from this discussion shall we?
University doesn't sound great but the whole reason behind me going is actually so that I can take theater, and major in the arts. I want to be an actress which isn't something I've told a lot of people just yet. Basically around 13 when I was labeled class-clown and funny man (er, woman) I realized I really wouldn't mind a life in showbiz. I thought about hosting my own show like an interview type show like Oprah has or maybe a comedic thing like Jimmy Kimmel. I wasn't entirely sure I just knew I really would love to be in front of the camera. This little dream of mine was diluted after awhile because I didn't think the reality of me actually becoming famous could happen, so I moved on to what I knew and something I was confident I knew how to do well; draw. I love art, don't get it twisted. It's something that helps free my mind and honestly, drawing something from scratch that came purely from my imagination right onto a piece of paper feels so magnificent that I can't explain it. That said, art isn't what I love. It's just not. I love having the talent to draw great pieces, I love the amazement I see in peoples eye's after viewing what I've done but being an artist really isn't what I want to do with my life. I want to act. I want to preform on stage, film, television, anything! The idea of not only being an A-lister in Hollywood but also portraying an array of different complex characters makes me so excited I feel it in the tips of my hair. Sometimes, when I'm sitting out here in the sunroom typing here on Mm! Frosting I close my eyes and I picture myself learning new stunts for an upcoming action thriller with Tom Cruise or practicing my lines with Channing Tatum for a new feel good comedy debuting the following year and I actually scream. I am so so ready for all this and more and going to school seems like a pretty good first step for me. It can't hurt, to be on the road to having a degree which just makes my resume look more prestigious all while secretly checking off goals on my list to becoming an actress. I absolutely have confidence that I have what it takes to be successful in Hollywood and now it's just a matter of figuring out what path to take to get there. I haven't told a lot of people this dream, like I mentioned earlier, mainly because I've done that sort of thing before and it makes me look bad. You know, you have this off the handle idea and you really think you'll make a go of it and suddenly you aren't anywhere near the goals you'd set and it's already been a year and a half and everyone's looking at you like "bruh, weren't you going to do/be blah blah blah" and you're awkwardly smiling trying to pretend you're still making moves when you've secretly abandoned the idea entirely and just haven't told anyone yet. Yeah, that was me literally 2 years ago. I was on this huge fashion stunt where I convinced myself I would be a clothing designer, but after realizing how boring and tedious sewing could be and how teeth-clenchingly costly the startup of a business was, I timidly backed out of the position. Now I'm still having to answer questions asked by old friends on "What ever happened to that clothing thing you were doing" and "How's the clothing line coming". It's so awkward because I even asked a few local girls I knew if they would be interested in modeling for the brand and they were like OMG YES and now if I ever see them I kinda do this thing where I duck my head and hope to God they don't see me. Of course, when they do--and they always do--I'm stuck giving half-assed basically-a-lie answers like "Girl, production is just running so slow, but hopefully things will be up again soon" or "The creative director (aka my best friend) and I have been having a lot of differences and right now the startup is on hold." or something to that effect. The latter of which is true, Kara and I did have disagreements mainly because she didn't really want to do anything she just wanted to be able to say she was co-owner of a company. I can't blame her though, the whole idea was mine to begin with and I sort of sucked her into it because she was my bff and she had to LOL. Now that that fantasy has died I really don't want to go at it again with this new acting career. Of course, acting is nothing like the fashion designer gig; I'm actually passionate about becoming an actress. I know it's not something I'll easily give up on or find too difficult to accomplish. In fact, whatever it takes I'm willing to do (besides sell my soul/self obviously) because I really really want/need this for my life. I'm the kind of female with rather expensive taste and I know that the lifestyle of a movie starlet is so lucrative that I'll be able to afford the exact kind of life I see myself having and then some. I'll be able to finally give freely to charities and my church and other churches and maybe even get to do some missionary work on my down time! I'm mostly excited about giving money to my mom and my siblings and helping increase their lives tremendously but mainly I'm just so over-the-moon excited about movie premieres and red carpet events. My whole social calendar will be filled and I'll be signing autographs and taking pictures with thousands of people who don't really know me but somehow still love me, or at least the characters I portray. I think that being a pretty-small-town girl for 21 years is going to help me because I'm really going to appreciate all the glitz and glamour that come with this career. I feel like a lot of actors/actresses are totally burned out from all the years and years of being in showbiz, because a huge majority of them have been doing it since they were kids. With me, though, I've always lived a paycheck to paycheck life. My parents rarely had to say no to things I wanted but it was because they either put it on a credit card or worked like dogs to get it. Even now, as I write this my parents, who're in their 50s, are struggling to make ends meet, and even with their military/disability checks they still don't have jobs and don't have more than what it takes to cover our bills. I don't want that for myself. I want so much more than that. I want to pull my family from these trenches and more than anything I want to ensure that I myself and my future children never ever have to live that way. I never want to worry about school tuition, food, mortgage, taxes, health insurance any of it. I never want to argue every day with my spouse like my mom does because we have practically no money and it's draining our relationship and putting us at odds with one another. I never ever want to hate my life and my situation and trust me, I know first hand that having no money will do absolutely that. I refuse to be average or below it. I want millions, I'm worth millions and I deserve millions. Hell, if anyone deserves it it's me. So I'm done complaining, wallowing, pacing and staying stagnant. I'm going to school, I'm getting a job and I'm making moves to be everything I know I can and will be. & like I said earlier y'know, it's just a matter of time before this girl here is on the cover of your favorite magazines and headlining in your favorite new films. & I'll say it again,when they make my Wikipedia page; I hope they use a picture I like…
until the next time
*Please, pink responsibly.