Friday, June 23, 2017

Giiiiiirl Please.

Well, it is now a day passed due for my baby girl to have arrived,
but before I get into that let me rewind about 5 months...


So, the last post I made was discussing the new baby I had coming. So much has happened between then and now I honestly don't know how to sum it all up. I'm going to try for you guy's sake but it's so much information I don't know how I'm going to get started. So basically I think what I'll do is break it down into parts and link that below. You can click on each one to see the story behind that because it's honestly too long to fit into one blog post.


So, that said, below are the current topics that make up my life. They are all the current status of my life and hopefully they will give you all a little insight on where I'm at mentally these days.

Enjoy...

ME/MY LIFE
MY JOB/SCHOOL
RELATIONSHIP STATUS (LOL if I had one)






MY BABY

SO It is now June 23 2017 and I am still patiently awaiting the arrival of my baby girl. From my last posting titled "New Year New Life" I mentioned my baby but I was referring to her as an it or they because at the time of that post I didn't know her sex yet. Well around March I finally got to find that out! So I'm having a baby girl! I cannot tell you how ecstatic I was at that news. First of all, my baby brother really wanted me to have a son, so he wouldn't be surrounded by more females; considering he has 3 sisters, no brother and a new niece from my older sister. I tried to drink whatever concoctions I could that would cause me to have a boy but when I went in, the ultrasound showed a bouncing baby girl. I couldn't lie I was really excited. I wouldn't have minded having a son, especially for my brother's sake, but I was honestly really hoping for a girl. I think God knew that and gave me what I really wanted, like it says in Psalms 37:4

"4Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires."

I was mainly wanting a daughter for shallow purposes like doing cute things to her hair and dressing her up in kawaii ensembles, but I was also dreaming of having a little bestie that grows up to look up to me and model herself after me. In God's likeness of course, but still, like me. LOL. When the nurse moved over my belly she said confidently, "Alright, it's a girl!". I was so shocked but also relieved. "That's what I wanted!" I smiled. The next thing after that was deciding on what to name my princess. This task took me over 4 months. I literally pondered nearly every day trying to land on a name I liked. I think my biggest dilemma was trying to find a name that met all my requirements. I guess I was being extremely picky but picking her name wasn't some fluff task for me. I really wanted her name to be beautiful and I didn't want to screw it up since it was going to be something she'd have to tote around for all of her life which, God willing, could be over 100 years! When I started to think of her name there were a few things I knew I definitely did and did not want. Here's what my list consisted of:
  • The name had to be unique enough that not many people had
  • The name could not sound too tribal or anything to foreign that it'll sound ghetto (because I know it's like who cares it's your child but let's be real here, I'm black, I don't need to be giving my daughter some "Cash Me Ousside" sounding name like Shaquishae or something).
  • The name also couldn't be too bland/common. No Ashley, Hannah, Courtney etc.
  • The name had to sound good with whatever middle name I picked, possibly & preferably both starting with the same letter.
See? Not too many requests but hey! I'm picky OK?! Personally, I love my own name. Erica Elizabeth. It flows and both names have excellent meanings:
Some other variations say Erica means "Complete Ruler" and that's the one I go with typically LOL. Anyway, kudos to my mom for coming clutch with those names. Well, both my parents really. Elizabeth is my Dad's mom's middle name and the name Erica came from my mom's favourite soap opera at the time, All My Children. Apparently there was some ruthless bad bitch on the show named Erica Cane and my mom thought she was #LifeGoals so she named me after her. She too probably picked the name for shallow reasons but it worked wonders for me. I'm a firm believer in names playing a significant role in who you are as a person, which is why God changed people's names in the Bible and what not, because your name is what you're forever called by people. I'm forever called an Honorable Ruler whose Oath is God. Some people might be being called Empty or Cruel or some other negative thing. That's why I felt really nervous about picking my daughter's name. I didn't want to pick something that sounded ugly or meant something ugly and to be honest that kept being my biggest issue. I had already had this long list of names for both boys and girls that I had randomly started (I guess God, in his infinite wisdom, had me getting prepped for my near future, unbeknownst to me). Now you have to understand, there were like 40 names in these categories but when I actually realized I was having a baby and started to think about how I'd be calling her one of those names for all of our lives, one by one I started liking each name less and less. Some were way too silly like Kitty and LuLu and some had the issue of sounding pretty but having garbage meanings or no meaning at all. I was getting really discouraged and I felt like I was never going to pick a name. Now meanwhile mind you, my sister was about a month away from her due date and had already picked her daughter's full name--and had done so months earlier. I was really bummed, like seriously. Our mutual friend Haley was due the day before her and she too had picked her daughter's name. I felt like every girl pregnant knew what they were going to name their baby but me and I was honestly really upset. I really liked the name  Mileena but everyone talked so much shit about the name saying it was either the name of some ugly, annoying girl they had met or they kept comparing it to the character from Mortal Kombat:
Yeah. So that wasn't great. Truthfully, I love Mortal K so I was okay with that, but after a while I felt like just the sound of the name  Mileena was honestly too common. I also didn't know what middle name to give her with the name Mileena. I wanted the second name to be sing-songy with the first name, kind of to make her sound like a singer or an actress like Angelina Jolie. I ended up discarding the name altogether. After that I went through about 37 other names and was always feeling like...that's nice but gosh, I am just NOT SURE I want to call my baby that for ever. Do I really like how that sounds? Will other kids be able to pronounce this? Will they think it's pretty or make fun of her? I know you should pick a name you like since it's your baby but still I wanted it to be something other people thought was beautiful, clever and different than anything they'd ever heard.
So, during this time I came across this girl from Instagram: Edith Aiko. I'm not entirely sure if Aiko is really her middle name (or if Edith's even her first name) but the girl is BEAUTIFUL OK. Now, I realize her name being a certain thing is not what makes her beautiful you know, it's obviously a perfect balance of the Hand of God, EXCELLENT genetics and a heavy amount of high-quality cosmetics. Regardless though, the name Edith meant riches and blessed so I thought, it's perfect! I also figured I'd call her Edie for short, which was my favourite character from my favourite dramedy on TV: Desperate Housewives. I thought, what a tip of the hat to the classics! Doing just like my mum naming my girl after a TV Show goddess and the name also has a great meaning! I thought for sure I'd had everything figured out! Next, I was going to name her middle name Angel Aiko, so she'd be Edith Angel Aiko and she could do or be anything she wanted with a name like that!
Unfortunately, about 2 months in, I had be sharing the name with people, rando's I met at the pool in the gym, classmates from college, coworkers etc. and I was just NOT liking the feedback I was getting. Most people gave an accepting nod as if to say "Would NOT be my choice but it's not hideous" and other's smiled and just said "Awh", but the worst and most common reaction I got from the name was "Oh! An Older name. I like it" I was really unhappy with that response. Older? A big thing I was trying to avoid was giving her an old lady name like Mildred or Doris or Agnes or anything close that area. My sister named her daughter Evelyn which is fine but it was borderline pushing it in my taste. Then Haley, the girl I previously mentioned, named her baby Penelope which again, for me, screamed seamstress during the 40s. I was realllllll against the "classic, older" response I kept receiving so I started to try and think of something else, still keeping Edith on the backburner. After all, it had taken me basically 6 months to come up with this name and nearly a month to come up with Angel Aiko (her middle name) and now I was having to go back to square 1!! Only this time with a lot less time to decide, since my baby was coming in less than 8 and a half weeks. I knew I needed to take my time and think but more importantly I knew I really didn't want to be sitting there in the hospital bed after passing a giant human through my tiny snatch, exhausted with an Epidural catheter dangling from my back, staring this caramel colored angel in the face and being completely oblivious as to what I might name her. If nothing else I wanted to have SOME sort of ballpark idea as to what I'd call her. I was constantly advised to "narrow it down to 2 names or your top 3" but that still left me with middle names to pick. Anyway, a couple weeks had passed and I was pretty sure I was going to stick with Edith. I didn't really want to though, mainly because of the responses I was getting but also because I started to dislike the way it sounded when I said it over and over. Then one day while I was in Kerrville with my mom and little sister visiting my older sister and my new niece, we had all decided to visit the small adjacent town of Fredericksburg. It was this quaint little old town that had shops all down the streets that people had maintained from like the 30s and refurbished into newer, modern eateries and clothing shops. We stopped by this one store that had painfully expensive but extremely adorable baby clothes and, since my bun was on the way and my sister had hers' in her stroller, we had to duck in and see what they had. I fumbled through some cute onesies and then decided to take a photo of this really adorable stripped one and post it on my Snap Chat. I put a caption to go with it that said something like "Hurry and get here Edith" or "Edith is about to be so cute!" and posted it for my friends to see. After we visited a few more stops, we had lunch, purchased some strange chocolate-covered items like a Pickle (which was Disgusting by the way) and some bacon (which we took to go). Later that night we came back and enjoyed our chocolate covered bacon (which was far tastier than the pickle) and some tea (and Pinot for mum, the only one who could partake in it at the time). As I was sitting there talking I noticed I had received a Snap Chat message from this girl who we'll call Ms. G, mainly because I'm not sure if she cares to remain anonymous or not. Anyway Ms. G was basically friend's with my daughter's father, Eric, and his current girlfriend. She contacted me a while earlier asking if I was really having his child and I was skeptical as to who she was and what business of hers it was whether I was or not; honestly paranoid it was Eric's girlfriend in disguise trying to milk me for information or something. 

Turns out, though, Ms. G was just this really nice girl who had some beef with Eric and his girlfriend (which is apparently very common for anyone who unfortunately meets those two) and she wanted to share her empathy with me, saying she was sorry I was going through all that and that she knew Eric was a trashy human being. I won't lie it was nice to hear someone badmouth him, but people don't realize I mainly just feel sorry for Eric and his girlfriend. They're both very lost individuals and that's why she stays with him and he continues to cheat on her because they're both in their own miserable ways trying to fill this void that they don't realize only God can fill in their hearts. Ms. G wanted to vent, so I let her, telling me all the things she's put up with between the two of them since she befriended Eric a year after I did in 2014. I hadn't really spoken to Eric much after we cut ties in 2013 so she lived through this whole experience as his bestfriend that I hadn't known was taking place.

Anyway Ms. G sent me a Snap Chat message in response to the image I'd posted earlier that day in the baby store saying "Tell me you're not naming her Edith". I frowned when I read it and asked her why? "That's Eric's girlfriend's real name. Vanessa is just her middle name" Ms. G had replied almost immediately. I felt so irritated. The final straw to break the camel's back of whether or not I should stick with the name had come. Honestly, I doubt that girl will be in Eric's life forever and I truly hope, for her sake, she grabs a hold of some much-needed self-worth and leaves him. So, knowing all that, it wasn't really that big of a deal that her name was also Edith, but I just really didn't want it to seem like it had anything to do with that. See, Eric's other baby mama Vanessa-err, Edith I guess--was on some other level crazy. When I met her she had visible tracks from her extensions in her hair and was missing two acrylic nails. She seemed so much like me when I saw her Facebook that I had thought I could explain how Eric had lied to us both, gotten me pregnant, tried to coax me into an abortion and denied her and their daughter's existence altogether. I thought she would be so disgusted that she would pack her things, take her baby and leave him. I thought she and I might become close friends, sharing a common bond of being lied to by that freak and also both having his daughters and everything would be pleasant...
BUT HAH!
BOY oh BOY was I WRONG. The woman was completely nuts. She has completely let herself believe she's not worth anything more than a cheater, a car with a missing fender and a shady apartment complex--which is the package deal that comes with Eric. She could be independent and take care of herself and her daughter. It might take a while to land on her feet but she could do it! But nope. It's like she really needs him. I think she's afraid of being alone, or maybe she's been in so many bad relationships she's not sure of how she deserves to be treated. All I know is I pity women like her, I really thought women like that were just in stories but it's true. They really do exist. There really are some women out there that just need a man in their life, even if they get treated like utter garbage, they just need to have a guy around. It's disturbing and I send prayers to both her and him. I've always grown up with Godly parents who told me God loves me and to always value myself. Even though I decided to foolishly be promiscuous and also careless in my promiscuity, I never ever felt worthless or pathetic. I never felt low enough to be with a guy that treated me like I wasn't worth being faithful to. I guess no one ever told Vanessa how much she's worth. Or maybe she just doesn't believe it when people tell her or fully understand it. Either way my heart aches for that girl. Whenever I tell people about her and what's happened they all can't believe I'm not trying to throw acid at her and Eric, but I'm always like, what for? I'm an executive assistant at a Solar company, I live in the suburbs, I drive a fairly new car and what's more; I'm pretty good looking. On top of all that Jesus Christ died for my sins and I actually KNOW it. So, what do I have to be angry about? Vanessa has an awful life where she probably constantly questions herself and her worth because the man in her life cheats on her relentlessly and now apparently also gets other girls pregnant. If she's foolish enough to stay with him she'll constantly live a life of second-guessing, uneasiness, anger, fear and doubt. If that weren't bad enough, she also totally relies on him! Ms. G told me she has no car, no job and a cell phone that Eric bought her and pays the bill on. It's a terrible lifestyle and she's 24 years old. I hope the girl wakes up before she ends up with 3 more children by that guy because it'll certainly be too late by then.

Anyway, long story somewhat shortened, the name Edith was
out.
I was stuck pondering on names when one day I was looking at an article on DailyMail.com about former supermodel Christy Brinkley's daughter who was now also modeling. Her name was Sailor.
Me, being all for names outside the box immediately felt something for this name. When I looked up other people with the name, she was pretty much the only notable person that came up. The meaning was pretty blatant and not great but not negative or stupid. It literally just meant, one who sails. I could live with the meaning and more importantly I loved it's uniqueness. It was weird without sounding ghetto. I started to share the name again with rando's and also friends and family and I kept getting positive feedback. Some people, usually older, like my parents, kind of furrowed their brow at the name, confused, but no one flat out disliked it. Some people referenced Pop-Eye because you know, they're stupid, but most people immediately knew and said "Oh, like Sailor Moon?"  
YES LIKE SAILOR MOON!
That's exactly what I wanted people to think, and more and more they understood. Then I knew I needed a middle name. Since Sailor sounded a lot like a title to me, like Sergeant, I wanted it to flow with the middle name. At first I had liked Luna, which was Spanish for Moon, but then I thought...eh I don't know if I want to name her Exactly Sailor Moon. I wanted people to have the chance to speculate her name and not necessarily immediately think Sailor Moon. I then thought of Blossom, Sapphire, Lexis and Samara. 

I played with these for a few weeks but then all of a sudden, I thought... What about Serenity? God clearly put that one in my head because I'm telling you I prayed and asked Him to reveal something to me and one random day at work I was just like... Serenity! Then, like magic, or even better; the Holy Spirit, my new coworker came in asking what I wanted to name my daughter. I told her I was still deciding on a name to see if she had any unbiased suggestions and I KID YOU NOT SHE GOES "I always loved the name Serenity. That's what I named my little girl" My mouth LITERALLY dropped open. The girl was like you ok?? But I just explained how I had literally JUST landed on Serenity and she kind of laughed and walked away. It was no big deal for her but I nearly peed myself (mainly because yknow, 8 months pregnant here). THEN. AS IF I WERE NOT SOLELY CONVINCED THAT SAILOR SERENITY WAS THE PERFECT NAME FOR MY DAUGHTER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE I decided to share the wonderful discovery with my best friend, who had been helping me pick from the beginning. She loved Sailor because SM was her all time fav anime as a kid (and even now) so she was ON BOARD with the name. I'll never forget though, I sent her a Snap Chat and said "KARA I PICKED HER MIDDLE NAME" Kara replied a few minutes later "WHAT?!!!" She was just as excited for this baby as I was, like she was the other parent or something. "SERENITY" I spelled out and almost a few seconds later she replied ECSTATIC. "I LOVE IT!!!! AND DUDE YOU KNOW THAT'S SAILOR MOON'S MOM'S NAME RIGHT??" She typed in all caps. I had NO IDEA because as much as I love the aesthetic of Sailor Moon, I never really got around to actually watching the show more than twice. "IT IS!?!?!" I asked completely pleased but shocked. SURE ENOUGH she was right!
Queen Serenity was Sailor Moon's mother!
She was just as beautiful as Sailor Moon and on top of that the meaning behind the name Serenity was gorgeous! I couldn't have been happier with this name. It was unique and beautiful and totally perfect for my little girl. I was so relieved to finally have a name that I actually loved that I knew would suit her and that other people liked too. Now it's a day passed Sailor's expected arrival and I am SO beyond ready to see her. I have no clue how she's going to look or act but I know she's a blessing from God. Her life is going to be so blessed and full and I am just so excited to be her mother. The baby shower we had for her was on May 27th and so many of my friends came through for her. I got so many presents I literally didn't know where to store everything. I am so excited, she will be here any day now and I just CANNOT wait. Kara bought her the majority of her clothes and of course she didn't get typical, standard onesies, but instead she got rompers, tunics, crop-top sets and just every adorable little girl get-up you could ever imagine. EXPECT THE LONGEST POST OF YOUR LIFE when my baby gets here because not only will I be posting on my overflowing joy, childbirth experience and current feelings but I will also be posting around 800 photos of my bouncing bun. LOL Stay tuned! I hope you all enjoyed the seemingly endless story of how I picked the name for Sailor ! Scroll further for pictures of her room that's (pretty much but not entirely) done and photos from the baby shower! Can't wait to tell you all she's here!!!!!!!!!!


NEW YEAR NEW LIFE ?

It's already nearing the end of January and a lot has already changed.
Donald Trump is our President. People still believe Khloe Kardashian's butt injections may just be genetics. I'm having a baby and I'm actually saving my money! I know! It's hard to believe those last two are true but yes, here it is January going on February and I'm only 5 months away from squeezing out my little prince or princess. I apologize for the disturbing imagery there but I'm so excited about the whole thing. I've never cared about anything or anyone more than myself. Even though I'd like to pretend I care about my family or friends more that's clearly untrue considering I got knocked up out of wedlock by a complete deadbeat. Regardless this baby is changing all that already. It's only been four months that I've harvested this little seed and I'm already thinking of all the fun things me and my tyke are gonna do. I really want to get my nose job still and no matter what whenever I get the money I'm going under the knife. Even though Khloe's butt is extremely frightening the rest of her lifestyle is magnificent and I want to be able to provide that same thing for my baby. I want to be able to give him or her a Los Angeles penthouse and whatever clothing and shoes they desire. I know a lot of people think that sort of thing spoils your child and gives them no sense of responsibility but I'll make sure they know the flow of my generosity-faucet can shut off any time. Still I want to give them the world and provide them with things I never got. I didn't miss out on much because my parents--or Mom anyway--always made sure I could have the best of the best, but my family went into debt a lot because of that. My mom wanted us to be able to train with the best gymnast/basketball coaches and go to the most fun summer camps, but she could rarely afford it and as a result put the majority of these luxuries on a credit card. Now my parents are sifting through mountains of debt and while there is light at the end of the tunnel, it still seems so dreary to live in such a way as that. That's why I really want to invest in myself and my face. Honestly, I realize how conceited it sounds but I have faith that my face (and body) is and will be a cash cow. On top of that cake I've got my dominating, one of a kind personality which is just frosting! I know that I can be successful in the entertainment industry, whether it be fashion or acting or both, but I want to make millions so I never have to worry about providing the lifestyle I want for this(ese) baby(ies). I never want to HAVE to tell my child no. I don't mind withholding things from them should they become entitled or bratty or selfish but I don't want to have to do it simply out of poverty or unfortunate circumstances. Money may not buy joy but it can buy happiness and I want to give this baby the most lavish and wonderful child/adulthood humanly possible. I want them to know God provided it all because Mommy obeyed his instructions and became very wealthy physically and spiritually and that all they have is because of God. I hope they don't become fleshly thinking everything they get is because of Mommy's good looks or because of talent so I'll do my best to explain that both of those things are the product of what happens when you're obedient to God! I hope they don't become foolish but it really won't be my problem after that. All I'll be able to do is explain the right and wrong to the baby and what they do with it from then on will be their decision. That said my settlement should be here within the next few months and I'm really optimistic about it.

CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE ♡

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