Saturday, December 31, 2016

Yummy Mummy 2017: The Story of How I Became A Mother This Year


So,
As you all may have read from my previous post… I'm going to be a mom.
I'm going to be a mother. I have to say it a few times because to be honest it's not really sinking in. It hasn't even though I've known since October. I've just been floating through the weeks kind of feeling like I'm in this daze. So, before I get into the now, let me tell you how this all got started.

Back in September, around the last week or so, I started talking to an old "friend" who I'd met from community college. He had always been handsome to me but at the time of our initial meeting, I was only 17 years old and I was a virgin. His name is Eric and he was a solider. I'm not sure what he was studying at the school or even what his last name was but I was flirting with his friend Brian at the time and Brian introduced us. Eric was sly, giving me his number when Brian wasn't looking but back then I thought being a sly piece of shit was code for being a hot ass bad boy. Time went on and I stopped attending university and stopped speaking to Brian but Eric and I stayed in touch. We would try and hang out and sometimes sent each other racy pics but it was never anything too serious. One night my sister and her then-boyfriend Daniel invited me to Cowboys Dancehall for a halloween night and the two suggested I bring someone. I invited Eric. We had fun, Eric danced well and showed me how to Texas Two Step. I felt embarrassed and I hadn't had the chance to file down my fake nails so they were long and witchy and I felt self-conscious that I was stabbing Eric's hand the whole night but he was totally polite. He offered to be me a drink because I was now only 18 and he was 24 or something. I declined and later into the night after a few steamy french kisses, he asked to sneak into my room that night. I agreed to let him sneak but after a few hours of being home and a handful of bowls of pot, I wasn't really in my same mood. Eric snuck in and I was totally in my own feelings. I quickly made excuses not to let him stay and I rushed him out almost as soon as he came in. 
Eric was upset, called me a tease and left but the next morning he said everything was fine and he wasn't mad and that if I wasn't ready to have sex or whatever that was okay. So, Eric and I remained civil but evidentially my unwillingness to have sex and his veracious libido clashed and we ended up distancing ourselves entirely. Fast forward 3 years later to 2016 and Eric and I crossed paths again. I had him on the Social Media app called SnapChat and we started chatting a little there but nothing routine. I noticed early on, around the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016, that Eric had a new lady in his life. I was happy for him, didn't really comment on it because he and I were nothing more than acquaintances that passed by every blue moon. Eventually, however, the girl on Eric's SnapChat abruptly disappeared and for a handful of months I didn't see her anymore. I assumed the two had broken up but again, I didn't even know who she was or what Eric was doing in life anymore so I didn't care badly enough to investigate. Now, insert body-conscious me. Months went by and I was posting Snap after Snap of my body, the progress I was getting from exhausting that Gold's Gym membership to no end and the ever-glossy fullness of my lips. I was posting pictures in my bikini after a steamy sauna-session, from the back in a pair of tight-fitting high-waist jeans and in cheeky mini skirts. I was eating the attention with a spoon and every day was like a dream with continuous responses from girls and guys telling me I looked like a goddess. It was all I could do not to obsess over my phone, and it came to the point that I was looking at my phone more than anything else. It was religious and unhealthy and completely childish, but try telling that to my swollen head. After a couple months of these sex-kitten posts Eric, amongst many of my male SnapChat friends popped his little beaver head up into my rearview. It all led up to him Snapping me one night saying "When will you let me in." I had lost my virginity by this point (2015 to be exact) and so rather than feeling an excited ache of worry in my stomach from something like this I felt a hot wave of desire. I knew I was hot shit (Or at least I convinced myself of that) and the validation from "so many guys" *cough cough like 15* was too much for me to handle. Eric's sexy message made me feel so wanted that I decided to go along with his words. We went back and forth for about a day or so and I eventually agreed to come to his place. The night before I arrived Eric disclosed that he and that girl I used to see on his SnapChat were thinking of getting together, but that he had broken up with her because "Even though I love her and she's great we just have absolutely no connection. Mentally or sexually and I don't think we ever did". He went on to explain "I was right about to dump her but we decided to just take a break instead and now she's in Houston with her mom and her baby". Through this message I got that Eric fooled around with some Thotty that he couldn't shake now because clearly the female was needy. He liked sex so he kept her around but now that the sex is mediocre he was ready to dump her. She's clearly a low 4 on the 1-10 scale because she has a kid (which LMAO that's what I get for judging but…) and now he's rid himself of her at least for the time being. Whatever ways I was justifying the situation I mainly decided I was going to sleep with him because I was 1) Horny asf 2) Extremely sexy and wanted to show how good of a lay I was 3) Had already had sexy 6 different times and each time lasted 4 1/2 minutes tops and was utterly disappointing and 4) I just really didn't care about anything but myself and pleasure. I didn't think about this girl he claimed he was working things out with, I didn't think about my parents who raised me to have morals and respect God and myself and wait for a Godly man who will cherish me and marry me. I didn't think about all the people's lives who could possibly be affected by a decision I would soon make like my little brother and sister and my friends. There were so many things I didn't or chose not to think about but mainly, I really really really did not believe I would get pregnant. I had had unprotected sex every time I've ever done it and even though 6 times isn't a lot, it's enough times that I could've been pregnant. I have never had a problem before so I just explained to myself that if something happened I would simply take Plan B like I had done before or, if it ever really came to it I would just get an abortion. So, after a few more chats I show up all sexy-fied at Eric's shabby ass apartment looking to get laid. The setting couldn't have been sexier; there was a flash flood just outside so when you stood on the balcony of his spot there was rain flooding the little ravine of grass down below. There was crashing thunder and a constant soothing pour of heavy rain. It was dark and the winds were calm so it was a warm little breeze, and the awning over his balcony kept us from getting wet. Eric, who's a bartender, mixed us up some strange blue coconut concoction in a tumbler and poured us big glasses full of the elixir. I, did my best to down it but I don't drink so I was taking girlish sips. The liquid tasted bad but I wanted to finish it, sort of like that whole night, so I kept on until everything around me was a warm, slow haze. Eric brought out a bluetooth speaker and I connected my phone and played a playlist I had created specially for steamy nights called Netflix & Chill. The devil in me really ran wild that night and I felt like everything was so perfect even though it was really just wrong and horrible. The music belted softly from the speakers and I looked out over the wrought-iron railing into the tiny opening of Eric's neighbor's dwellings. The people right below us had plants and trinkets everywhere, hundreds of them and I knew they were all special to the renter. I could just tell. The cool breeze the rain created kissed across my face and all I could feel was my marijuana-high reaching it's peak as the buzz of Eric's Elixir flowed through my bloodstream. I watched as the rain mercilessly beat on the trees and rooftops of the complex, feeling total bliss when suddenly Eric's tall, large frame hovered in behind me. He smelled like alcohol and cologne--or maybe it was his aftershave or his hair gel. I wasn't sure I just knew I was intoxicated by it. I smelled like the candy-floral perfume I had doused on myself before I'd gone in and our scents smelled so good together. The smell of rain quickly faded and the coconut residue in Eric's mouth was suddenly the most vivid thing around me. He put his hands on me and lifted me onto the railing I was just leaning on. We kissed and kissed more and suddenly nostalgic memories of the dorky, awkward night when I frenched him at 17 years old outside of Cowboy's Dancehall flooded in. I wrapped my arms around him and the rest of the night was extremely passionate. I don't want to get too into detail, considering my family could see this eventually but let's just say we sinned repeatedly until we fell asleep and woke up around 9a the next morning. I must say as wonderful as an experience as that was it wasn't magical like I'd be hunting for. It wasn't tears-worthy like my friends claim they've experienced. It didn't make me quiver or shake or feel a sense of love for Eric. It just felt better than what I'd had so I built it up to be this grandeur experience and it really wasn't. All in all, I would say, with all bitterness for the current situation aside, it really wasn't great. It was alright but I didn't experience some head-to-toe pleasure that made me crave it, it was just good I guess. If I had to be 100% truthful though, the experience--as steamy-novel-worthy as it was--it was ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT POSITIVELY NOT worth getting pregnant over. If I could rewind time and never ever experience it again I absolutely would, no hesitation. 
So anyway, since there are no time machines or Tardis' available at this present time, let's move on to what happens next. So the next day Eric slept like a hibachi and wouldn't budge so his plan to get me the morning after pill "in the morning" ultimately failed, because I had to get back home (because I'd snuck out) and he was basically dead. He was too much of a loser to come by later that day and evidentially so was I because I didn't have a job during this time so I had no money and thus no way to buy the pill myself. As awful as it sounds, by this point I really didn't feel concerned because I just thought, meh whenever I get the pill I'll take it and I'll be fine! HAAH WHAT A DUMB MISTAKE. Anyway, Eric came by that night pretending he had the pill. We slept together again and then he admitted he was unable to obtain it because the pharmacy was closed. Finally the next day, 2 and half days after our first night of unprotected sex and 1 day after the other night of it, Eric provides me with the pill but convinces me I shouldn't take it before we do it one last time. I really didn't want to do it, I came unshowered wearing sweats and a hoodie because I was really hoping to repel his unhinged desire for sex but it didn't work. I won't sound like a rape victim here, I could've said no, but I just figured it'd be easier to do it one last time and take my pill than to argue and possibly have him withhold it from me or be upset or whatever. So, finally I take this pill and it's like I don't really know what exactly I was expecting from this thing. The package says like 90 times that it basically only works after a day and it also says it's NOT an ABORTION PILL and it WILL NOT KILL A CURRENT PREGNANCY. But foolish, arrogant, pride-filled me continued to proclaim that there was NOOO Posssible way I could be pregnant! I mean we only had unprotected sex like 18 times! How could I be?? Lmao, God I was an ignorant tramp. Anyway, the last night we did it I woke up the next morning, went to a job interview (which was at my current place of employment lol) and afterwards went and bought another Plan B. The pills were obviously passing through my urine because they didn't do SHIT. Probably because unbeknownst to me, I was already preggers! So, Eric ends up telling me that he wants to get back with his ex and that "her baby" is actually THEIR BABY the night before our last night of irresponsibility. Honestly, hearing all that should've stopped me but I wasn't thinking rationally. I wasn't think "Oh what kind of guy tries to get back with his ex and lies about having a baby with her? I should NOT sleep with him!" I was only thinking of my body and my desires. I was thinking "Oh well glad I'm not the loser girlfriend who thinks this guy is some outstanding citizen" and "Don't care about the rest, I'm not trying to shack up with the loser I'm just on a quest for great sex". Yup. Those were the childish shallow thoughts floating in my feather head and they landed me in this very predicament. Anyway, Eric and I stopped talking after our last time because the tiny slither of godliness in me began to shine through--you know, 18 times after I'd already done the wrong thing--and I began to feel sick about the whole idea of him having a newborn daughter who thinks her daddy loves mommy when in reality daddy is banging his old college friend while me and mommy are visiting grandma. I realized that even though he allegedly wasn't with her I was still sort of home-wrecking and I should just sever the relationship now. Let it be another hit&quit. But as the days passed on my assured spirit dwindled and I grew increasingly nervous. I text Eric here and there but he seemed to grow irritated with me, replying with short 2 word sentences and ignoring my messages for hours. I chalked it up to him not wanting his girlfriend to know what he'd been up to while she was away and I was right. After about a week of my period not arriving I started to feel horribly scared. I was panicky but Eric assured me that the pill screws with your cycle and that it was normal for my period to be late. I believed him, rather than just knowing the truth because I didn't want to accept the truth. After a couple more days the symptoms of my period came, big boobs, bloating and I got a small sense of relief. I felt mild cramping in my lower parts which was what always happened the days leading up to my period so I was ecstatic. I wasn't even thinking of the possibility of pregnancy anymore I was just biding my time before my little friend came to visit. By this time I had nearly been working at my new job for a month and I was making money, treating my family to nice things again and feeling great. It was all going my way, my dirty secrets were swept under the rug and I was free to attend church and praise God and pretend I hadn't ever done such horrible things on those nights. Suddenly, like a slap to the face, I woke up for work one morning and I felt kind of sick. I felt a little weak and fatigue sort of like the first day before the flu hits you hard and so I assumed, because the season was around that time I must have contracted it. I noticed that no other signs were apparent though, no sneezing or throat issues or anything, just literally felt exhausted. Then as the day went on I realized I felt nauseous. It was subtle sort of like when you haven't eaten all day and you just feel a heavy pit in your stomach. I tried to eat but certain things made me feel more nauseous so I just drank water and ate crackers. I'm not sure why I didn't once assume these were early pregnancy signs but it had just come on so quickly that I didn't think that's what it was. I had been out with friends the night before so I kinda thought I just got sick from not washing my hands or something. I missed work for two days with these symptoms and on the third day I realized my boss was getting annoyed. He wasn't mad but he had just hired me to help the team and now I was out for 2 days with a sickness I wasn't really sure how to label. So, that morning I came in feeling ass-like still but I soldiered on. I skipped my usual cup of coffee because suddenly the thought of tasting vanilla coffee made me want to throw up. AJ came into the room with Luigi and I and started asking about what I thought might be wrong. I told her some of my symptoms and that's when Luigi piped in and said "Maybe you're pregnant, I mean you're acting pretty moody". AJ laughed it off and was like Oh Lord! but deep down a fear washed over me. I hadn't given the thought any attention because I was afraid of it but now know it'd been nearly two weeks with no period, I had to accept that this could be true. AJ looked at me pointedly with her mouth a small line. Her brows furrowed and she asked in a gasp "You're not pregnant are you?" I covered my face with my hands and laughed nervously but deep down I was crying and feeling so afraid and so disappointed. AJ convinced me to buy a test during lunch break and see what the results were. I was so afraid to buy I test that I hesitated at first, but I eventually caved and during my lunch break I drove to the grocery store and bought a pack of ClearBlue tests. The kind man at the register politely whispered "I hope you get the answer you want. Whatever it is." I hope so too I breathed timidly and I solemnly walked out to my car holding the test tightly in a garbled up plastic bag. When I got back to work I threw my crap at my desk and hurried to the restroom. I locked the door and sat on the toilet with my panties around my knees. I stared blankly at the test instructions reading how if two lines appear you're pregnant. It said no matter what, whether both lines are dark or one is dark and one is faded, if there are visibly two lines you're pregnant. I prayed a stupid evil prayer that God somehow murder the seed that was more than likely already blossoming inside me so that I could go back to being an irresponsible slut just this time, but the prayer shot up and straight down when I peed on the stick and almost immediately the two lines appeared. I wanted to cry and I started to but no tears would manifest. I was squeezing my eyes but it was almost like I heard God say "Why are you crying? You did this. Your parents read the sex books to you when you were like three. You know exactly where babies come from and how they are made. Did you think letting him release his seed into you would somehow Not make a child??" I felt angry and scared but I couldn't feel any sadness. For what? I did this and now for once in my life I'm going to have to be responsible. It's not another speeding ticket my parents can foot the bill for. It's not a school issue my parents can come and defend me over. It's me. It's my stupid decision that I will now have to handle for the rest of my life. All in all the whole thing was better than an STD but it was still really awful at the time. So anyway, immediately I began to panic. The coward in me took full control and I began to devise my plan on the path of abortion. I told myself I'd never get one, I said I just wasn't the kind of girl who could go forward with something like that. Yet here I was, hovering over a toilet at work decided to sweep my consequence under the rug again. I told myself that because it's so early the baby is practically a needle point and it'll be no big deal. I told myself that I'll never tell anyone, Eric will pay for it and life will resume it's normal functions, but deep down I just kept hearing God ask me disappointedly "Really, Erica?'. Of course I brushed it off, shoving that same voice of righteousness that tried to stop me from even having sex in the first place down into a ditch like always. Burying it with the dirt of my evil desires, but something started to happen. I would spend these quiet times alone with me and God and my little unborn angel and I would just cry. It would start with me recording myself on my phone. I would talk to myself about why I needed to have this abortion and why I needed to do this for my future. I would make all these points that would make me feel okay again, but suddenly my real feelings would seep in and break down the wall I tried so hard to build up. I would think abut the baby's tiny seahorse-looking body, swimming around inside me just waiting to grow its head and its fingers and toes. I thought about seeing clots of it in my underwear after taking an abortion pill. I thought about how he or she would become my closest friend and even though they would hate me at some point like all kids do, they would still love me as hard as I love my parents even though I disappointed them so greatly. I thought about how my child would play with my lips and poke my cheeks and tell me stories of what grandma taught them. How grandpa showed them how to paint or bait a fishing pole and how uncle Roger played basketball with them. I thought of how I was deciding to dissolve their life before they even had the chance to prove what a magnificent human being God was forming them to be right now, inside me. I thought about the fact that they'd never have a chance to play games or feel joy, or experience friendship, and how they'd go back to Heaven never living on this wonderful planet God made for them. And instantly, just like right now as I type this, tears poured from my eyes. The tears that were no where to be found when I was upset at my outcome from the pregnancy tests was suddenly here, when I thought about taking the life of my baby. I thought about all the wonderful people I've met over my 21 years of life and how awful it would've been if their parents were too scared, or selfish and stupid to let them live. Even AJ at work had told me that her dad was a loser who didn't want her and her mom had her any way and she grew up to be a wonderful lady (well sorta…we'll get back to that later) but I just had all these signs telling me not to end the pregnancy. These private back-and-forths with myself happened on and off and then one day, about 3 days before my scheduled abortion-pill consumption, my parents were randomly--and by randomly I mean totally orchestrated by God--watching this documentary on this guy Louis Farrakhan. The election was coming up and my parents wanted to vote Trump but they were a little skeptical mainly because of the bullshit hype the media was trying to force everyone to believe about how worthless he was and how Hilldabeast Clinton was somehow righteous. Anyway, Louis is this preacher guy and my parents weren't totally agree with the guy but he was making excellent points about the politicians and I was completely intrigued by this 2-hr documentary. The wise man went on to talk about awful things about our government that they don't want to admit to doing when all of sudden he brings up abortion. If I didn't know God I'd wonder why or how on earth this could be playing at this moment when I'm just shy of getting my own abortion. No other time in history have my parents ever played anything about this man and they haven't ever since, so I knew God was pulling the strings, making this happen at this very moment. I was retightening my moms SisterLocks when Rev. Farrakhan begins discuss how his mother was going to abort him and attempted to twice. He explained that she was afraid and unsure and didn't want him to be born and so she took a hanger and attempt to kill him inside herself. The hormones I had mixed with the millions of thoughts running around my head and suddenly those same tears that always came when I thought of killing my own baby weld up in the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip hard forcing myself to keep from crying so hard my chest heaved because my mom didn't know at this time and I didn't want her to find out. The man went on to say how he begs mothers-to-be that they hang in there and not make a decision that will be so absolutely awful in the long run. He explained how he is an example of a would-be abortion and how he has influenced and helped the lives of so many people, which he never would've done had his mother aborted him. He listed more powerful influences that had nearly been aborted and said that when he speaks to expectant mothers at seminars, he asks them to lay a hand over their baby inside them now and feel peace, and know that God has a plan for their lives and the lives of their unborn children. I felt so impacted by his speech but still somehow I managed to convince myself that 'That was great but, I can't be a mom. I can't tell my parents what I've done. I just can't" and so I went on to ignore Farrakhan's--and God's, to be honest---words and I proceeded with the scheduled abortion. The next day, I spoke with my sister and told her what I'd planned do but I spun it like I had already done it. She told me that it was going to be okay but she explained how she really wished I had talked to her before going through with it. Deep down I just realized all these people, friends, family randoms on TV were all saying Do Not get this abortion but still somehow I just felt like I was NOT going to be able to go through with a pregnancy. I think the real issue was that I really just felt afraid and inconvenienced. I was ashamed that my bad decisions were going to be aired out for everyone to see and I was scared that for the rest of my life I would now have to provide for another person. I wanted to just go back to before I ever slept with Eric but it was too late. I was now facing two extremely hard choices. Do I keep the baby and deal with the disappointment and disgust of friends and family, raise a child with no father and set aside my goals for the sake of my baby? Or do I get an abortion, live with knowing that I could've had a wonderful child but I'll never know now because I killed it, go on living like a stupid whore with no morals and has now added abortion to her list of horrible choices and then have kids one day with a man and accept that I basically said these kids are worthy of receiving life because they were planned but not my first born? So, I contemplated for hours on end and the next day I spilled the truth to my sister. I told her that  everything I'd said about getting an abortion was a lie. I told her I was still thinking about it and how afraid I was to tell our parents. My sister told me first of all to stop lying and second, very bluntly, she said deal with it. Those were literally her words. I was upset but really I knew she was right. She continued on to say "Who cares if you're scared? You weren't scared to sneak out and lay down under homeboy, you weren't scared to not take the pill for 3 days, now you want to be scared? Why?" I started to let this ponder. My sister, Wesley, went on saying "Look, I realize you've done something bad but you don't have to make it worse by taking this kid's life. Things will be fine. How? I don't know, and I don't know how soon either, but in the end God will plan everything out the way it was supposed to go". I wanted to cry at this revelation. I knew all her words were truth. So, that weekend, since my sister had planned to come down and stay with us anyway, I decided would be a great time to tell my parents. I called Planned Parenthood the next day and cancelled my appointment and then I told Eric that I wasn't going to kill his problems for him. He was angry but mostly the childish immaturity brooding deeply inside him began to surface and his fear of being caught started to run rampant. I could tell more than angry he was just scared that now his girlfriend would know what he'd been up to while she and their baby were away. I really couldn't care less about his feelings at this point. My anger for his burning desire to murder my child was infuriating and the insult to injury was doubled when he expressed his total lack of desire to ever meet his son or daughter. "I already have a kid. I don't want to be a father to anyone else" he text me. Well that's too frickin' bad ain't it asshole? I felt so disgusted especially in myself for ever having sex with such a bottom feeder. I felt unclean and evil and thinking of how I let him touch me and kiss me made me sick to my stomach. So, anyway.
Later on I broke the news to my parents. First to my mother who semi-cried and seemed extremely disgusted in me. She whined and begged me to be joking but sadly it was all the truth. My sister piped in over-enthusiastically saying how God gives life and this is happening for a good reason so don't judge her! But I realized this was not a good time for truth serum and that maybe we should just let my mom be hurt and angry for a while. To this day my mom still seems upset by the idea. She was honestly questioning me on why I didn't get the abortion when I first told her and that hurt me really bad. I thought for sure Mother Teresa would be upset but would never suggest I get an abortion but there she was, asking if it was too late to get one. I just brushed off her negativity, but the thought has always lingered in my mind: Am I doing the best thing for myself and everyone else? Should I do it? But as the months roll by, the baby grows and grows and the more the idea of abortion sounds wicked and traumatizing. Not to mention the fact that my sister is right, God really does give life and there's a reason my baby is on it's way. So I ignore my mom every time she sighs or looks at me in disbelief. Yes mom, I did the wrong thing. I had sex and I wasn't married, I wasn't even dating the guy. Yes, he's a loser that wants nothing to do with his child. I'm sorry that I have done such a stupid thing but I can't do anything to change it now. All I can do now is trust that God has a plan to help me and this baby and move forward. I told my Dad a few days after my Mom. My heart was racing and I wanted to wait a little longer but my Mom was basically forcing me into it. She would mouth "TELL HIM" right as he would turn around and he knew something was up. I kind of hated my Mom for doing that to me, but I realized I would have to spill the beans eventually so I quietly started to confess. "Dad…" I breathed. "Listen. I know you taught me to wait until marriage to have sex but I didn't ok. I had sex and… I had sex and I got pregnant." My Dad stared at me blankly, worry slightly in the middle of his eyebrows.
"I know I've done a horrible thing but Wesley says I can move in with her and Daniel if I need a place to stay. I just want you to know I won't be burdening you with this baby. I'm going to provide for it and take care of it and I won't make you pay for a thing." My Dad sighed and shook his head. He held it down for a few beats and for a minute the heavy pull of tears gathered in my throat. I fought the urge to beg for his forgiveness and suddenly my Dad looked up. "Well, I'm a little hurt, actually a lot hurt that everything your mother and I taught you you just completely crapped on but… I'm proud of you for not getting an abortion. You did the right thing." I suddenly felt a glimmer of hope. "You're not going to get kicked out. Your mother and I will be there to help you through this, but you're damn right about providing for your baby. We won't be this child's parents you will be. You will be concerning yourself with this child, so forget parties, and sleepovers and weekends in Austin, you'll be right here everyday with this baby until they're old enough to go to college." I didn't care if my Dad yelled at me or wouldn't let me say anything. His response was so assuring and so comforting that all I could do was hide a smile. I didn't want him to think I was being smug so I just stayed silent but I was so ecstatic that he wasn't trying to disown me. I was surprised he didn't react like my mom. He was calm and I could tell he was hurt and angry but he wasn't mad, he was just lost. My mom was acting disgusted in me even though she knew I wasn't even a virgin. My dad who thought this whole time that I was was acting totally collected and accepting. My Dad showed me that everything would be alright and that's how I've felt ever since. The devil definitely wants to scare me every now and then and coerce me into believing that I'm going to fail, that I won't be able to support this baby and that they will probably hate me since I conceived them out of lust and arrogance rather than out of love and commitment like other parents. But I drown out those thoughts with the Word of God and with the positivity of my friends and family. My mom is coming around and she's been helpful giving me books on pregnancy and telling me I can do all things but I know she still kind of hates me deep down, or at least hates my decisions.
So, now it's been 3 months since everything happened. I am totally at peace with my decision and I even bought an adorable antique crib for the baby. I bought a smaller bed for my room so that I have more room for a rocking chair and a changing table and I'm deciding on new color choices for my room. The baby is the size of an Apple right now and I'm so happy they're doing alright. I've enrolled for school and I'll be a full time student come January 17th. I have a long list of names for both a boy and a girl and I can't really decide on any of them. I haven't had any issues with food or keeping it down. The baby eats whatever I want and doesn't reject it at all. It's not a big fan of sweets though because my beloved KitKats and Twix are so repulsive right now. The baby mainly likes salt and vinegar foods. Anything with garlic and onion or cheese. It doesn't like citrus but it's in love with my mother's garden salads. I feel so blessed to be carrying this baby and I'm so excited to see what they will look like. I don't mind if they look like Eric, he's pretty handsome after all. I hope if it's a girl she gets my lips and Eric's dimple. I hope her hair is raven colored like Eric's but I hope her eyes are huge like mine. If it's a boy I hope he gets my family's athletic build. I hope his hair is either like Eric's or a mixture of both of our hair. I hope he gets Eric's lips because when he smiles his lips fold downward a bit and it's the sweetest thing you'll ever see. I hope he's smarter than both of us. God I pray for that. Neither Eric nor I deserve a Gold Star and I hope this baby is smarter than the two of us combined.
I have 6 months until I give birth and I'm completely nervous, anxious and excited all wrapped in one. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone but I'm not entirely concerned about it. I know this baby will be my biggest accomplishment in life and I'm just excited to do my best at giving it a happy life with God as my guide. Anyway guys, I'm going to go return some shoes and get my nails done. I hope you all enjoyed this 6-hour story of how I fell pregnant at 21 and my journey through it all. I think I finally have something to talk about on youtube. Lol. Until the next time…

Please, Pink Responsibly. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

WELL WELL WELL

Okay

I’m gonna continue to fake type for a few more minutes and make my boss think I’m actually working lmao. I’m so bored dude and I keep trying to remind myself that I’ve only got like 3 hours left but I wanna cry tbh I’m like someone kill me x’C It’s so dead right now and I wish the bosses wife had gone to costa rica with him because she’s just sitting in her office behind me doing practically nothing. I’m like omg GO HOME there’s literally no one here, no one is coming in today like I don’t understand why you need to be here. Just let me answer the phones and draw and eat my apple until 5:30p rolls around and I can lock this place up and go home! The other bummer is I have to wait ‘til 6:30p. Yea in theory I’d be locking this place up at 5:30 but, in reality, I need to pick my mom up from UTSA at 7:15 so I have to kill time somewhere and I guess why not do it here yknow? There’s food and a couch so if Anya would gtfh I can kick my feet up and watch some Netflix on my laptop until 6:30 rolls around and then I’ll head out to get my mom. Every time I get there she’s literally still not out of the building and I end up parking in some awkward spot right in front of the building while everyone walks past my car awkwardly acting as if I’m about to run them over. I’m like bro calm down. LMAO.

*UPDATE* 12/30/2016
So guys, LOT has happened since we last spoke and there's something I never told you…
 I’m having a baby in July. I know. I know WHAT THE ACTUAL F. Me, Sister Christian, always preaching about waiting until marriage and doing what God calls you to do went and got herself knocked up. Yup. I laid my morals down *pun completely intended* and I slept with an old "friend" from my Dual-Credits days back at community college. I KNOW. Cue the ironic laughter. And, yknow, if that weren’t enough frosting for you, get this; homeboy’s a total deadbeat that doesn’t want to have anything to do with me or the baby. Maybe it’s because he knows he can’t afford it, or MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE HAS A 3-MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Yea. He cheated on his section-8 girlfriend and the poor soul decided to defend him even after finding out he denied her and their daughter's existence. Cliché as fuck or what. LOL Yup turns out the “ex-girlfriend” he “broke up with and had nothing in common with anymore” is actually his current girlfriend who was just out of town visiting her mom. Turns out also that “her baby” is actually THEIR BABY. The guy is a total liar and I don’t want my future son or daughter knowing anything about him. If they ask I’ll confess of course but if I can help it I’ll never mention this guy so long as I live. The main garbage thing about all this is that it all could’ve been prevented. He wouldn’t buy me the pill until like 3 days after we’d had a ton of unprotected sex and then when I found out I was pregnant he tried to force me into abortion. 

Anyway, I think I'll make a post right after I finish this explaining the long story that has been the last couple of months since I found out I was expecting but until then let me just say, life has been wild.
It's 2017 in two days and I never thought I'd turn 22 as a mom. I never thought I'd let my foolish irresponsibility get me to a point where I'd be responsible for the life of someone else for the rest of my existence but guys I'm actually so so excited. I am nervous and anxious and I have no idea how the next 18 years of life are going to be but I am so excited to meet my precious angel. I think about this baby so often and I've already bought an adorable antique crib for them. It's been 3 months now and the baby is growing strong inside of me. They love pickles and french fries and they haven't given me a single problem the whole time. I've experienced absolutely no morning sickness, pain, fatigue nothing. Just a happy experience while I grow God's little seed. Anyway guys, I think I'll write that separate post now. I hope you all are having a wonderful end of the year and I hope there are many wonderful things to come in the new year for you! Until next time…

Please, pink responsibly. 

CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE ♡

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